What is Housing Like at Kalaloch Lodge? / Seasonal Work in Olympic National Park

I was on Reddit the other day looking up seasonal National Park work. I was curious about how it works. I have only worked in Olympic National Park, at Kalaloch Lodge. I had come into contact with other employees who had worked all over the country—some in Alaska, Montana, and Yosemite. Many of Kalaloch's management came from the Grand Canyon. I've been emailing the Grand Canyon pretty often, trying to find work there, but I have a feeling that they don't really want me. I believe that persistence pays off, however. We will see.

There were a couple of posts on Reddit asking about what housing is like at Kalaloch. I remember asking someone about it during my first year there, and he said it wasn't bad. At the time I started, I lived in the nearby town of Queets. I actually applied to work at Kalaloch because I wanted a part time job to make some extra money. Well, it didn't turn out that way. I never imagined that Kalaloch Lodge would become such a huge part of my life!

When I asked about housing, the morning supervisor mentioned that Kalaloch Lodge had better housing than Alaska and many of the other places he had been to. He also lived in couple’s housing, which is more private than the dormlike housing that the single employees live in. I talked to some of the others over time, and they had mixed reviews about the housing. When I moved in, I was surprised at how nice it was. I guess I have lived in some pretty nasty places in my life, and I probably expected the worst. But it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I found the place to be kind of cute overall. I lived with three decently clean roommates. One was my morning shift supervisor, and it was sometimes difficult to get the shower, as all four of us got up in the morning and showered every day. That was probably the worst thing about it.

The housing at Kalaloch Lodge is not far from the rest of the lodge. It's across the highway and tucked away in a wooded area. This makes for a super easy commute, which is always a plus. There are a few cabins, each with three floors. On the bottom level are the couple’s and management housing, and on the top of two of the cabins is where the regular employees live.

Inside, there is a downstairs common area, kitchen, and bathroom, while the upstairs is a big room with four beds. Privacy varies depending on how you set it all up. My bed was the leftover one, located right next to the stairs. There was no privacy, and I didn't hang up a curtain (some people do). I had space for a dresser, and that was about it. Those who had been there longer had their areas set up quite nicely, with privacy curtains, tables, shelves, lamps, and other personal touches. Since I was only there for about 4–5 months, I didn't bother spending a lot of money to make it homey. I think if I was staying there longer, I could have made it a bit nicer, and once my other roommates left (they were from Mexico), I would have been able to get a more tucked away part of the room with a lot more privacy and space. 

Taking the Bus to Nearby Towns and Around the Park

At the time, there was no internet in housing, and I did not spend much time there. I only came to sleep. I didn't cook at all during my time at Kalaloch Lodge. Our kitchen was a pretty busy place, and I didn't want to get in the way. I usually ate my free shift meal and ordered reduced-price food. I ate a lot of outside food, but the way I did it saved me money compared to buying groceries. I also didn't have much space to keep food, which was another reason I didn’t bother cooking.

If you want to get away for a while, there is a bus that runs only a few times a day south toward Amanda Park (another bus will take you to Aberdeen, and yes, it's possible to go all the way to Seattle if you wish) and north to Forks. Another bus will take you to Port Angeles. I've taken buses in both directions to Seattle and back multiple times. This trip takes a whole day with stops and transfers. Port Angeles and Forks are pretty good places to spend time. Both have nice libraries, coffee shops, and interesting sights. They also have restaurants, though I’ve only eaten at the ones in Port Angeles. You can also take a bus to Sequim for a few hours if you have the day off. Sequim has bookstores, a Costco, and many shops and is easily walkable. It’s about half an hour from Port Angeles. On my days off, I often went to Port Angeles, where I had plenty of time to explore. There are a couple of nice bookstores there as well.

Many parts of the park require a car to get to. I have listed places that you can get to via bus:

•Amanda Park and South Shore Lake Quinault
•Aberdeen and points east to Olympia, Tacoma, and onward to Seattle
•Lake Crescent, Storm King, and Lake Crescent Lodge
•Forks, La Push, Port Angeles, Sequim, Port Townsend and points east towards Bainbridge Island and Seattle
•If you have a National Park pass, you can go to Hurricane Ridge via bus.

If you want to go to the Enchanted Valley, Sol Duc, the far side of Lake Quinault or many of the trails that are more remote, you will need a car. 

There is also the campsite and nearby beaches that provide lovely walks in nature that can be had anytime. Writing this makes me miss the place quite a bit. 

Many people do have their own cars. I was one of the few who chose not to. I did have a car parked in Queets, but I didn't want to spend money on gas and upkeep, so I kept it there. A few of the long-time employees chose not to drive as well.  And of course, there are always those from other countries and folks who lost their license for various reasons (such as a DUI). 

The Transient Nature of Seasonal Work

Due to the transient nature of seasonal work, you meet a lot of interesting people at Kalaloch Lodge. This is the nature of the job. Strangely, seasonal work is looked down upon by many who see it as "temporary." Some perceive seasonal workers as "running away" from something. I understand that perspective. I left home right at adulthood, and if I could do it again, I would have left earlier. I wish I had known about this type of seasonal work as a young adult. Instead, I went to college, then university, then law school. But if I could do it over again, I think I would have gone straight into seasonal work, taking jobs at various national parks, saving money, and building a career from it.

My own life has been highly transient. While my employers have generally spoken well of me (though I could have done better here) I have never been able to sit still for long. I grow bored easily and move on. I also grow weary of relationships, withdrawing and eventually resenting people. I reach a point where I avoid social interactions and feel disconnected. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism—a way to make it easier for me to leave rather than getting too attached and staying. As psychologist John Bowlby theorized in his work on attachment, "individuals who experience unstable attachments may develop an internal working model that predisposes them to avoid deep emotional connections" (Bowlby, 1988).

I imagine that I will one day work at another national park. Now that I have a family, it’s harder to find a place with family housing that accepts children. That’s why I pushed so hard to work at the Grand Canyon. Kalaloch Lodge does not accept children, even though I asked for this policy to be changed. They said they could not but did not explain why. I think I understand their reasoning, though.

The Negatives About Kalaloch Lodge

My bed in the Kalaloch Lodge employee housing

Bonfires on the beach were common.

The main downside to Kalaloch Lodge is its isolation. It is located far from any town, on a windswept part of the Washington Coast. Dense forest shrouds the hills, making it too thick to explore. Therefore, your world consists of the beach, the lodge, and the places along the highway. While the beaches are beautiful, many people get restless here. Getting out only really is worth it on one's day off. A day trip to Port Angeles is really a day trip. If you want to go to Forks, you'll have either half an hour or closer to three and a half depending on the bus timing. There is a health club with a pool in Forks and many of my coworkers took advantage of that. There is also a library, bowling alley, and a couple parks that are nice to relax in when it's not raining. I also enjoyed going there for iced coffee drinks, which I found myself addicted to. Speaking of which...

Another downside is the prevalence of addiction. While substance abuse exists everywhere, I felt it was more visible here. When people have homes to return to, they can hide their addictions. At Kalaloch, it is out in the open. Alcoholism and drug use are problems. Some engage in youthful experimentation, but others use substances out of boredom or depression. Studies have shown that isolation can increase the likelihood of substance abuse, as loneliness and lack of social support are major risk factors (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Depression is also an issue. One of my fellow employees committed suicide right after her shift. I would have never guessed she was depressed. I can’t say that I wasn’t, though—I probably hid it well myself. One look at my journal would have revealed that. 

I do not say this to be judgemental. I am truly grateful that I do not battle the addictions that many face, and I can't imagine what a hell it is for some people to try to rid themselves of that. And that is not to say that I am not addicted to certain things. I believe that everyone has a propensity to addiction in some form. I know that I do, and that's why I have been extremely careful to avoid certain substances and activities. I know it could ruin me perhaps faster than others. 

The Diversity of People at Kalaloch Lodge

Kalaloch attracts a diverse mix of people. I actually found this aspect interesting and considered it a massive benefit of working there, but it also caused some conflicts as well. The Forks area is one of Washington State’s conservative strongholds, where the Trumpism is widespread. While Forks is socially conservative, Kalaloch Lodge has a much more progressive atmosphere. Many of my fellow employees identified as a gender different from their birth, and all sexual orientations were represented. This created an interesting dynamic. Seasonal work also attracts people who struggle to integrate into mainstream society, leading to high tensions at times. As psychologist Erik Erikson noted, "identity formation is a lifelong process, particularly influenced by one's environment and social experiences" (Erikson, 1968). I personally enjoyed the diversity, having lived in multicultural places around the world. However, many were not mature enough to handle it. Still, I believe this dynamic is common in seasonal work and one of its biggest draws for me.

My view every morning

Now, you might be wondering why I posted this on a "Family Dysfunction" blog. Good question. I wanted to shed light on the dynamics of this place, which, in a way, functions like a big dysfunctional family. Seasonal work and family dysfunction go together like bread and butter. Many people enter seasonal work to escape truly awful family situations. I also thought this resource might help those looking for information about life and work at Kalaloch Lodge.

It's Truly Time to Let Go Of Aspects of the Past

Today I was reading a book on psychology and it talked about holding grudges. I thought about if my feelings towards Kalaloch amounted to a grudge (and they may have). I also reflected deeply on this matter as I went out on a walk with my wife and daughter. I have decided that my life is to take a big turn and that to focus on this aspect of my life is non-essential at this point. I think that I have said enough, perhaps beaten a dead horse even. 

The truth is, I have distanced myself in many ways from that place. It was one reason I have left various social media sites. I have blocked many from my life that I once worked with. I have been outspoken in the fact that I saw it a place I could never fit in to. And now it's time to let go and breathe. It's time to let go and move on.

It's hard to move on. It's a courageous thing to move on. 

When I made this blog, it was to be about family abuse and trauma. I have a million things I could write about with my own family. But now I also want to forget them forever. Truthfully, I no longer want to pretend they exist or to stoke those flames any more. I have held on when I should have let go. They let go of me, and now it's my turn. 

I release Cindy Kathleen Coonse-Phal, my mother. May her memory no longer find any place in my mind.
I release my two sisters. May I forget them and they live a happy life. 
I release my father. He was an innocent but he failed to stop the rising tide. I release him.

I release my cousins, aunts, uncles, and the residue of that family. May they go on and find happiness. They deserve it. 

I release the Lodge. May it thrive until the ground gives way and it falls into the sea. The land will one day reclaim it, and it shall be forgotten except for a plaque on the side of the road and stories that rangers tell about a "lodge that long ago sat in this area that nature took back."

I release the memory of all the people who I thought were my friends but who were just phantoms of my imagination. Life takes many turns. Sometimes what was once seen as good becomes ugly. What a lesson this has been.

I shall now focus on my future. Finding work, and rebuilding my reputation with those who I do love in the here and now. 

If anything, it was the feeling of worthlessness that brought me such sadness. Just because some can not see your worth does not mean that you are worth nothing. 

The Meeting At Kalaloch Lodge

After trying to communicate with one of my managers, I found that I was blocked. I guess she didn’t want to talk. My communication was mostly just sending her some text from these blogs.

However, I think being "blocked" from Kalaloch Lodge goes back further than this. Remember how I mentioned applying to work there about a month ago? They told me there were no openings. But then, I went on Instagram and saw they were actively advertising positions.

I mentioned before that I might have fallen out of favor there a year ago. I don’t know if that’s true, or if it was all in my head—maybe just my fear. Maybe this whole situation was some kind of strange, self-fulfilling prophecy.

But the truth is, I discovered I was blocked by management. Not a good look.

I’d say the dream is dead now. There’s no way I’m going back. No way. Kalaloch is a closed book. That chapter of my life is over, and it’s time to move on.

But before I do, I want to tell the story of how it all went down.

The Meeting at Kalaloch Lodge

"Good morning, everyone," a slim, tall, athletic woman says in a thick Australian accent. "Now that everyone is here, we can start the meeting."

"Elo’s not here," a portly fellow with a beard interjects.

"She’s coming down the hall now, Garth," the Australian woman replies. Her name is Amy.

"Sorry I’m late," a curvy, pale woman says, entering the room. "I came as fast as I could."

"It’s okay," Amy says. Her badge reads General Manager, Delaware North. "It’s good to see you all on such short notice."

"What’s this meeting about?" asks another curvy woman with short purple hair. Her name is Adrianna.

"It’s about Jasper Foxx," Amy says. "He wants to return."

"I don’t think that’s happening," Elo says. "He’s been texting me some strange things."

"Oh?" Adrianna raises an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah..." Elo trails off.

"What kind of things?" Amy asks. She pauses, then adds, "I ask because he also sent me some strange emails—very out of character for him."

"Stuff he wrote on a blog or something," Elo says. "About how we all started to hate him last summer. I was quite surprised, to be honest."

"Did you reply?" Amy asks.

"No," Elo says.

"Good. Don’t," Amy replies. "Now, the reason we’re here is that he did apply, and I can’t say I ever found any fault with him as a worker. He was a good employee. Never late. Always called out when sick. Offered to stay late when needed before even being asked. Fully open to work when needed. Did his job well. Learned quickly. Got along with others. Never caused trouble. Didn’t steal or anything. He was solid."

"Yeah, but there’s obviously something mentally wrong with him," Garth says.

"What do you mean?" Adrianna asks.

"That Laycock story," Garth says. "It was disgusting."

"Oh, that," Adrianna smirks. "I liked it."

"And he posted something on Facebook about a tsunami wiping this place out—like he wanted it to happen," Garth adds.

"I didn’t think you were on Facebook, Garth," Elo says, giving him a sideways glance.

"I have an account for spying," Garth says, grinning.

"I see," Amy says. "And that’s what troubles me. Not just that, but he was friends with almost everyone who got fired. Not just acquaintances—close friends. Last season, it was Sophie, Dominic, and Fry. Before that, Vanessa. He was also close to the woman who got hurt at work."

(Garth’s ears perk up at Dominic’s name—and so does something else. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.)

"Yes, it’s strange how he gravitates toward those people," Elo says.

"You know I can’t risk having someone here with mental issues," Amy says.

"I might’ve disagreed before, but after the messages he sent me, I can’t say I do now," Elo admits. "It just troubles me. He was so sweet at one point. What happened?"

"People change," Garth says. "You can’t really know someone just from working with them a couple of seasons."

"Yeah, I know," Elo murmurs, thinking back on some of her past romantic relationships. "People do change."

"It pains me to say it, but I don’t think we should hire him," Amy says.

"I agree, but what do we say?" Elo asks.

"Don’t engage him," Amy says. "That’s what he wants. Just ignore him. He’ll get the message. I’ll have HR send him a rejection letter today. He’ll get over it. He’ll move on. He’s in Europe—there are plenty of places that will hire him. I heard he has a law degree."

"Yeah, that’s true," Elo says.

"But he was one of the best here," Adrianna points out.

"The risk is too big," Amy says firmly. "I just can’t allow it."

"That’s that, then," Elo says. "I’ll block him. I hate to do it, but I’m tired of getting his strange messages at all hours. And they’re not true. We didn’t start hating him—I already told him that."

"He might just be messing with us," Garth says. "That story he wrote got really sick really fast."

"I thought you of all people would like it," Adrianna says, staring directly at Garth.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Garth stammers. "You know I hated that story."

"Oh, whatever," Adrianna laughs.

"Then it’s settled. No contact with him. No adding him on social media. No replies to his messages. Ignore him. And casually encourage the other staff to do the same—without making it obvious. It’s their choice, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s a danger and a liability to Kalaloch Lodge," Amy says.

"What if he mentions how we rehired Ronnie?" Adrianna asks.

"No, I don’t think he’ll bring that up," Garth says. "And honestly, I still wonder what you were all thinking with that one."

"Well, that’s exactly why we aren’t rehiring Jasper," Amy says. "Anyway, corporate is coming next week to make sure the lodge is ready for the season, and I’ve got a new server interviewing later today. He has a year of experience at an upscale Spokane restaurant, so I think he’ll be a good fit..."

Read the post about the rejection here: https://hellfam.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2025-03-18T21:53:00-07:00&max-results=7

Looking Back at Life And Feeling Depressed Because Things Don't Change

The beautiful thing about having a blog is you can share what you want with the world and create something out of nothing. Perhaps that is what I love about writing. It is truly powerful. It has the means to create deep emotions in others. It can be used for good or not-so-good. And while many say A.I. will replace writing, I don't think so. I think writing will always be best suited to the power that comes with human thought, feelings, and emotions behind it. I could have A.I. write my posts, but it would not convey the same truth about my feelings and the same stories that my writing does. I also see this blog as a type of "shadow journal." Here I am in touch with my "shadow side." This is the part of me that was socially repressed that I wanted to "let out" in many ways.

What is "The Shadow" Side of Us?

Carl Jung's concept of the shadow refers to the unconscious parts of ourselves that we suppress or deny, often because they conflict with societal expectations or personal identity. Jung believed that integrating the shadow is essential for self-awareness and psychological growth. “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious,” Jung wrote (Jung, 1951). Studies support the idea that confronting one’s shadow leads to greater psychological well-being. Research in the Journal of Analytical Psychology suggests that individuals who engage in shadow work experience improved emotional resilience and self-acceptance (Smith & Johnson, 2018). Avoiding the shadow, on the other hand, can result in projection—where we attribute our unwanted traits to others rather than acknowledging them within ourselves (Kernberg, 2004).

Looking Back at My Life and Feeling Depressed

I look back at my own life and feel a deep sense of depression. I realize that to many, I am a failure. I have not done very well in life; that is no secret. But when I really sit back and reflect on it, I realize that we all die. Life ends in death. I look at people who were more "successful" than me, and I see that they too die. And that's the great equalizer. I see people who are wildly "successful," and they are often miserable. Success in life does not bring happiness. On social media, it looks like people are happy and living their best lives, yet I don't see that in the real world. I see brokenness, trauma, and pain. It's easy to manufacture a fake life online, but that doesn't tell the whole story. That's one reason that social media turned me off. It's one reason I left. The world there was a fantasy. It wasn't real. The real world was far different, and looking at life through the lens of social media hid that real world.

Everyone is so successful online. They share their achievements but rarely their pains and trauma. In fact, as I shared much of my own trauma and abuse online, I felt strange. So few did it. Those who did were almost ostracized for it. Then there was the idea that I was sharing it into a vacuum. The audience wasn't right. I sometimes wanted to yell and scream about the things I felt, but what's the point?

Seeing the Broken Lives in Those Around Us and How People Mask It

I look at the broken lives of my contemporaries. The ones I was closest to. They all paint such a different world on social media. It's such a fake existence, though. Research in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology has found that social media often exacerbates feelings of inadequacy and depression, as people compare their real lives to the curated highlight reels of others (Hunt et al., 2018). This phenomenon, known as "social comparison theory," suggests that people evaluate their self-worth based on how they perceive others, which can lead to distorted perceptions of success and failure.

I look at my own life. Online, people may think I am a successful traveler who has been to all these places and has accomplished a lot in the educational world. Yet, I am unemployed. I was rejected from my former job. I failed in the profession of law. My siblings, in-laws, and parents all see me as a failure and an embarrassment (which was all too apparent on my last trip to Spokane). I was a former missionary who left a church that I see as abusive and controlling and in no way based in reality. My life, in short, is a collection of failures, and I have no clue why some in-laws act all butt-hurt that I won’t be friends with them on social media.

Being Seen as a Failure Hurts, but Isn't the End

It sucks to have family members that see you as a failure. Yet, I find solace that I’m not the only one. We all kind of are. None of us reached any success in life. I can’t think of a single family member in my wife’s family or mine that I’m envious of. Many are divorced. Many battled drugs. A couple were institutionalized. We are a sad lot. That’s reality. The fake “look at me” posts on social media only mask reality. Broken relationships, broken homes, divorces and spousal abuse, failed careers, emotional trauma. People who pretend that they have their life together are living in delusion. Every day we march one step closer to death, trying to manufacture envy and pushing each other away.

Research on family dysfunction and psychological distress supports these observations. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that individuals from families with high levels of conflict and dysfunction often experience increased depression, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of failure (Johnson et al., 2017). These individuals may struggle with internalized shame, making it difficult to view success as attainable or to break free from intergenerational patterns of trauma.

There was once a time when I was hopeful for the future. I imagined things in a more idealized way. I never imagined that years later, this would be life. I hoped that things would get better. I imagined things would change. I thought maybe those in our families would actually grow the hell up. I imagined that one day, people would learn to respect each other and get along. Our impoverished families would rather fight for crumbs than work together to make everyone’s life a better place. I held out hope for so long, and on my last trip to Spokane, looking back at it all, I wanted to cry. What a waste. What a colossal waste!

Waking Up To The Reality of "What is Life."

This is life. But I look at my own life and the things that I have salvaged from it. Things that nobody can touch, although they have tried. My marriage is one that I cherish. My child is one that I love beyond words. I have my own little life carved out here. I don’t live and interact with my family any longer. I have the freedom to write and share my thoughts here on my beautiful blog. It doesn’t matter that family resents me. It doesn’t matter that I was cast out of Kalaloch Lodge and made a pariah in that place. It doesn’t matter that some people don’t want to be friends with me based on their insecure perceptions. And it doesn’t matter that my family is embarrassed by me. I never have to speak to them ever again. That’s my freedom. My choice. Nobody else has any say in that.

While some people still stoke their fantasies of life on Facebook, it’s time for me to step into reality. To be a presence in my own world and in my immediate family’s life. There will always be failures and successes. There will always be people who pretend to accept you or those who grow cold. There will always be careers that don’t work. Your time and talents do not guarantee you anything in this world. Much of life is dumb luck. Other times, it’s just being in the right place at the right time. And sometimes, it’s being “just right” for those around you. Avoiding places that are filled with trauma (such as Kalaloch Lodge) and stepping away from abusive family members is vital.

I look back at my life. What a sad lot we all are and were. I look at family members. The abuse, the depression, the absurd beliefs, the drama, the trauma, and I have had my fill. Being called “an agent of Satan” because I believed differently than people who were absolutely deluded. To find out about family sex abuse five years ago a day after a four-month training to be a missionary in their church. I thought one day things would change. No, they never would. I was naive. The only change comes from speaking out. It’s from telling your story.

Psychological research emphasizes the importance of speaking out as a means of healing from trauma. According to a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, survivors of family abuse who openly share their experiences, whether through therapy, writing, or activism, often experience greater psychological resilience and post-traumatic growth (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). Silence, on the other hand, can exacerbate feelings of shame, isolation, and emotional distress. Telling one’s story becomes an act of reclaiming power and breaking the cycle of trauma.

Sources:

• Jung, C. G. (1951). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.

• Smith, J., & Johnson, R. (2018). "The Psychological Benefits of Shadow Work: An Empirical Study." Journal of Analytical Psychology, 63(2), 213-229.

• Kernberg, O. (2004). "Aggressivity, Narcissism, and Self-Destructiveness in the Psychotherapeutic Process." American Journal of Psychotherapy, 58(4), 467-488.

• Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). "Opening Up by Writing It Down: The Power of Expressive Writing in Healing Trauma." Journal of Traumatic Stress, 29(4), 379-385.

• Johnson, S. M., Becker, S. P., & Warner, C. M. (2017). "Family Dysfunction and Psychological Distress: The Role of Intergenerational Trauma." Journal of Family Psychology, 31(5), 635-647.

Telling Our Stories of Family Abuse is An Important Step in Healing

I love how this blog is starting to get comments. I like it when people share their thoughts on these important issues in life. Sharing thoughts create dialog, and it's that dialog that helps with the healing process. It also shows me the importance of keeping this blog going. It truly has been a healing exercise for me. 

I recently got a comment on a post of mine, and it gave me something to think about. I was told I "can't get along with my family or my in-laws, or the places I work." Now, this kind of comment could come from anywhere. It could also come from my family. You see, my family has this strange "all or nothing" type of thinking. And to be honest, my family is not the most introspective lot in the world. But the truth is, it is something worth talking about.

Coming From a Background of Abuse

As my readers now know, I come from a family of abuse. I wrote about the hair dryer in the bathtub incident and how I was, in my mother's words, "unlovable from birth" because my mother didn't like how I was loved by my grandparents. Her trauma goes back to them, and although she followed them around throughout life, they were a source of deep regret for something that happened between them when she was a teenager. Let's just say that I was not her first child. My mother made it a point to "emotionally abuse me" throughout life. It got worse as I got older. So, that is exactly why I don't get along with my family.

Next up are the in-laws. I have given them privacy here, but I will say that there has been much abuse in this family as well. From an ultra-conservative cult religion that demanded absolute perfection in all matters of life to suicide, drug use, spousal abuse, and strong allegations of childhood sexual abuse, it's clear that there is the deepest trauma here. It is not talked about. I can see why I was always seen as an outsider. Two of my wife's siblings have been institutionalized for mental issues. It's truly so sad to see the effects of generational abuse. 😞

Abuse and Trauma in the Workplace

Lastly is Kalaloch Lodge. How does a former job fit in with this? Well, the same type of abuse was rife here. Many of my co-workers went crazy in the job. One co-worker claimed to be sexually assaulted in the walk-in. Another told me stories of sexual escapades she had with a number of coworkers in the food prep areas. And there was outright quasi-insanity, such as the throwing of dishes from a dishwasher who had enough and a chef who had a "nervous breakdown" and disappeared. The amount of drunken binges and drug use that I witnessed here was staggering. Now I can see why children were not allowed in employee housing. The liability would have been huge.

What do all three of these backgrounds have in common? Deep abuse and trauma. Where there is drug use, psychological abuse, physical and mental abuse, sexual abuse, religious abuse, and deep insecurity, there are problems. That's what this blog is all about. Now, I know that if my family ever came to read this, they'd outright hate it. I saw an Instagram post today from a psychiatrist that stated that families hate it when people speak out. I have read many books on family abuse, and one common denominator is that the other family members—generally the abusers themselves, but also their protectors (who are often abused but won't admit it)—hate it when people speak out. For years, I'd write blog entries about things that happened, and my family would reel. The message was, "How dare you put it out in the open!"

It is Vital to Bring Abuse into the Open

The truth is, abuse must be brought out into the open. People need a place to speak out. And that's why I love this blog. It's my one place to speak out—and people are reading it! Now, you may think that 1,600 views is not much, but given that it can take a blog over a year to really take off, this is an excellent start! I have gotten a few comments now and have been told it's "great that I'm speaking out." Yes, it is!

Now, of course, there are going to be some hurt feelings. It is hard for many of us to admit we did wrong. Some of us freely admit it (I like to think that I do). Others refuse to apologize for anything but end up with deep insecurities that eat at them throughout life.

The idea that I can't get along with anyone is silly and shows the "all or nothing" thinking that is rife with many. The truth is, I have had many wonderful relationships in my life. My wife, daughter, and I are super close. I have friends here in my current city. I had wonderful friends at Kalaloch that I still speak to. I have pulled away from many relationships because of distance and life, but it is absurd to insinuate that I can't get along with anyone. Of course, I grew up with a family that had an incredibly hard time keeping friends, so I could see how that kind of thinking would come from that camp.

According to Psychology, Telling Stories of Abuse Fosters Healing

It is vital that we continue to tell our stories. Research consistently shows that sharing stories of abuse and trauma fosters healing. According to Pennebaker and Smyth (2016), "Expressive writing about traumatic experiences has been linked to improved mental and physical health outcomes." Additionally, Herman (1992) states, "Recovery can only take place within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation." By bringing abuse to light, survivors create communities of validation and understanding. Further, as Brown and Gilligan (1993) assert, "Silence and secrecy perpetuate abuse, while open discourse fosters empowerment and change." This is why speaking out matters—not just for me, but for others who may still be suffering in silence.

When the Inlaw's go to Your Spouse to Drive a Wedge Between You

​Recently, I wrote about an in-law who contacted me regarding my "unfriending" her on Facebook. What bothered me most about this incident was that she also approached my wife to complain about me. This is not the first time it has happened, and I don't think it will be the last. I don't know how common it is for in-laws to try to drive a wedge between spouses, but I imagine it is quite prevalent. Issues that should remain between two people often start to involve others, leading to messy situations.​

This is a primary reason why I don't speak to my in-laws much anymore. From the very beginning, it was evident how they thought of me. In fact, I would dare say that the way I was received by my in-laws influenced how I began to perceive how others saw me. For a period in my life, my in-laws were the only outside people I spoke to. I almost considered them a type of "friend." However, it always bothered me when they would talk to my wife about me, as if they were trying to cause us to break up.​

According to Psychology Today, "Some parents may have trouble with their children living a better life than they do." This competitive dynamic can lead to destructive in-law interference. ​

Fortunately, they were never able to persuade her into a divorce. I also cannot imagine ever going to one of my siblings and complaining about their spouse. The spouse would have to do something extremely egregious, such as causing harm or putting my family in danger, for it to warrant that. However, I must also understand that this is a family riddled with deep trauma and influenced by a religion that encourages "policing each other," so I can't say I'm surprised.

There Is No Rule That Says You Have To Be Friends With In-laws on Social Media ​

That said, there's no rule that says I have to be friends with these people or close to them. And there's no obligation for me to be friends with them on social media. Most articles on this topic are written from the perspective of women and their mothers-in-law, but for a male, it's just as problematic. Men often handle issues differently than women. I feel that, in some ways, I have reacted in a more "feminine" way to this issue. But going forward, I will maintain my distance.​

As noted by The Healthy Marriage, "Being proactive in preserving your relationship from in-law manipulation is essential for safeguarding your spouse’s well-being." ​

I have written extensively about my not-so-recent trip back to Spokane. That experience truly opened my eyes when it came to family. It was as if I had been blind before, but upon reflection, I saw that it was entangled in trauma, conflict, and abuse, and I realized I needed to extricate myself from that world. From the abusive religion that has plagued us throughout our lives to the relationships fraught with arguing, drama, conflict, envy, and various woes, it's simply not something I want to be a part of anymore.​

Unfortunately, there are growing pains associated with this decision. Some individuals don't like the changes I have made. They don't appreciate me pulling away. My family had no issue with it; I was never valued by my parents or siblings, and they let me go. I appreciate that. It is also very telling. As for the in-laws, I attribute it to deep-seated insecurity.​

Marriage.com highlights that "Toxic in-laws may show a lack of respect for your marriage by interfering in your relationship, making negative comments, or even trying to drive a wedge between you." ​

One cannot be close to people who don't have their best interests at heart. My in-laws would absolutely love to see me fail in life. This I have always known. They would also relish the opportunity to call me out on behavior that could destroy me. Ultimately, it is their dream that my wife leaves me. For these reasons, I have no desire to be involved with them.​

No, I'm Not Going Back To Social Media Anytime Soon

Recently, I got a text message from an in-law who was upset because I unfriended him/her on Facebook. I told this person that it was not them but that I unfriended everyone. This person did not understand, thinking it was about them. I messaged this person back, but they are lousy at using Facebook Messenger and did not read my reply. So, I removed it. I don't have time to deal with that kind of negativity in my life.

The truth is, I left Facebook for a reason. I have been distant for a reason. There are reasons behind all our actions, and if you don't like how I am, then that's not my problem at all. I don't say that to be mean, but that is the exact kind of thing that caused me to back off from family relationships over the past few months. I am tired of the drama and these relationships adding little to my life.

The truth is, I look back at my life and see so much drama and trauma, and I don't feel the desire to be close. I am off social media because I got incredibly tired of people watching me but not interacting with me. It seemed so voyeuristic. Research suggests that passive social media use, such as "lurking" without direct interaction, is associated with increased feelings of loneliness and decreased well-being (Verduyn et al., 2017). I have no desire to go back. I have also left many other social media pages. I just don't feel that I have the desire or time to engage in that anymore. It just doesn't fill me up in the same way it used to. For a while, I loved social media. But now, with my current mindset,

I don't think that I want to be looked at, viewed, spied on, gawked at, or idolized. I find social media somewhat dehumanizing. It creates in me this commodity. "The constant need to curate and present an idealized version of oneself on social media can lead to identity fatigue and a diminished sense of authenticity" (Reinecke & Trepte, 2014). It's a form of pictorial prostitution. While there is a part of me that enjoys sharing my life, there's another part of me that feels a bit dirty doing it.

I think that the issue for me truly is the voyeuristic aspect of it. I don't like to be watched, gawked at, or have too much attention on me. It's fun in the moment (sometimes). Most of the time, it's uncomfortable. It makes me feel a bit on stage, and in not such a good kind of way. "The sensation of being constantly observed on social media platforms can trigger social anxiety and contribute to heightened self-consciousness" (Huang, 2020). Truthfully, I do not get my in-law's insistence that I keep her/him on as a friend on Facebook, despite the fact that my only other friend is my wife. It would be awkward. Also, it would negate the desire to distance that I am putting between others and myself. I need a break. I need a respite. There are reasons why I have cut out almost everyone I've known personally from sites like Instagram (which I am also tired of).

Social media seems so formal now in many ways. Instagram is the perfect example of this. I feel that it is so curated. To be "successful" there, you must put your best foot forward. As my former managers (Elo, Amy, et al.) and family members know, I don't have a "best foot." My "best foot" is a severed limb that is dripping in blood. It's a limb that people don't want near them. That's fine, as I don't want that "limb" near anyone else either. That limb is my own. I don't need to throw it around like a piece of meat in front of a pack of hungry dogs.

Sorry, in-law, but this can't happen. This is not the time for me to be social. It's not the time to get all cozy. I need a break. If anything, last year taught me that I could not go on as I thought I could. My family knows that all too well. I am starting to come out of my depressive-induced stupor. I am learning that life does not revolve around the past. I want out of it, and I am climbing out now. A new page in life is turning, and I am realizing that every day that passes, the past is further behind me. The days of flipping burgers and serving them at Kalaloch Lodge are now long gone. There is no way—come hell or high (dish) water—that they will ever hire me back. I am a black stain. And I am fine with that. I don't even need to know what happened. What is done is done. And I think that it's a good thing. Every action we take is for a reason.

Sorry, in-law. They say every dog has its day, and you had yours. I have no ill intent or ill will toward you. I think you are a fine enough person, and you have your own collection of friends. If anything, I can see how Facebook does a fine job of bringing a person's insecurities to light. I can see you are insecure about my lack of friendship. I can see you are insecure about me not accepting you. Truth be told, I fully accept you. I think you're a lovely person. You are a beautiful and incredible human being. I honestly love you and hold you in high regard. I wish you nothing but the absolute best in life. You've been so hard on yourself, and you don't deserve that. I wish I could just shake you sometimes and tell you that there are so many of us who love you. You don't need to think that people look down on you, and if they do, so what? That's their problem. I am not one of them. But I really do think that you should not care about who follows you, unfriends you, or all of that. You'll make yourself crazy wondering why.

References

• Huang, C. (2020). Social network site use and academic achievement: A meta-analytic review. Computers & Education, 156, 103936.

• Reinecke, L., & Trepte, S. (2014). Authenticity and well-being on social network sites: A mediational model. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(7), 430-436.

• Verduyn, P., Ybarra, O., Résibois, M., Jonides, J., & Kross, E. (2017). Do social network sites enhance or undermine subjective well-being? A critical review. Social Issues and Policy Review, 11(1), 274-302.

Sometimes You Got to Go On Without Answers

Life is full of mysteries. For example, are there aliens? What goes on at Roswell? Does the Loch Ness Monster exist? Are ghosts real? (And speaking of ghosts, is Kalaloch Lodge haunted, as some of the employees say?) And speaking of Kalaloch Lodge, the question in my mind remains to this day: Why did I fall out of favor at one of the Olympic Coast's premier lodges? I don't think I am ever going to find out.

Kalaloch Lodge, in the words of Vanessa S., is a "magical place." But as she (and later I) found out, magic has a way of vanishing. For the many guests who arrive each summer, Kalaloch Lodge is a peaceful retreat nestled on the (eroding) cliffs overlooking the mighty Pacific Ocean. Unlike the employees of Kalaloch Lodge, the ocean claims no favorites. It treats all the same—devouring and destroying one day while providing a beautiful backdrop for those sunsets the lodge is so famous for.

The Tree of Life Has Fallen! The Tree of Life Has Fallen! 

And then there is the Tree of Life, which fell shortly after I left. I found this rather karmic. For who-knows-how-long, this tree defied all logic, suspended as if on air. It was a testament to the fortitude one must have to survive in this harsh environment. Yet, the weather is not the only harsh thing about this place. I found the cliques and lack of acceptance toward outsiders to be harsher than any winter storm that slammed into this part of the world. Ironically, the Tree of Life fell shortly after I left my employment in my final year.

I have asked many times, but nobody has ever been able to formulate an answer to my questions. And I think I must admit that I will never know why I so quickly and rapidly fell out of favor at the lodge during my third season. Was it because I lived there and they saw too much of me? I have always strongly believed in the biblical proverb: "Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you." I believed it everywhere I lived. I believed it with family. I believed it with friends. I believed it in Queets. And I believed it at Kalaloch. And truly, it happened—and rather quickly, too.

Perhaps it was the fact that I worked too much. Maybe I tried too hard. Granted, I was there to earn as much money as possible. My family comes before anything else, and I was there to support my family. Strange how that backfires. Yet, I also know that employees tend to resent those who "grandstand" them. Maybe I did this. But no answer has been given. Like Roswell, it's a mystery that only some know of. Those people are tight-lipped.

I made my family a banana carrot walnut bread today

Distancing One's Self From Insanity 

We are in challenging times. Kalaloch continues to lose cabins to the sea. One day, the ocean will decide it has had enough of this place and swallow it whole. The area is overdue for a massive earthquake and tsunami. The words of "Ænema" by Tool come to mind:

Learn to swim, learn to swim
Learn to swim, learn to swim
Learn to swim, learn to swim
Learn to swim, learn to swim
'Cause I'm praying for rain
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down
Mom, please flush it all away
I wanna see it go right in and down
I wanna watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away

But it could be something else, you know? Maybe I just appeared too crazy. Maybe I passed that threshold of sanity that Kalaloch would accept. Maybe I just went a little too far. Maybe they grew a bit afraid of me. Maybe I said something that didn't sit right. I found that when I added many of my coworkers back on Facebook, none of the management accepted my requests. Maybe they were told in some meeting to distance themselves from me. I think this is likely the case. Research on workplace ostracism suggests that social exclusion often occurs due to unspoken norms and internal group dynamics, with management sometimes enforcing distancing behaviors against those perceived as "different" (Ferris et al., 2008). I think I am now numbered among the outcasts.

Dominic
Sophie
Vanessa
The-guy-who-threw-dishes
Chef Phil
Moi

How did this happen? Introspection is needed. Gross and total introspection must take place. Everything comes back to the person asking the questions. No matter what happened, there was a line, and I crossed it. I will never know why people started to distance themselves from me. I can only surmise various reasons. I can glean why I am not hirable at the lodge. I can glean why management wants to take me to the back room, hang me up, and beat me with a cat-o'-nine-tails if I ever show up on the property. Some would like that. I would not.

Dominic, Sophie, Vanessa, The-guy-who-threw-dishes, Chef Phil (who they had their phil of), and moi.

What company I am in. What a wild ride it has been.

Three years (and a few extra months of turmoil).

The end of an age. A truly beautiful cage. 

Sometimes you have to go on without answers...

Taking Advantage Of Those Who Are Vulnerable

For me, this blog is a hobby first and foremost. It's a way for me to heal. If someone else comes here and finds healing through my words, that's great. I love the fact that I can openly share aspects of my life with the world but also just get them out. For me, this is a type of "Shadow Journal" that allows me to express my deepest thoughts without looking over my shoulder.

A Friend In Trouble

Today, I want to talk about an event that happened at Kalaloch Lodge last summer. I worked at this lodge in Olympic National Park over the last three years, but it was the last year that really altered my perception of people and myself. I had a good friend there who broke up with her fiancé, and it was incredibly sad to me. She called me from across the country and was terrified of traveling alone. I can't say I blame her. It was her first time across the United States, and she had expected to be with her fiancé when she returned.

She was flying back to Seattle and had nobody to meet her. I didn't know what else to do. I mean, if you have a friend who needs help, don't you go and help them? And I knew nobody else was going to stand up and do it. At the last minute before the bus to Forks passed by, I grabbed my things and ran to meet it. It took an entire day to get to Seattle through the Olympic Peninsula, passing through Port Angeles and Sequim and then taking the ferry from Winslow to Seattle. I then took the light rail to the airport to meet her.

Taking Advantage of Vulnerable People

Now, here's where things get interesting to me. I had told my supervisors right when I left that I was going to meet her. I didn't really ask for the time off—I just went. They were happy I did, but I wondered deeply at that time if they had thought of something more sinister.

You see, I had mentioned in previous posts that I felt Kalaloch was a very sexually charged place. I am a sexual being myself, but I am married, and I get everything I could ever want from my wife. I know that sounds naïve perhaps, but it is true. When I went to get my friend, I could not help but wonder if people at Kalaloch thought I was going to take advantage of her in her weakened state.

I would probably not even write about this if it weren’t an interesting experience from my summer—and this blog is about the psychology of family. The thing with "family" is simple—if I think of you as a close friend or family member, there's no way I could be attracted to you in such a way. Add to that the age difference we had. Yet, I don't think that would have fazed many of my coworkers. I know there were many who would jump on the chance to have sex with a young woman who was in such a vulnerable state.

We All Fight Addictions In Life

Now, I don’t write this to toot my own horn. We all have addictions in our lives. I believe everyone has some external and internal battle they face. Research shows that individuals often develop addictive behaviors as coping mechanisms for stress, trauma, or emotional distress (Sinha, 2008). I mentioned before that alcoholism was huge at Kalaloch. I had no interest. It didn’t make me any better—just different. The same with drug use. Drugs were huge at Kalaloch. I had no interest in that either. I fear the effects of drugs and alcohol on my body. I also have no taste for either. I think that I would be an absolutely perfect candidate for serious drug and alcohol addiction. I have battled depression most of my life. I love escapism. Yet, the problem is that I am too frugal to even think of beginning something that would end up costing me a lot, and that keeps me away. But I completely admit that I would definitely become addicted to drugs or alcohol in serious ways if I ever started.

I also feel that I could quickly become a sex addict if I let myself. I won’t go that route. Why step into a place that will destroy me? I have enough. I would say that writing is my main addiction right now. You may say it’s healthy. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it’s not. In some ways, it’s cathartic. In others, it may keep me depressed. Who knows? Journaling, particularly expressive writing, has been found to have both therapeutic and distressing effects, depending on the writer’s psychological state and the way the emotions are processed (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).

The $17 an Hour (plus tips) Question:

What I wonder is simple: Did Kalaloch’s illustrious management think that I took advantage of a young woman? Did they imagine that in my haste, I was thinking nefarious thoughts? I shudder at the idea, but I can’t say I would have thought any differently. I have read many books lately about men who take advantage of women at every turn. It’s a world that I was shielded from. And I shudder when I see it. I truly was naïve in many ways. I don’t know how I missed this. I mean, I’ve lived in some pretty crazy places and have surrounded myself with people who were often quite dangerous. How I escaped this side of life is beyond me.

I don’t know why Kalaloch grew distant with me. I wonder if this was a part of it. It’s easy to come up with reasons when people won’t actually answer your questions. All I know is that there was some event that took place that caused the management to distance themselves from me. I’d say it was somewhere in the middle of my third season. I just noticed something change. It is troublesome to think about how, as if for no reason at all, people can go from warm to cold. There is a lesson in this: Do not get too attached to others. Work is not a home. Work, like family, can become toxic quickly. Places that are loaded with trauma, pain, suffering, and all kinds of ills are impossible to integrate for the long term. It was truly amazing that I lasted for three years.

References:

• Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening up by writing it down: How expressive writing improves health and eases emotional pain. Guilford Publications.

• Sinha, R. (2008). Chronic stress, drug use, and vulnerability to addiction. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1141(1), 105-130.

Those Who Can Never Accept Themselves Will Never Accept You

People Are Afraid of Confrontation

Long ago, I learned just how afraid people are of confrontation. They do not mind it if it's on their terms, but many start to fear it when it comes to saying something. This is even the case when it comes to asking for what one wants in life. It's better for people to be silent rather than speak up. Former good friends will break up and end the friendship rather than work things out in a confrontational way. I would know, as I have been there myself. But I realize that this is not the way. It is healthy to embrace some confrontation in life. We all have needs, and those needs deserve to be met, even if it is uncomfortable.

I recently emailed my last job to ask for guidance on what went wrong. I want to be better. I want to improve. But I did not get a reply, nor do I think I will (and if I do, I will come back and change this post a bit). Instead, I have a feeling that whatever it was that I did that was so awful at Kalaloch is something that can't be pointed out. That, or I think that the management there just does not like my beliefs (or something else about me). I don't know what it is, and they won't tell me.

I was reading a book called Girl, Interrupted, and the young woman wanted to know how long she had been sedated for her dental work. Neither the dentist nor the head nurse would tell her. Instead, they let her writhe in agony, wondering about the answer to this simple question. It was almost as if they got off on not telling her, even though it was her life. I also read similar instances of this in other books about life in mental institutions. I think that's a bit of what is going on with Kalaloch management in not speaking to me.

National Park Jobs Attract People on the Fringes

I understand that Kalaloch gets some crazies. I understand that they are on edge. National Park jobs tend to attract the kind of people who run away from home, who are nomadic, who do not put down roots, or who have problems in other areas of life. I never realized that until I started my work there. However, I imagine that Amy (and Eloria to a lesser extent) have their hands full. I saw quite a few of those people during my short time there, and let me just say, I would not want to deal with that. I can't imagine how Amy dealt with trying to get rid of one certain employee last year who could have become rather dangerous. Luckily, most of these people are just letting off some steam and talk big. In the end, most leave and go on with their lives. However, that is not to say that one may one day go crazy and do something nobody wants to see happen.

I have always been drawn to the mental institution and to literature about psychology and people who were "crazy." As a child, it was asserted by "friends" that I was schizo or something like that. I know that was a popular thing to say among kids, but it stuck with me. I think I took it somewhat seriously and was drawn to those kinds of people. I think that's one thing I really loved about Kalaloch—you never knew what kind of crazy would walk in the door.

The Importance of Being Open to Confrontation

It seems that I got a bit carried away with this post. I was posting about confrontation, and I ended up reminiscing about my time at Kalaloch Lodge. Getting back to my point, those who are not afraid of confrontation are the type who often seek to improve. For years, I was afraid to reach out to people or ask questions. I had always hoped that the stars would align and I'd find some great opportunity by chance or just on my résumé. I also avoided family and left family groups or grew distant because I did not stand up for myself. It was easier for me to just leave. Granted, many people in my family and my wife's family are absolute hell to deal with, and they have serious temper issues that absolutely suck to deal with. That is one reason it's easier to leave those relationships.

When asking such questions or entering confrontation, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. I wanted to know what I did wrong, but in the end, it doesn't really matter too much. The truth is, even if I could go back to Kalaloch, I would not want to now. My reputation there has to be tarnished to the extreme. I don't need to be at a place like that. Second, the whole area was depressing to me. I loved the money, and a few of the people were gems, but overall, the Forks area is so insulated and dark and dreary and laden with bad memories. It would eat at me until I was a ball of nothing.

People Who Don't Accept Themselves Will Never Accept Others

These types of questions are best asked in the moment. We must brace ourselves for uncomfortable answers. We must be courageous enough to accept what is said and cunning enough to answer quickly if the person is out of bounds. And we must equip ourselves with the mental tools to interact in a healthy and positive way with negative situations that take place around us. There will be other jobs. There will be other places with people who may actually be wholly accepting for the long term. I do not expect people at transitory jobs like this to be accepting. Most are too broken. Most come from backgrounds of abuse, neglect, and turmoil. Many of these people can't accept themselves, and it shows. The level of drug use and alcoholism that existed at Kalaloch was mind-blowing to me. The addiction is huge. It's amazing that many people can function at work. I know of some who barely could. It was crazy to see. Maybe this is another thing that set me apart and made people slow to accept me. I didn't play along. Maybe they thought I thought I was better than them (I didn't). I dearly only wanted to be accepted by them, but it could have never been.

You can't be accepted by those who do not accept themselves. This goes for family, workplaces, institutions, and anywhere else. My mother could never accept herself (and I won't say why here), and there were other family members and in-laws who also could never accept themselves. The people at Kalaloch were the same exact way.

Why I Have Become Distant With Friends And Left Social Media

Many may wonder why I have become distant as of late. For example, I have left social media almost completely. I am no longer on Facebook, and I have not spoken to many of the people I once talked to. In fact, I would say that 99% of my communication is with my immediate family (my wife and daughter).

I saw this quote that said, "When a woman feels depressed, she calls upon her friends and goes out. When a man feels depressed, he isolates." There is truth to this. I isolate when depressed. Some may be annoyed by that, but it only causes me to isolate more.

I have my reasons for isolating, and perhaps it would be good to share them here. They go back to my last trip to Spokane. That was a truly depressing time for me, and one of the issues was not feeling that I could freely talk to many of the people I used to speak to. I was chastised by one in-law for my relationship with my father-in-law, and I wanted to say something but could not. I did not want to fight with this person again, but the other side of the coin was isolating. It damaged our relationship—there is no doubt about that. When a person can't be open and honest with someone, or even feels that they can't, I have little desire to be friends with them. I have left many friendships for this reason.

Recently, another sister-in-law contacted me about my leaving Facebook. She thought I had unfriended her. The truth is, everyone was included except for my wife. I feel zero desire to be on a website where people just watch you without interacting with you. For years, I would post about my life and feel ignored by the majority of people on there. I know that is the nature of social media, but perhaps that is why it is depressing for most. You imagine that many care for you or about you, but they don't. Of course, they are not always to blame. Facebook and other social media sites "curate" posts, and much is never seen.

I am reminded of a woman I spoke to who had hurt herself and almost died. She posted about it and claimed that nobody replied. Another one of her friends had posted a picture of a half-eaten hamburger, and many of her mutual friends engaged with that post. She left because she felt her life was less important to her friends than a half-eaten burger. I don't blame her. I understand that feeling. Later on, she mustered the courage to confront her friends about this, and they said they had never seen her post nor did they know she was hurt or sick. Facebook had never shown them the post.

I look back at family and the years we have grown, fought, and interacted. On my last trip back to Spokane, I felt the most intense depression over all of it. Part of it was the death of my father-in-law, but there was more than that. There was a "death" that permeated everything. And it didn't just happen then. No, it happened many years ago and was ongoing. Life has been rough for our families—divorce, other deaths, religious fights, adversity, poverty, sickness. My father-in-law's death was just the next nail in the coffin. One gets so tired in life that they stop trying, and I felt that this was the case in a sense. I wonder—what can one do to bounce back from that? It begins with the individual and a desire to. How many years are spent wallowing in depression before you realize that you are spending what are your youngest years letting the world pass you by?

It is hard not to be distant when going back is depressing and opens up thoughts and feelings. I remember leaving Spokane and feeling such a breath of fresh air. I generally do. It's rare that I wish I could stay. I am always reminded why we decided to leave. There are too many dark memories there. Most of the adversity of my life has centered around that place. It has been the only place where I have truly let myself be present with family, and every time, I was burned for it. It was where comments that I should have shut down immediately were said. It is where all the drama in my life, even today, is centered.

So yes, I am distant, and that distance is my choice and nobody else's.