Insecurity is truly the most ugly thing in the world. It is also truly contagious. Caring too much what others think about us is trouble. Caring that others think like us is trouble. And wanting to be liked by everyone is trouble, too. I learned this the hard way. At Kalaloch Lodge I wanted to be accepted, liked, loved even. At first, I didn't care. Not one bit. I just wanted to do my job and make money. That was good. Then I felt popular, and that is a curse. I don't ever want that feeling again. I just want to be. I don't want to ever feel like I need to be liked or to fit in. The problem with Kalaloch Lodge was that I could have never fit in there because it's so different from who I am. But I tried, and I changed aspects of myself as I drank the Kool-Aid.
Read more about my thoughts on Kalaloch as they evolved:
Sometimes You Got To Go On Without Answers
"Kalaloch Lodge, in the words of Vanessa S., is a "magical place." But as she (and later I) found out, magic has a way of vanishing."
From Swaggar To Scandal: Dom's Infamous Summer
"Perhaps more striking was the reaction we both had when we were told we were not welcome back. Dom sent the General Manager many hateful emails and I created this blog. Let's just say that both of us don't react well to rejection."
Now that Kalaloch Lodge is behind me, I turn once again to the issue at hand: Family. My family and my wife's family are often very insecure about me and what I think of them. My family is now a memory, so this won't apply to them. I no longer speak to them and have no plans to. Their insecurity is probably warranted, as I am now out of the picture for how they did act. But my feelings and thoughts should no longer matter to them. I am dust.
My in-laws often care way too damn much about what I think. It annoys me and drives me far away. I tell them this: Let's just coexist, and when I need to take a break or get silent or leave Facebook, don't go to my wife about it. Just let me be. Also: I am not of your religion any longer. Stop being self-conscious about it. You are lucky that I was deluded for long enough to give in to that line of thinking. I want nothing at all to do with that. That's your world, not mine.
The last visit to Spokane was such a shit show. I'm sorry if that bothers you. I'm sorry if not getting along with your late father bothers you. I am sorry that your insecurity about my thoughts and feelings in life bothers you. If you don't like it, don't associate with me. I begrudgingly go there once every 1–2 years, and you don't have to interact with me. I'm nice enough, and I play nice when I'm there. I deal with a lot of crap when I'm there, too. For years I dealt with a lot and got tired of it. To expect me not to become jaded over time is absurd. That's the cost of religious trauma and abuse.
I don't mind being friends with people who are respectful. That's all I ask. Let me be. Stop caring about what I think about you. I really don't care. In the end, I only care about my immediate family and my own life. I like being friends with people, but once their insecurity shows, I tend to bolt. I think insecurity is ugly. I think it's rife in both my wife's and my own family. I hate that aspect of it. Just live. How many years do we have on this planet? Who gives a damn about the little things that don't matter? We all have enough in common to be friends and be civil. I don't need to like or agree with everything you do. I won't ever agree with even half of what my in-laws believe in. I wasn't raised in that world, and I tried to fit in, and it was not me. Be happy I tried. Most people don't even do that. I have a right to express myself. Don't get all butt hurt because I do.
If you have a problem with me, come to me about it. Don't text my wife about it. Don't try to make her mad at me. I don't do that myself. I think it reeks of deep insecurity. No offense, but I do. I like most people. I am willing to let things go. I forgive easily. Way too easily. More easily than is good for me, probably. If you have a problem with me, just say it. I think it's disgusting when people try to destroy others’ reputations behind their backs without going to them first. Sometimes you have to do it, but not before you go to that person and try to tell your side. Many people consider themselves Christians, yet are so fearful that they don't even go to "their brother" before they go off and spew their vitriol.
I left Facebook a while ago because I got sick of all the insecurity. I also didn't like it in me. I decided to let go and realize that I am going to just be myself, and if people don't like it, no problem. I don't care. There are legions of people in the world I can be friends with, and if not, hell, I like my own company. I can draw, listen to music, make love to myself, cook and eat good food, write posts like this, go for nature walks, and read books like "Confessions of a Sociopath." If you don't like yourself, then you're in big trouble! And you start to make trouble with other people. And that pushes people far far away.
But, what's hella good for me is the fact that I have a wife and a daughter that I adore as well. I'll let others in, but once you start attacking me to others, I'm going to pull the hell away and let you fester in your own pile of misguided hate. I am going to come back slowly and if you want to add me, great. If you can't forgive me for taking a break, well, that's great too! I am honestly so much better off without such people in my life.
Now, I have moved on from Kalaloch, and it feels good! It was truly what I needed in life. I was wrong about that place, and I posted that on my previous post: https://hellfam.blogspot.com/2025/04/maybe-i-was-wrong-about-kalaloch-lodge.html
I just wish I could say sorry to Elo. She deserves an apology. Same with Amy. Sorry, ladies! You were both great managers, and I was a little b*tch! I admit it freely!
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