Telling Our Stories of Family Abuse is An Important Step in Healing

I love how this blog is starting to get comments. I like it when people share their thoughts on these important issues in life. Sharing thoughts create dialog, and it's that dialog that helps with the healing process. It also shows me the importance of keeping this blog going. It truly has been a healing exercise for me. 

I recently got a comment on a post of mine, and it gave me something to think about. I was told I "can't get along with my family or my in-laws, or the places I work." Now, this kind of comment could come from anywhere. It could also come from my family. You see, my family has this strange "all or nothing" type of thinking. And to be honest, my family is not the most introspective lot in the world. But the truth is, it is something worth talking about.

Coming From a Background of Abuse

As my readers now know, I come from a family of abuse. I wrote about the hair dryer in the bathtub incident and how I was, in my mother's words, "unlovable from birth" because my mother didn't like how I was loved by my grandparents. Her trauma goes back to them, and although she followed them around throughout life, they were a source of deep regret for something that happened between them when she was a teenager. Let's just say that I was not her first child. My mother made it a point to "emotionally abuse me" throughout life. It got worse as I got older. So, that is exactly why I don't get along with my family.

Next up are the in-laws. I have given them privacy here, but I will say that there has been much abuse in this family as well. From an ultra-conservative cult religion that demanded absolute perfection in all matters of life to suicide, drug use, spousal abuse, and strong allegations of childhood sexual abuse, it's clear that there is the deepest trauma here. It is not talked about. I can see why I was always seen as an outsider. Two of my wife's siblings have been institutionalized for mental issues. It's truly so sad to see the effects of generational abuse. 😞

Abuse and Trauma in the Workplace

Lastly is Kalaloch Lodge. How does a former job fit in with this? Well, the same type of abuse was rife here. Many of my co-workers went crazy in the job. One co-worker claimed to be sexually assaulted in the walk-in. Another told me stories of sexual escapades she had with a number of coworkers in the food prep areas. And there was outright quasi-insanity, such as the throwing of dishes from a dishwasher who had enough and a chef who had a "nervous breakdown" and disappeared. The amount of drunken binges and drug use that I witnessed here was staggering. Now I can see why children were not allowed in employee housing. The liability would have been huge.

What do all three of these backgrounds have in common? Deep abuse and trauma. Where there is drug use, psychological abuse, physical and mental abuse, sexual abuse, religious abuse, and deep insecurity, there are problems. That's what this blog is all about. Now, I know that if my family ever came to read this, they'd outright hate it. I saw an Instagram post today from a psychiatrist that stated that families hate it when people speak out. I have read many books on family abuse, and one common denominator is that the other family members—generally the abusers themselves, but also their protectors (who are often abused but won't admit it)—hate it when people speak out. For years, I'd write blog entries about things that happened, and my family would reel. The message was, "How dare you put it out in the open!"

It is Vital to Bring Abuse into the Open

The truth is, abuse must be brought out into the open. People need a place to speak out. And that's why I love this blog. It's my one place to speak out—and people are reading it! Now, you may think that 1,600 views is not much, but given that it can take a blog over a year to really take off, this is an excellent start! I have gotten a few comments now and have been told it's "great that I'm speaking out." Yes, it is!

Now, of course, there are going to be some hurt feelings. It is hard for many of us to admit we did wrong. Some of us freely admit it (I like to think that I do). Others refuse to apologize for anything but end up with deep insecurities that eat at them throughout life.

The idea that I can't get along with anyone is silly and shows the "all or nothing" thinking that is rife with many. The truth is, I have had many wonderful relationships in my life. My wife, daughter, and I are super close. I have friends here in my current city. I had wonderful friends at Kalaloch that I still speak to. I have pulled away from many relationships because of distance and life, but it is absurd to insinuate that I can't get along with anyone. Of course, I grew up with a family that had an incredibly hard time keeping friends, so I could see how that kind of thinking would come from that camp.

According to Psychology, Telling Stories of Abuse Fosters Healing

It is vital that we continue to tell our stories. Research consistently shows that sharing stories of abuse and trauma fosters healing. According to Pennebaker and Smyth (2016), "Expressive writing about traumatic experiences has been linked to improved mental and physical health outcomes." Additionally, Herman (1992) states, "Recovery can only take place within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation." By bringing abuse to light, survivors create communities of validation and understanding. Further, as Brown and Gilligan (1993) assert, "Silence and secrecy perpetuate abuse, while open discourse fosters empowerment and change." This is why speaking out matters—not just for me, but for others who may still be suffering in silence.