He had a swagger. I've never seen a man walk like that. He walked around like he owned the place. Honestly, had I not known any better, I'd say this man was the manager of Delaware North or the deed holder to the property of Kalaloch Lodge. Those who worked with me last summer will know who I am talking about. He is a true legend in every sense of the word. His black beard was his calling card. The way he drove his porter cart made people wince. The way he interacted with the women was unlike anything that I had ever seen. Confidence, or a sense of not giving one damn about what others thought, permeated every fiber of this man's being.
At the bonfires, he stood proud. Rules were to be broken. The world (of Kalaloch Lodge) was his oyster. When Garth played Whalecock, he popped open a beer, grinning ear to ear. What a sight he was to behold. And although he fumbled with many of the women, there was no doubt in my overworking mind that they were drawn to him on some level. If he could have just cooled his jets, he would have perhaps been able to find one that he could have taken home at the end of the season.
Yet, that would not happen. And I think that many of us who stood around the fire on those nights knew. He asked me at the beginning of the season what my goals were. I said, "I am only here to make money." Perhaps time would tell that this was not fully true. I loved the social aspect of this place at first. For the first time, I felt that I was part of a little club—a family even (hence why this is on this blog)—where I belonged. As long-time readers know, the parental figures (managers) have the final say over who is a member of this family. During my time at the Lodge, I would see many of my friends get the axe. The world is a truly random place. You never really know when you will f*ck up.
Out in the world, though, people like Dom and I know one thing: You can say what you want, and managers have no power over you. Had Kalaloch Lodge been the only job in the world, then maybe they would have power over me. But now I can say and do what I want, and armed with knowledge of the law, especially tort law (which libel and slander are a part of), and since I was near the top of that class, I know exactly what line not to cross. In a sense, in the written world, I am unfuc*able with.
Yet, in 2024, I knew one thing that Dom didn't know. Keep your head down. Work hard. Be perfect. And out of momentary desperation, they will keep you around. In 2024, Kalaloch was at the height of desperation, and I truly think that's why Dom was not fired. Immediately after arriving, he ordered alcohol at the restaurant and refused to pay for it, claiming it was "wrong." Shortly after, he caused management to revise the rules on walkie-talkie etiquette. He left bonfires lit. He was banned from the kitchen for fighting with employees on multiple occasions. He stole premium "tap" root beer from the back after being told not to touch it. He drove recklessly with the carts. Yet, management seemed to give him more chances. In the end, more tales emerged. Women came forward with allegations of sexual harassment. Some of these I can confirm took place. It was also alleged that he was walking into guests' rooms in the hotel. At this point, management wanted to rid themselves of him and interviewed various people about their allegations.
Shower Fantasy Gone Wrong
Yet, the thing that was perhaps the most damning about this man was the fact that he walked in on a young woman who had just gotten out of the shower. The woman was one who worked as a hostess with me. After what appeared to be an ordinary day of work, I was told she had killed herself in her room. We were stunned. I don't know how she did it (it was one of the few things I didn't ask about). It was truly a shock and a horrific accident. I feel bad writing about it but feel that there is a place for her story to be told. I do not suggest this incident caused or led to her suicide, but the timing was truly bad.
While my roommate had a huge crush on him, the rest of the Lodge seemed to despise this man. I had added him to my Facebook account shortly after arriving at the Lodge. I thought he was strange and was warned by Elo (a manager) to "be careful" with him. I wrote about that in my journal. He seemed to like me a lot. He would follow me around at times, honk at me, and was overly friendly. I did not mind. I have always tried to be likable to a point. In the end, most people end up hating me. Perhaps that is my curse.
A Possible Sociopath?
As I read the book Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight, I could not help but think that this man fit the definition of a sociopath. I can't say that I was immune from sociopath traits either. In the end, perhaps I can turn on and off my sociopath traits with ease. When burned (as I was at this place), I go full sociopath. This blog is a beautiful testament to that. It's my revenge blog in a sense, but so much more.
The Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R)
Developed by Dr. Robert Hare, the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) is a diagnostic tool used by psychologists, primarily in forensic settings, to assess psychopathy. It consists of 20 items, each scored on a scale of 0 to 2:
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0 = Does not apply
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1 = Applies somewhat
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2 = Fully applies
A total score of 30 or above (out of 40) is typically considered indicative of psychopathy.
Factor 1: Interpersonal and Affective Traits (Manipulative & Emotionally Detached)
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Glibness/Superficial Charm – Are they smooth, engaging, and persuasive?
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Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth – Do they have an inflated ego and a sense of superiority?
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Pathological Lying – Do they lie frequently, even without reason?
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Cunning/Manipulative – Do they use deception to exploit others?
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Lack of Remorse or Guilt – Do they feel no guilt for their harmful actions?
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Shallow Affect – Do they lack deep emotional responses?
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Callous/Lack of Empathy – Do they disregard the feelings and suffering of others?
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Failure to Accept Responsibility for Own Actions – Do they blame others or make excuses?
Factor 2: Lifestyle and Antisocial Behavior (Impulsive & Irresponsible)
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Need for Stimulation/Proneness to Boredom – Do they seek constant excitement?
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Parasitic Lifestyle – Do they exploit others financially rather than work?
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Poor Behavioral Controls – Do they frequently lose their temper or act aggressively?
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Early Behavioral Problems – Did they have conduct issues as a child?
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Lack of Realistic, Long-Term Goals – Do they live impulsively without planning for the future?
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Impulsivity – Do they act without thinking?
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Irresponsibility – Do they fail to honor obligations (financial, work, family)?
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Juvenile Delinquency – Did they engage in criminal activity before age 18?
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Revocation of Conditional Release – Have they violated parole or probation?
Independent Traits (Not Directly Linked to the Two Factors Above)
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Promiscuous Sexual Behavior – Do they have multiple casual or exploitative sexual relationships?
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Many Short-Term Marital Relationships – Have they had multiple failed marriages/relationships?
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Criminal Versatility – Have they committed a variety of crimes?
As someone who is highly interested in the lives of others (over half the books I read are memoirs), I did some digging on Dom. One of the things I found was his blog. He bragged about getting a DUI, was a person who lived "day by day," and traveled the world extensively. The truth is, we had a lot in common. I just happen to know how to integrate and blend in with society far better. Perhaps that was a result of my time spent in the religious and legal world. I also have never been convicted of a crime. That means no sex offender status or anything that Kalaloch can use against me. My record is pristine. This makes it all the more troubling to me that information regarding why I fell out of favor with management and was deemed unemployable remains unknown. But as I posted before: THOSE WHO CAN NOT ACCEPT THEMSELVES CAN'T ACCEPT OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps more striking was the reaction we both had when we were told we were not welcome back. Dom sent the General Manager many hateful emails and I created this blog. Let's just say that both of us don't react well to rejection. Of course, mine came from birth. I was rejected immediately in life by my mother who "could not love me" because of something that happened far before I was born and because of her own parents adoration of me.
The Cataclysmic End
Dom was eventually fired and left the Lodge mostly quietly. I remember "hiding" from him, giving in to the rumors that he might be dangerous. The truth was, he wasn't. I ran into him shortly before he left, in our apartment of all places. He was friendly enough. The next day, he was pacing up and down the road and then went to live at a nearby campsite for a couple of days before heading back to his hometown.
Dom's blog and social media accounts outlined his desire to last a long time at Kalaloch and finally do something good. He had the desire, but his brain didn't allow it to happen. Research on impulsivity and self-sabotage suggests that individuals with poor impulse control often struggle to align their long-term goals with their immediate actions (Baumeister & Schmeichel, 2012). He was drawn to doing things as he wanted, without caring how others would view them. This aligns with studies on antisocial behavior, which indicate that individuals with high impulsivity and low conscientiousness often disregard social norms and consequences (Moffitt, 1993).
At times, it was as if he wanted to be fired, openly bragging about the places he had lost jobs at in the past. Self-destructive tendencies like these have been linked to a deep-seated fear of failure—or paradoxically, a fear of success (Burka & Yuen, 2008). A cruise ship captain he worked for told him to jump overboard—or so the story goes. Whether the story is exaggerated or not, it speaks to a pattern of interpersonal conflict often seen in individuals with difficulty regulating emotions and behavior (Linehan, 1993).
Either way, it is a sad thing to see someone ruin their chances in life. Maybe I say that because I've done that many times in my own life. I burn bridges too easily. A character defect, perhaps? Research on self-sabotage suggests that people who engage in this behavior often do so as a defense mechanism to avoid the pressure of success or to maintain a familiar state of struggle (Knapton, 2016). Maybe it's a fear of being too successful or getting too comfortable. Studies on impostor syndrome indicate that some individuals feel undeserving of stability and success, leading them to unconsciously undermine their own achievements (Clance & Imes, 1978).
In the end, the things we do, the things we are, how much we are liked, or how well we fit in matter not. We all pass away. Truly, all that matters are those around us today, those we love, and being decent people. If the worst thing I've ever done was telling my stories on a blog like this one, then that's better than many. But I know that deep down within us all is a monster clawing and raging...waiting to get out. In the end, those we look down upon are not so different than the things we fear that lurk inside of us.
In short, you are no better than those you shun.
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