It is no secret that when finding a partner, people oftentimes gravitate toward someone who reminds them of an abusive parent. Stories abound of men dating people who are the spitting image of their toxic mothers and women dating people who are repeats of an abusive father. Perhaps there is a part of them that wants to rebuild the person, change the person, and feel loved by someone who reminds them of a parent who hurt them over and over throughout their lives.
I think back to my mother and how my first girlfriend reminded many of my friends of her. My mother could not stand this woman, and when one of my friends mentioned she was like my mother, I was horrified. Yet, now looking back, I see it was true.
Men: Don't lose sleep when a woman leaves you if she reminds you of your abusive mother. Women: If you go through a breakup with a man who reminds you of your abusive father, celebrate! Aspects of this can also exist in same-sex relationships, so watch out! Traits of mom and dad can exist in people of either gender! You do not need that in your life! Even friendships with such people are cause for concern. There was a reason I ended the relationship with my family—especially my mother. A childhood riddled with unspeakable abuses is enough. I don't need to endure it as an adult. The same goes for my friends: I don't want friends who remind me of her!
When you are dating, it is tempting to gravitate toward people who remind you of a parent who destroyed your self-worth and gave you trauma as a reward for being born. Don't be tempted to engage in relationships with these people. If you are in such a relationship, it's likely to end in the same way that the relationship with the family member in question ended. When I think about Vanessa, I realize that I should not be surprised it ended how it did. In fact, I kind of expected it. Like my mom, this person needed to know she was "not a placeholder"—even though I was married! I am sorry that I could not be the person she needed, just as I was never enough for the mother who didn't love me.
So, if you are bemoaning that significant other who broke up with you and they reminded you of your parents, it's time to break out the fine china and celebrate! Pop open a bottle of the best wine or take yourself out on a date of freedom and remind yourself that next time, you will be a lot more careful! You don't need to be slipping back into a toxic childhood with your romantic choices in adulthood!
reminds me so much of my first bf. he was the spitting image of my dad. same way of yelling throwing things treating others. on our first date he yelled at our server for no good reason. i thought he was hangry. only went downhill from there. three months in and i saw things never would change. ended up married to another girl and has 2 kids. poor things. i just know there is abuse there but what can i do?
ReplyDeleteThat's so sad when children are brought into that. He sounds like the kind of guy who had no business getting married until he conquered his own demons. I used to work as a server and luckily I never had this happen to me. I worked at In-N-Out for two years and did have some customers who were mean as if for no reason though. It's crazy to think that they think that kind of behavior impresses women. Also, sorry about your dad. That's rough beyond words!
Delete