No, I'm Not Going Back To Social Media Anytime Soon

Recently, I got a text message from an in-law who was upset because I unfriended him/her on Facebook. I told this person that it was not them but that I unfriended everyone. This person did not understand, thinking it was about them. I messaged this person back, but they are lousy at using Facebook Messenger and did not read my reply. So, I removed it. I don't have time to deal with that kind of negativity in my life.

The truth is, I left Facebook for a reason. I have been distant for a reason. There are reasons behind all our actions, and if you don't like how I am, then that's not my problem at all. I don't say that to be mean, but that is the exact kind of thing that caused me to back off from family relationships over the past few months. I am tired of the drama and these relationships adding little to my life.

The truth is, I look back at my life and see so much drama and trauma, and I don't feel the desire to be close. I am off social media because I got incredibly tired of people watching me but not interacting with me. It seemed so voyeuristic. Research suggests that passive social media use, such as "lurking" without direct interaction, is associated with increased feelings of loneliness and decreased well-being (Verduyn et al., 2017). I have no desire to go back. I have also left many other social media pages. I just don't feel that I have the desire or time to engage in that anymore. It just doesn't fill me up in the same way it used to. For a while, I loved social media. But now, with my current mindset,

I don't think that I want to be looked at, viewed, spied on, gawked at, or idolized. I find social media somewhat dehumanizing. It creates in me this commodity. "The constant need to curate and present an idealized version of oneself on social media can lead to identity fatigue and a diminished sense of authenticity" (Reinecke & Trepte, 2014). It's a form of pictorial prostitution. While there is a part of me that enjoys sharing my life, there's another part of me that feels a bit dirty doing it.

I think that the issue for me truly is the voyeuristic aspect of it. I don't like to be watched, gawked at, or have too much attention on me. It's fun in the moment (sometimes). Most of the time, it's uncomfortable. It makes me feel a bit on stage, and in not such a good kind of way. "The sensation of being constantly observed on social media platforms can trigger social anxiety and contribute to heightened self-consciousness" (Huang, 2020). Truthfully, I do not get my in-law's insistence that I keep her/him on as a friend on Facebook, despite the fact that my only other friend is my wife. It would be awkward. Also, it would negate the desire to distance that I am putting between others and myself. I need a break. I need a respite. There are reasons why I have cut out almost everyone I've known personally from sites like Instagram (which I am also tired of).

Social media seems so formal now in many ways. Instagram is the perfect example of this. I feel that it is so curated. To be "successful" there, you must put your best foot forward. As my former managers (Elo, Amy, et al.) and family members know, I don't have a "best foot." My "best foot" is a severed limb that is dripping in blood. It's a limb that people don't want near them. That's fine, as I don't want that "limb" near anyone else either. That limb is my own. I don't need to throw it around like a piece of meat in front of a pack of hungry dogs.

Sorry, in-law, but this can't happen. This is not the time for me to be social. It's not the time to get all cozy. I need a break. If anything, last year taught me that I could not go on as I thought I could. My family knows that all too well. I am starting to come out of my depressive-induced stupor. I am learning that life does not revolve around the past. I want out of it, and I am climbing out now. A new page in life is turning, and I am realizing that every day that passes, the past is further behind me. The days of flipping burgers and serving them at Kalaloch Lodge are now long gone. There is no way—come hell or high (dish) water—that they will ever hire me back. I am a black stain. And I am fine with that. I don't even need to know what happened. What is done is done. And I think that it's a good thing. Every action we take is for a reason.

Sorry, in-law. They say every dog has its day, and you had yours. I have no ill intent or ill will toward you. I think you are a fine enough person, and you have your own collection of friends. If anything, I can see how Facebook does a fine job of bringing a person's insecurities to light. I can see you are insecure about my lack of friendship. I can see you are insecure about me not accepting you. Truth be told, I fully accept you. I think you're a lovely person. You are a beautiful and incredible human being. I honestly love you and hold you in high regard. I wish you nothing but the absolute best in life. You've been so hard on yourself, and you don't deserve that. I wish I could just shake you sometimes and tell you that there are so many of us who love you. You don't need to think that people look down on you, and if they do, so what? That's their problem. I am not one of them. But I really do think that you should not care about who follows you, unfriends you, or all of that. You'll make yourself crazy wondering why.

References

• Huang, C. (2020). Social network site use and academic achievement: A meta-analytic review. Computers & Education, 156, 103936.

• Reinecke, L., & Trepte, S. (2014). Authenticity and well-being on social network sites: A mediational model. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(7), 430-436.

• Verduyn, P., Ybarra, O., Résibois, M., Jonides, J., & Kross, E. (2017). Do social network sites enhance or undermine subjective well-being? A critical review. Social Issues and Policy Review, 11(1), 274-302.