I am now in India, and posts may be coming a bit slower to this blog. That said, I don’t want it to come to an end, and I am going to keep posting here. This blog is incredibly therapeutic for me. It represents the things I wanted to say for years before I let go of the fantasy that, one day, if I hid my thoughts, maybe things would be different with my family. This blog represents waking up, letting go, and realizing that things don’t change. It’s now 2025, and nothing has changed. In fact, looking at everything as a whole from my last trip to Spokane, I think things have gotten far worse.
Now that I’m in India, I feel that I am more noticed by family, friends, and others. It’s an interesting paradox how family and others suddenly take notice of us when we do something unique, different, or out of the ordinary. It’s strange to me that once someone goes back to their normal life, they mean nothing. I think I saw that when I went back to Spokane. When I’m around my family, I am nobody. When I am in some new place doing new things, I am suddenly a person of worth. But that realization does something to one’s self-worth. It tells a person that they are only worth something when they are away or doing something extraordinary.
I realized that I am not worth anything just for who I am. That is the message I have received since I was a child, and it is reinforced every time I do anything with my life. I believe that’s one reason why those of us who see this pattern become lethargic in life. Yet, it’s also why some people become overachievers. We want to be seen, loved, and accepted because we know we won’t be if we don’t do something extraordinary. Strangely, some people are held back from doing much with their lives because they fear they won’t be accepted if they stand out. I have experienced both extremes at various times. The end result is this: no matter what you do in life, there will always be people who don’t accept you — and the most vocal critics, the ones who accept you the least, are often your family.
I realize now that I have put too much of my self-worth in the hands of others all these years. It’s not anyone else’s place to change how we see ourselves. The fact is, everyone is busy with their own lives, dealing with their own struggles, and battling their own feelings of inadequacy. Sitting in traffic in Delhi, I thought about how I was surrounded by millions of people. All of them are fighting the same battles I face. I am not unique in this way. What would be more unique is to climb out of those thoughts and realize that what other people think of me does not matter.
When I think back to my family, I am reminded every time I visit them that I could never live there. It puts me in a place of deep, lasting depression. I also realize that I can’t control others or what they think of me. They are always going to think of me the same way. I can’t cling to hope that things will change. I can’t change anyone except myself. I can’t expect anything to ever be different. All I can do is protect myself from such thoughts and feelings by making my own life an oasis in a desert of insanity.
I do not travel to new places to please other people. I do this only for myself. What bothers me more is seeing that others focus on my life only when I do these things. Maybe that’s an issue with social media as a whole. I don’t want my family to see my life. I don’t want them to have any idea what I am doing with my life. It’s not healthy to share your life with people who bring you down.
What is healthy, however, is writing about your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Create a shadow journal and be completely open and honest about how you feel. I have found this exercise to be incredibly helpful in life. Life is messy, and sometimes you have to let out your so-called “dark side” in some way.
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