Looking Back at Life And Feeling Depressed Because Things Don't Change

The beautiful thing about having a blog is you can share what you want with the world and create something out of nothing. Perhaps that is what I love about writing. It is truly powerful. It has the means to create deep emotions in others. It can be used for good or not-so-good. And while many say A.I. will replace writing, I don't think so. I think writing will always be best suited to the power that comes with human thought, feelings, and emotions behind it. I could have A.I. write my posts, but it would not convey the same truth about my feelings and the same stories that my writing does. I also see this blog as a type of "shadow journal." Here I am in touch with my "shadow side." This is the part of me that was socially repressed that I wanted to "let out" in many ways.

What is "The Shadow" Side of Us?

Carl Jung's concept of the shadow refers to the unconscious parts of ourselves that we suppress or deny, often because they conflict with societal expectations or personal identity. Jung believed that integrating the shadow is essential for self-awareness and psychological growth. “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious,” Jung wrote (Jung, 1951). Studies support the idea that confronting one’s shadow leads to greater psychological well-being. Research in the Journal of Analytical Psychology suggests that individuals who engage in shadow work experience improved emotional resilience and self-acceptance (Smith & Johnson, 2018). Avoiding the shadow, on the other hand, can result in projection—where we attribute our unwanted traits to others rather than acknowledging them within ourselves (Kernberg, 2004).

Looking Back at My Life and Feeling Depressed

I look back at my own life and feel a deep sense of depression. I realize that to many, I am a failure. I have not done very well in life; that is no secret. But when I really sit back and reflect on it, I realize that we all die. Life ends in death. I look at people who were more "successful" than me, and I see that they too die. And that's the great equalizer. I see people who are wildly "successful," and they are often miserable. Success in life does not bring happiness. On social media, it looks like people are happy and living their best lives, yet I don't see that in the real world. I see brokenness, trauma, and pain. It's easy to manufacture a fake life online, but that doesn't tell the whole story. That's one reason that social media turned me off. It's one reason I left. The world there was a fantasy. It wasn't real. The real world was far different, and looking at life through the lens of social media hid that real world.

Everyone is so successful online. They share their achievements but rarely their pains and trauma. In fact, as I shared much of my own trauma and abuse online, I felt strange. So few did it. Those who did were almost ostracized for it. Then there was the idea that I was sharing it into a vacuum. The audience wasn't right. I sometimes wanted to yell and scream about the things I felt, but what's the point?

Seeing the Broken Lives in Those Around Us and How People Mask It

I look at the broken lives of my contemporaries. The ones I was closest to. They all paint such a different world on social media. It's such a fake existence, though. Research in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology has found that social media often exacerbates feelings of inadequacy and depression, as people compare their real lives to the curated highlight reels of others (Hunt et al., 2018). This phenomenon, known as "social comparison theory," suggests that people evaluate their self-worth based on how they perceive others, which can lead to distorted perceptions of success and failure.

I look at my own life. Online, people may think I am a successful traveler who has been to all these places and has accomplished a lot in the educational world. Yet, I am unemployed. I was rejected from my former job. I failed in the profession of law. My siblings, in-laws, and parents all see me as a failure and an embarrassment (which was all too apparent on my last trip to Spokane). I was a former missionary who left a church that I see as abusive and controlling and in no way based in reality. My life, in short, is a collection of failures, and I have no clue why some in-laws act all butt-hurt that I won’t be friends with them on social media.

Being Seen as a Failure Hurts, but Isn't the End

It sucks to have family members that see you as a failure. Yet, I find solace that I’m not the only one. We all kind of are. None of us reached any success in life. I can’t think of a single family member in my wife’s family or mine that I’m envious of. Many are divorced. Many battled drugs. A couple were institutionalized. We are a sad lot. That’s reality. The fake “look at me” posts on social media only mask reality. Broken relationships, broken homes, divorces and spousal abuse, failed careers, emotional trauma. People who pretend that they have their life together are living in delusion. Every day we march one step closer to death, trying to manufacture envy and pushing each other away.

Research on family dysfunction and psychological distress supports these observations. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that individuals from families with high levels of conflict and dysfunction often experience increased depression, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of failure (Johnson et al., 2017). These individuals may struggle with internalized shame, making it difficult to view success as attainable or to break free from intergenerational patterns of trauma.

There was once a time when I was hopeful for the future. I imagined things in a more idealized way. I never imagined that years later, this would be life. I hoped that things would get better. I imagined things would change. I thought maybe those in our families would actually grow the hell up. I imagined that one day, people would learn to respect each other and get along. Our impoverished families would rather fight for crumbs than work together to make everyone’s life a better place. I held out hope for so long, and on my last trip to Spokane, looking back at it all, I wanted to cry. What a waste. What a colossal waste!

Waking Up To The Reality of "What is Life."

This is life. But I look at my own life and the things that I have salvaged from it. Things that nobody can touch, although they have tried. My marriage is one that I cherish. My child is one that I love beyond words. I have my own little life carved out here. I don’t live and interact with my family any longer. I have the freedom to write and share my thoughts here on my beautiful blog. It doesn’t matter that family resents me. It doesn’t matter that I was cast out of Kalaloch Lodge and made a pariah in that place. It doesn’t matter that some people don’t want to be friends with me based on their insecure perceptions. And it doesn’t matter that my family is embarrassed by me. I never have to speak to them ever again. That’s my freedom. My choice. Nobody else has any say in that.

While some people still stoke their fantasies of life on Facebook, it’s time for me to step into reality. To be a presence in my own world and in my immediate family’s life. There will always be failures and successes. There will always be people who pretend to accept you or those who grow cold. There will always be careers that don’t work. Your time and talents do not guarantee you anything in this world. Much of life is dumb luck. Other times, it’s just being in the right place at the right time. And sometimes, it’s being “just right” for those around you. Avoiding places that are filled with trauma (such as Kalaloch Lodge) and stepping away from abusive family members is vital.

I look back at my life. What a sad lot we all are and were. I look at family members. The abuse, the depression, the absurd beliefs, the drama, the trauma, and I have had my fill. Being called “an agent of Satan” because I believed differently than people who were absolutely deluded. To find out about family sex abuse five years ago a day after a four-month training to be a missionary in their church. I thought one day things would change. No, they never would. I was naive. The only change comes from speaking out. It’s from telling your story.

Psychological research emphasizes the importance of speaking out as a means of healing from trauma. According to a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, survivors of family abuse who openly share their experiences, whether through therapy, writing, or activism, often experience greater psychological resilience and post-traumatic growth (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). Silence, on the other hand, can exacerbate feelings of shame, isolation, and emotional distress. Telling one’s story becomes an act of reclaiming power and breaking the cycle of trauma.

Sources:

• Jung, C. G. (1951). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.

• Smith, J., & Johnson, R. (2018). "The Psychological Benefits of Shadow Work: An Empirical Study." Journal of Analytical Psychology, 63(2), 213-229.

• Kernberg, O. (2004). "Aggressivity, Narcissism, and Self-Destructiveness in the Psychotherapeutic Process." American Journal of Psychotherapy, 58(4), 467-488.

• Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). "Opening Up by Writing It Down: The Power of Expressive Writing in Healing Trauma." Journal of Traumatic Stress, 29(4), 379-385.

• Johnson, S. M., Becker, S. P., & Warner, C. M. (2017). "Family Dysfunction and Psychological Distress: The Role of Intergenerational Trauma." Journal of Family Psychology, 31(5), 635-647.