Life can be harsh. The world makes no promises to anyone about what will happen. A person's life is a blank slate from birth to death. Nobody has a crystal ball. In a perfect world, parents would want their children to succeed. After all, having good resources and the ability to overcome life's obstacles is crucial. Despite this, many parents and family members do not wish for others to find success. Financial success, in particular, is often guarded jealously within families. The unspoken message is often: Do not do better than your parents, your older siblings, or those who have already "made it."
For many in my family—and perhaps even more so with my in-laws—it has long been a dream that I would fail. I first noticed this when I was in college and later in law school. My father-in-law would say things that suggested I should not aspire to financial security. When I moved away, many hoped that one day we would crawl back home. Perhaps that desire is even greater now. I wonder how many in both my family and my wife’s family would be elated if we failed and ended up moving back to Spokane, where the rest of the family lives.
It is a sad reality that some people do not want their family members to succeed. I have never resented other relatives for achieving financial security, yet I have faced constant discouragement for pursuing my own. Recently, my father-in-law passed away, and we had to make an international trip for his funeral. It was expensive and a huge burden for us. Many hoped we could help with the burial, and I thought to myself: It would have been nice to be able to. But for years, I had been told I should not strive for financial success, that I should not do anything different. And for too long, I listened. Had I ignored those voices and fully pursued my talents and ambitions, perhaps I could have helped.
If the message had been different all these years, maybe I could have done more. Yet many families keep each other poor and then wonder why they remain poor. I have been chastised my entire life for going to university and law school, for moving away, for working, for starting businesses. I have been criticized for not "doing what others wanted me to do" instead. I will never understand why a parent would not want their child to be financially well-off. What good does it do my parents or in-laws if we struggle after they are gone? What good does it do my in-laws’ siblings? Why the envy? Are you all truly that broken?
I will never give my in-laws the satisfaction of going back to where they live. Some environments are simply toxic, and I learned on my last trip that I want nothing to do with that place. I was right to leave when I did. Sometimes, living near family creates chaos and discord that no amount of effort can fix. For me, that was the case. Distance is a breath of fresh air.
It is also unwise to spend time around those who hope you fail. I have distanced myself greatly from family and will continue to do so. There is no rule that says you must be close with family or in-laws. If people are openly hostile toward you for your life choices and goals, it is time to walk away. Why would a family wish for someone to be poor and struggling? It makes no sense. And things that don’t make sense are often best ignored.
There are some reasons why parents do not want their children to do well financially in life:
Some parents fear losing control over their children. If a child becomes financially independent, they are less likely to rely on their parents for support, making it harder for the parents to influence their decisions. This can be especially true in families where control is maintained through financial dependency.
Not all parents handle their children's success well. Some may feel envious if their child achieves more than they did, as it highlights their own shortcomings. Instead of feeling pride, they may feel resentment, especially if they struggled financially themselves.
Some parents grew up believing that wealth is unattainable or that financial success is only for a select few. If they hold a scarcity mindset, they might unconsciously pass down the belief that aiming for financial success is unrealistic, greedy, or even immoral.
In some cultures or family traditions, there is an expectation that children should follow a certain path—such as staying close to home, taking care of parents, or inheriting a family business. Pursuing financial independence might be seen as a rejection of these expectations, leading to discouragement or disapproval.
Some parents associate financial independence with emotional distance. They might believe that once their child is successful, they will move far away, become too busy, or no longer prioritize family.
Some people, including parents, equate ambition with arrogance. If they view striving for more as a rejection of their values or lifestyle, they may discourage their children from aiming higher. This was huge issue in the church that I eventually left.
In families where financial struggles have been the norm, a child achieving success can disrupt established roles. Siblings or other relatives may feel inferior, leading parents to discourage success to maintain "balance" in the family.
If a parent has experienced financial failure or hardship, they may project their fears onto their children. Rather than encouraging them to take risks, they might push them toward "safe" but limiting choices, fearing failure more than they desire success.
In some cases, a child’s success can feel like a rejection of their parents' way of life. If parents struggled financially and took pride in their sacrifices, a child's decision to pursue wealth may feel like an insult to their hardships.
There is also something called "the crab mentality." This is the idea that when one crab tries to climb out of a bucket, the others pull it back in. Some families operate this way—when one member starts to rise, others subconsciously or actively try to pull them back down. This is something I have experienced every time I went back to visit family.
Knowing the reasons that family members do not want you to succeed in life are important to breaking the cycle.
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