Those Who Can Never Accept Themselves Will Never Accept You

People Are Afraid of Confrontation

Long ago, I learned just how afraid people are of confrontation. They do not mind it if it's on their terms, but many start to fear it when it comes to saying something. This is even the case when it comes to asking for what one wants in life. It's better for people to be silent rather than speak up. Former good friends will break up and end the friendship rather than work things out in a confrontational way. I would know, as I have been there myself. But I realize that this is not the way. It is healthy to embrace some confrontation in life. We all have needs, and those needs deserve to be met, even if it is uncomfortable.

I recently emailed my last job to ask for guidance on what went wrong. I want to be better. I want to improve. But I did not get a reply, nor do I think I will (and if I do, I will come back and change this post a bit). Instead, I have a feeling that whatever it was that I did that was so awful at Kalaloch is something that can't be pointed out. That, or I think that the management there just does not like my beliefs (or something else about me). I don't know what it is, and they won't tell me.

I was reading a book called Girl, Interrupted, and the young woman wanted to know how long she had been sedated for her dental work. Neither the dentist nor the head nurse would tell her. Instead, they let her writhe in agony, wondering about the answer to this simple question. It was almost as if they got off on not telling her, even though it was her life. I also read similar instances of this in other books about life in mental institutions. I think that's a bit of what is going on with Kalaloch management in not speaking to me.

National Park Jobs Attract People on the Fringes

I understand that Kalaloch gets some crazies. I understand that they are on edge. National Park jobs tend to attract the kind of people who run away from home, who are nomadic, who do not put down roots, or who have problems in other areas of life. I never realized that until I started my work there. However, I imagine that Amy (and Eloria to a lesser extent) have their hands full. I saw quite a few of those people during my short time there, and let me just say, I would not want to deal with that. I can't imagine how Amy dealt with trying to get rid of one certain employee last year who could have become rather dangerous. Luckily, most of these people are just letting off some steam and talk big. In the end, most leave and go on with their lives. However, that is not to say that one may one day go crazy and do something nobody wants to see happen.

I have always been drawn to the mental institution and to literature about psychology and people who were "crazy." As a child, it was asserted by "friends" that I was schizo or something like that. I know that was a popular thing to say among kids, but it stuck with me. I think I took it somewhat seriously and was drawn to those kinds of people. I think that's one thing I really loved about Kalaloch—you never knew what kind of crazy would walk in the door.

The Importance of Being Open to Confrontation

It seems that I got a bit carried away with this post. I was posting about confrontation, and I ended up reminiscing about my time at Kalaloch Lodge. Getting back to my point, those who are not afraid of confrontation are the type who often seek to improve. For years, I was afraid to reach out to people or ask questions. I had always hoped that the stars would align and I'd find some great opportunity by chance or just on my résumé. I also avoided family and left family groups or grew distant because I did not stand up for myself. It was easier for me to just leave. Granted, many people in my family and my wife's family are absolute hell to deal with, and they have serious temper issues that absolutely suck to deal with. That is one reason it's easier to leave those relationships.

When asking such questions or entering confrontation, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. I wanted to know what I did wrong, but in the end, it doesn't really matter too much. The truth is, even if I could go back to Kalaloch, I would not want to now. My reputation there has to be tarnished to the extreme. I don't need to be at a place like that. Second, the whole area was depressing to me. I loved the money, and a few of the people were gems, but overall, the Forks area is so insulated and dark and dreary and laden with bad memories. It would eat at me until I was a ball of nothing.

People Who Don't Accept Themselves Will Never Accept Others

These types of questions are best asked in the moment. We must brace ourselves for uncomfortable answers. We must be courageous enough to accept what is said and cunning enough to answer quickly if the person is out of bounds. And we must equip ourselves with the mental tools to interact in a healthy and positive way with negative situations that take place around us. There will be other jobs. There will be other places with people who may actually be wholly accepting for the long term. I do not expect people at transitory jobs like this to be accepting. Most are too broken. Most come from backgrounds of abuse, neglect, and turmoil. Many of these people can't accept themselves, and it shows. The level of drug use and alcoholism that existed at Kalaloch was mind-blowing to me. The addiction is huge. It's amazing that many people can function at work. I know of some who barely could. It was crazy to see. Maybe this is another thing that set me apart and made people slow to accept me. I didn't play along. Maybe they thought I thought I was better than them (I didn't). I dearly only wanted to be accepted by them, but it could have never been.

You can't be accepted by those who do not accept themselves. This goes for family, workplaces, institutions, and anywhere else. My mother could never accept herself (and I won't say why here), and there were other family members and in-laws who also could never accept themselves. The people at Kalaloch were the same exact way.