A couple of months back, I was super depressed. I felt lost. I had no idea what I wanted. I had just ended my job on the Olympic Peninsula, flew back to the Republic of Georgia, and felt that life was once again up in the air. I was beyond happy to be with my wife and daughter, but there was something missing.
For years, I had heard about much of what I wrote about. When I would talk about the issues in my life, I often heard through another person that someone found something to dislike about what I had written. I can't say that I blame them. Sometimes I write things that can be difficult to read. However, I also believe that it's important to talk about what happens in life. Balancing this is hard at times.
Sitting there, at my in-laws' house outside of Spokane, I wondered what went wrong all these years. I had recently had a blow-up with my sister (and this was a sister that I had never fought with previously), and I was annoyed at how I was not supposed to bring up the fact that my in-laws had an issue with me going back to the US to work. I was beyond annoyed by this (see the post: "The Importance of Open Communication with Families"). When I mentioned some of this to other family members, it was brushed off. The funeral was on everyone's mind, and it was not the right time (spoiler: it's never the right time).
I thought back to the last couple of years. When I was having issues with religion, many well-meaning family members quickly came out of the woodwork to tell me I was wrong and just had to keep the faith. Yet, once all that was over, where was everyone? They disappeared.
The Pattern of Conditional Acceptance
Yes, that's right. I found that there was a disturbing pattern in my life. If someone in the family didn't like what I said, wrote, or believed, I would hear about it. Once I complied, I was once again nothing. If I went along with everyone's wishes in life, it was okay. I didn't have to be contacted or befriended. But once I did something that someone didn't like — then there was a problem!
Realizing My Desire for Freedom
I started to realize that what I wanted was to be able to speak freely and be myself. I never had that because I was always hoping to be noticed. I was always hoping that maybe one day, if I did everything right, I would be worth something in the eyes of my family.
I held out hope that maybe communication would one day happen or that we could become healthy. That would have been beautiful, but I was coming to the conclusion, looking back at decades of history, that nothing would change. We were all too locked in our ways.
I found that I was being silent to keep a peace that was never really there. And inside, I was screaming to be myself. I wanted to be able to speak freely and not care what others thought about me. I was tired of caring so much about those who obviously didn't care about me at all (see my post "The Straw that Breaks the Camel's Back").
The Fantasy of Acceptance
We all want to be ourselves. Oftentimes we let a fantasy of what could be keep us from truly being ourselves and speaking out. We are often afraid that we won't be accepted if we show our strange, weird, or special side. If we are too vocal, we imagine that others will pull away from us.
Yet, on that trip to Spokane, I saw that people did pull away from me all these years. They pulled away because I was different. Because I was an outsider. Because I moved away. Because I lived differently. Because I didn't visit when they wanted me to. Because I didn't believe like they did. Because I didn't remain in the same socio-economic status. Because I no longer belonged to the same church. Because I didn't accept abuse from my mother. Because I lived in another country. Because my life was so different.
Many pulled away years ago, and I lived this little fantasy in my mind that one day they'd all come accepting me and see that it was okay to be different. No. It would have NEVER happened!
It would have NEVER, EVER happened, and when I finally realized that, I broke down and mourned the death of the fantasy — the death of the unicorn that was what I imagined family to look like. And I honestly think that this is the reality for so many people out there. What we imagine family to be, what family really is, and what we hope they can become are so out of sync that it's nothing more than a dream that holds us back from truly living!
What is Family?
Family is a cultural construct that means different things to different people. We have an attachment to family that is natural. Family raised us. When we imagine our earliest years, most of us imagine those people who fed us, changed our clothing, and protected us. Bonds are created during this time. It's hard for us to see the breakdown of such bonds.
Many people can't imagine separating from families, even when things go wrong. The emotional pull is too great. Yet, at the same time, family drama is everywhere. It eats at all people at different periods of life. Some families are hopelessly abusive. Many people hold resentment and pain in when it comes to family, yet never let go of the idea that family is the center of their world.
Media's Perfect Family vs. Reality
In media, we see images of the perfect family. Sure, they have their problems, yet they always come together at the end with a big smile. They gather for the holidays, sing songs together, worship together, and share the joys of life milestones. They are there at college graduations, homecoming games, and weddings. Family can be a truly beautiful thing.
There is something we all want in life that eludes us. For some, it is wealth. For others, it's a happy marriage or a relationship with our "soulmate." For others, it's a career. Some don't have health.
For me, that one thing that eluded me was family. I wanted it so badly. I lamented it. But I could not have that and the other thing I wanted, which was freedom. Family would not allow me to be myself or to just be.
And that's one thing that many families don't give their children (see the post: "Autonomy and Families: When Do You Get to Be An Adult?").
Choosing Myself Over the Fantasy
In the end, I realized that I had to either give up the fantasy that I would be accepted one day and be myself or keep hiding who I was in order to live in the never-ending hope that I would one day be "good enough."
Yet, when I realized that, one day, you see that you tried so hard to be everything to everyone, but everyone is gone and you remain. And you wonder why you spent so much time trying to be the person you were not when you finally become yourself.
Being an Outsider
In the end, we live busy lives. Family emerges when I'm a "bad boy." When I say something that they don't like. I never was the kind of person to get in legal trouble and need to be bailed out of jail. I never dishonored my parents by doing drugs or getting a DUI. I was perfect in every other way except for the fact that I didn't live like they did.
I didn't check off every box in life. Many in my wife's family also hated this. Different isn't easy to love. It's scary. I would have spent the rest of my life being a quiet little outsider.
Embracing Myself
I realized that I am and always will be an outsider — and as such, I am going to make it my own. I am going to be myself. I am going to write what I want and tell my story.
One thing that the trip back to my former home gave me was the push to create this blog. And I am extremely excited to share my journey and insight with those who are also wanting to realize that there's more to life than trying to be everything to everyone except for yourself.
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