There is always that little part of me that thinks, "It would be good to go back to Facebook. It would be good to be connected with people. To relive the memories of the good times we have had (and there have been some). It would be good. Yes, I may do it."
Yesterday I thought about it and friended a few, and then a horrible—and I mean absolutely vile—feeling came over me. Just darkness. Pure darkness. Not the same darkness I had on my last trip to Spokane (when I became enraged and thought murderous thoughts). But it was a form of darkness nonetheless. And I decided to deactivate it.
I reactivated it later in the day as I remembered that's where I listen to "Brooke and Jubal in the Morning's Second Date Update." But the thought of going back on there to be social did not sit right with me. And I realized that now is not the time to do so. Returning to social media would be like stepping back into the mire that is my past—family drama, being watched and voyeured—and may even cause the "dark feelings" to emerge that I have been able to put away for the most part.
Psychological studies have shown that family trauma can have a profound effect on emotional regulation. According to research published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, unresolved childhood trauma can lead to heightened responses to stress, making even digital interactions feel like emotional landmines. Social media, with its curated narratives and passive aggression masked as connection, often exacerbates these unresolved wounds, re-triggering emotions buried under years of self-preservation.
Every Person Has a Breaking Point
When it comes to abuse, every person has a breaking point. We read stories all the time of people who just "go insane" and do the unspeakable. On my last trip to Spokane, I caught a glimpse of this in me, and it made me feel inhuman in some ways. That's the moment I knew beyond any doubt that I could never again converse with my family. Instead, I have taken to this blog, writing out my thoughts and feelings of a lifetime of abuse and family toxicity. It has helped. But there's another side, too. It rekindles those feelings that came with such dark periods.
Recent psychological literature suggests that rage and dissociation are common reactions to prolonged exposure to family-induced trauma. A study in the American Journal of Psychiatry found that individuals who experience chronic emotional abuse often develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as emotional detachment or outbursts of anger, as a means of self-defense. When old wounds are reopened, the brain responds as if the trauma is happening in real-time, triggering the same fight-or-flight mechanisms that were first activated years ago.
Long-term exposure to family dysfunction has also been linked to conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD. According to research published in Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, individuals who suffer repeated cycles of psychological manipulation and neglect may develop intrusive thoughts and heightened anxiety when confronted with familial triggers. The mere thought of returning to a toxic environment—whether in person or digitally—can elicit a stress response comparable to reliving the trauma itself.
Recently, I read a book called Jesus Land. It was about the life of a young woman and her African American adopted brother who were beaten and mentally abused by a deeply conservative Christian family. They eventually were shipped away to live at a boarding school (prison) in the Dominican Republic. At first, the young woman and all the "level 0s" had to ask permission to even move, lift a fork, take a bite, walk in a room, etc. It got better over time as they leveled up. Eventually, they could wear makeup, have some autonomy, and even talk to other people of the opposite sex. I also read another book about a former prostitute in Ireland who recounted her childhood abuse and leaving home at 15 to become a prostitute. Both of these women recalled how writing these books brought back intense pain. I also feel it when I write some of my blog entries. Writing about Spokane and family is not an easy thing for me. It brings back a sense of rage mixed with sadness and anger that is hard to describe. I have been learning ways to cope with this or to "prepare" myself for writing and not focusing on it. One way is by divorcing myself from that, almost thinking of myself as a separate person.
Psychologists suggest that journaling and expressive writing can serve as an essential tool for processing past trauma. According to research in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, individuals who write about their emotions tend to exhibit lower levels of distress over time. However, re-experiencing traumatic memories through writing can also lead to temporary emotional distress, reinforcing the importance of balancing reflection with self-care strategies such as mindfulness and grounding techniques.
Now Is Not A Good Time To Go Back
Now is not a good time to go back to Facebook. A recent post I wrote on here talks about how "I wished things would change, but they never did, and never could." Every time I would go back to the den of family, I was reminded of how time stood still. Perhaps that is the problem with living in the same place all your life or congregating with other family members who refuse to be better. To go back to Facebook is to put myself back in that world—a world I spent so much time and effort escaping. There is no place of abuse worse to me in this whole world than that place.
Social media often acts as a digital mirror, reflecting unresolved conflicts and reinforcing unhealthy patterns. A study in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking journal found that prolonged exposure to social media can increase symptoms of depression and anxiety, particularly for individuals with histories of familial conflict. The curated nature of online personas can distort reality, making one feel trapped in a past they have worked hard to escape.
Another troubling aspect of social media is the passive-aggressive behavior that often goes unchecked. Family members who refuse to communicate directly may instead resort to vague, cryptic posts or backhanded comments, creating an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Studies have shown that this kind of online hostility can lead to increased stress and even physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, and fatigue. From my personal also can lead to negative feelings about individuals and a need to separate and withdraw and isolate from many people. Yes, there are times that "innocent people" get caught up in my isolation.
When being around others brings out dark feelings, it's best to avoid those relationships altogether. That is not my world. I am better off letting it rest in the past and figuring out how to deal with it when the time comes. Every person has a breaking point. Every person must walk away at some point and say, "I'm done." While my sisters never could understand why I left my family, the truth is, it would have done no good for anyone for me to remain. When I saw my youngest sister lash out at me with words to create guilt, I knew there was nothing left for me.
One Doesn't Just "Let Go"
People will tell me "just let go." "Grow Up!" "Move on!" Everyone has their own timeline for letting go. It is a process, and healing is nonlinear. It is not as simple as moving on from one incident. This is a series of incidents by hurtful people that has been a life-long problem with all the associated guilt and shame that attends it. But by stepping away from toxic relationships—both in person and online—we can reclaim our power. The best thing I can do is focus on my future, build my own happiness, and refuse to let the past define who I am today.
A couple posts from Reddit say it well:
"People say 'just move on,' like it’s that simple. But when the same people who hurt you keep acting like nothing happened, it’s hard to pretend everything is fine. I’m not holding a grudge—I’m holding boundaries."
"It’s wild how the ones who hurt you the most will tell you to ‘get over it’ the fastest. Healing takes time, and I refuse to be rushed just because it makes others uncomfortable."
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