I Am Not a Good Person (And That's Okay!)

The desire to be seen as a "good person" has always been huge in me. In the world of religion, I wanted so badly to believe that I was good. I wanted to believe that my background as a Christian missionary with no criminal record and a life of service would make me a good person. That started to erode when I realized that there were issues that I had trouble believing. I even began to question my own religion. While I have moved past the idea of beliefs and questioning, I feel that I can never return to the thought or fantasy of being "a good person."

What is a good person? Perhaps that is the question that I wrestle with. For years, I thought it was staying away from criminal activity, not taking advantage of people, being helpful, honest, and giving back. I have done all those things in life, but I don't think that makes me good. In fact, after my last trip to Spokane, I was troubled by thoughts I had. I had never imagined myself hurting someone before. Yet, there was a lingering moment when I wanted to so badly. I found myself consumed with hate like I’ve never felt before. When I read the book Confessions of a Sociopath, I found out that I was not alone in this, nor was I alone in the reason. She stated that when she was made to "feel guilt," she felt rage in her. This was the same rage that I felt in me.

I was always so turned off by how religion used guilt to control people. For a while, I saw churches as machines that used guilt to get money and service from those who were a part of it. While this is often partly true, I don't think it paints the whole picture. Some people enjoy giving those things. Some people find joy in giving back and being a part of something. In short, it is good for people to give, and in some ways, I was wrong.

Yet I came back to the whole good person thing. If I was good, why would my former job "ghost" me? Fellow employees said I did good. Elo, the manager who blocked me once said to me "you have a beautiful soul." Yet, such feelings do not last. They change like the tides at any given moment. I also am slow to believe compliments, knowing just how rapidly people can change.

What was it about me that turned people off? I could wrestle with that forever, but I am learning not to care what others think of me. If I cared, I would not make this blog nor would I share it with others. Yet, during my phase of wondering, I felt a similar rage that I felt with my family. I imagined, fantasized, over and over again, about a huge tsunami hitting and destroying the entire Washington coast. Killing thousands, destroying Queets, sinking and obliterating Kalaloch Lodge. I can't deny that fantasy felt good. In fact, it was incredibly therapeutic, and I often found myself returning to it over and over again when I felt anger about how it all ended.

While I would be sad to hear of an actual tsunami hitting the coast, I realize that it's no different than any disaster hitting anywhere else. The only difference is that it happens to hit those whom I felt anger and sadness over. In a sense, my mind may see it as a form of karma, almost deserved. That's why I can't imagine that I am a good person.

My Mother's Forced Abortion

Also, if I was good, my family would have been more accepting. Yet, that was not the case. I was "unlovable since birth." That's a shame. Now, here's the deal: My mother may have a reason for this line of thinking.

My mother was pregnant with another child before I was born. She was still a child, and her parents cared deeply about what the community thought of them. She was forced to undergo an abortion. She resented that her entire life. I think she still does. I think that still eats at her to this day.

My mother resented the fact that her parents, the same ones who doted on me, forced her to get rid of her first child. She probably imagined how wonderful life would be with that child, and they took that away from her. When I was born, the same parents who took that one thing she loved from her gave me their complete affection. For that reason, she could not attach to me. In fact, she was probably disgusted. And I was the object of that disgust. No wonder she said she’d "wait to have another child" to set the scales, so to speak. This would be a child on her terms. It all makes complete psychological sense.

In short, I was the follow-up to the child that my mother was forced to "murder." I never fully understood that when I was young. I had no clue. I just knew that my mother resented me. It got to a fever pitch when I was in high school and she was obsessing over abortion footage on the internet. She would spend hours looking at pictures of aborted babies and crying. It was during this period that our relationship hit its lowest point.

Giving People What They Want in Life

I have since left my family because of the flat fact that I am not wanted there. I won't pretend that it's the case. I saw that completely the last time I visited. It could not have been more clear. I promise that I will never again speak to the members of my family. They can pretend that I do not exist.

I used to believe that giving people what they wanted in life was the mark of a good person. Good people care about how others feel. It would be obvious for me to give people the one thing they want: me being gone. But human nature is not so cut and dry. Instead, humans don't always know what they want. While it’s obvious that my family wants me out of the picture, their egos tend to get hurt when the thought is "he chose to close the door on us." No, I did not choose to close the door on you. I gave you what you showed me you wanted year after year. I believe strongly that they now have it, and I hope that they can find it within to be grateful.

I was taught in church that "there is not one good person, not one." I now am inclined to think that. If I am not good, I should not cry or lament. No one is good. We are all wayward beings who go through life making mistakes and causing our own flavor of harm. And trying to be good, as I saw in others (especially in the world of religion and with some members of my/my wife's family), only leads to insecurity and a need to prove one's self at every turn. It's not healthy and it leads to all kinds of issues. Like my mother, the harm we cause isn't all our fault. It's a tapestry of choices brought on by many people throughout time. The worst actions often come when we are forced to be or act a certain way. When people are pushed into a corner, they lash out. Terrible things happen, as my sister could have found out. Luckily for her, she'll never have to deal with me again. That, to me, is a true mercy for all of us. 

Maybe there is an ounce of good in me after all.

From Swagger to Scandal: Dom’s Infamous Summer

He had a swagger. I've never seen a man walk like that. He walked around like he owned the place. Honestly, had I not known any better, I'd say this man was the manager of Delaware North or the deed holder to the property of Kalaloch Lodge. Those who worked with me last summer will know who I am talking about. He is a true legend in every sense of the word. His black beard was his calling card. The way he drove his porter cart made people wince. The way he interacted with the women was unlike anything that I had ever seen. Confidence, or a sense of not giving one damn about what others thought, permeated every fiber of this man's being.

At the bonfires, he stood proud. Rules were to be broken. The world (of Kalaloch Lodge) was his oyster. When Garth played Whalecock, he popped open a beer, grinning ear to ear. What a sight he was to behold. And although he fumbled with many of the women, there was no doubt in my overworking mind that they were drawn to him on some level. If he could have just cooled his jets, he would have perhaps been able to find one that he could have taken home at the end of the season.

Yet, that would not happen. And I think that many of us who stood around the fire on those nights knew. He asked me at the beginning of the season what my goals were. I said, "I am only here to make money." Perhaps time would tell that this was not fully true. I loved the social aspect of this place at first. For the first time, I felt that I was part of a little club—a family even (hence why this is on this blog)—where I belonged. As long-time readers know, the parental figures (managers) have the final say over who is a member of this family. During my time at the Lodge, I would see many of my friends get the axe. The world is a truly random place. You never really know when you will f*ck up.

Out in the world, though, people like Dom and I know one thing: You can say what you want, and managers have no power over you. Had Kalaloch Lodge been the only job in the world, then maybe they would have power over me. But now I can say and do what I want, and armed with knowledge of the law, especially tort law (which libel and slander are a part of), and since I was near the top of that class, I know exactly what line not to cross. In a sense, in the written world, I am unfuc*able with.

Yet, in 2024, I knew one thing that Dom didn't know. Keep your head down. Work hard. Be perfect. And out of momentary desperation, they will keep you around. In 2024, Kalaloch was at the height of desperation, and I truly think that's why Dom was not fired. Immediately after arriving, he ordered alcohol at the restaurant and refused to pay for it, claiming it was "wrong." Shortly after, he caused management to revise the rules on walkie-talkie etiquette. He left bonfires lit. He was banned from the kitchen for fighting with employees on multiple occasions. He stole premium "tap" root beer from the back after being told not to touch it. He drove recklessly with the carts. Yet, management seemed to give him more chances. In the end, more tales emerged. Women came forward with allegations of sexual harassment. Some of these I can confirm took place. It was also alleged that he was walking into guests' rooms in the hotel. At this point, management wanted to rid themselves of him and interviewed various people about their allegations.

Shower Fantasy Gone Wrong

Yet, the thing that was perhaps the most damning about this man was the fact that he walked in on a young woman who had just gotten out of the shower. The woman was one who worked as a hostess with me. After what appeared to be an ordinary day of work, I was told she had killed herself in her room. We were stunned. I don't know how she did it (it was one of the few things I didn't ask about). It was truly a shock and a horrific accident. I feel bad writing about it but feel that there is a place for her story to be told. I do not suggest this incident caused or led to her suicide, but the timing was truly bad.

While my roommate had a huge crush on him, the rest of the Lodge seemed to despise this man. I had added him to my Facebook account shortly after arriving at the Lodge. I thought he was strange and was warned by Elo (a manager) to "be careful" with him. I wrote about that in my journal. He seemed to like me a lot. He would follow me around at times, honk at me, and was overly friendly. I did not mind. I have always tried to be likable to a point. In the end, most people end up hating me. Perhaps that is my curse.

A Possible Sociopath? 

As I read the book Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight, I could not help but think that this man fit the definition of a sociopath. I can't say that I was immune from sociopath traits either. In the end, perhaps I can turn on and off my sociopath traits with ease. When burned (as I was at this place), I go full sociopath. This blog is a beautiful testament to that. It's my revenge blog in a sense, but so much more.

The Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R)

Developed by Dr. Robert Hare, the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) is a diagnostic tool used by psychologists, primarily in forensic settings, to assess psychopathy. It consists of 20 items, each scored on a scale of 0 to 2:

• 0 = Does not apply

• 1 = Applies somewhat

• 2 = Fully applies

A total score of 30 or above (out of 40) is typically considered indicative of psychopathy.

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Factor 1: Interpersonal and Affective Traits (Manipulative & Emotionally Detached)

• Glibness/Superficial Charm – Are they smooth, engaging, and persuasive?

• Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth – Do they have an inflated ego and a sense of superiority?

• Pathological Lying – Do they lie frequently, even without reason?

• Cunning/Manipulative – Do they use deception to exploit others?

• Lack of Remorse or Guilt – Do they feel no guilt for their harmful actions?

• Shallow Affect – Do they lack deep emotional responses?

• Callous/Lack of Empathy – Do they disregard the feelings and suffering of others?

• Failure to Accept Responsibility for Own Actions – Do they blame others or make excuses?

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Factor 2: Lifestyle and Antisocial Behavior (Impulsive & Irresponsible)

• Need for Stimulation/Proneness to Boredom – Do they seek constant excitement?

• Parasitic Lifestyle – Do they exploit others financially rather than work?

• Poor Behavioral Controls – Do they frequently lose their temper or act aggressively?

• Early Behavioral Problems – Did they have conduct issues as a child?

• Lack of Realistic, Long-Term Goals – Do they live impulsively without planning for the future?

• Impulsivity – Do they act without thinking?

• Irresponsibility – Do they fail to honor obligations (financial, work, family)?

• Juvenile Delinquency – Did they engage in criminal activity before age 18?

• Revocation of Conditional Release – Have they violated parole or probation?

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Independent Traits (Not Directly Linked to the Two Factors Above)

• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior – Do they have multiple casual or exploitative sexual relationships?

• Many Short-Term Marital Relationships – Have they had multiple failed marriages/relationships?

• Criminal Versatility – Have they committed a variety of crimes?

As someone who is highly interested in the lives of others (over half the books I read are memoirs), I did some digging on Dom. One of the things I found was his blog. He bragged about getting a DUI, was a person who lived "day by day," and traveled the world extensively. The truth is, we had a lot in common. I just happen to know how to integrate and blend in with society far better. Perhaps that was a result of my time spent in the religious and legal world. I also have never been convicted of a crime. That means no sex offender status or anything that Kalaloch can use against me. My record is pristine. This makes it all the more troubling to me that information regarding why I fell out of favor with management and was deemed unemployable remains unknown. But as I posted before: THOSE WHO CAN NOT ACCEPT THEMSELVES CAN'T ACCEPT OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps more striking was the reaction we both had when we were told we were not welcome back. Dom sent the General Manager many hateful emails and I created this blog. Let's just say that both of us don't react well to rejection. Of course, mine came from birth. I was rejected immediately in life by my mother who "could not love me" because of something that happened far before I was born and because of her own parents adoration of me. 

The Cataclysmic End

Dom was eventually fired and left the Lodge mostly quietly. I remember "hiding" from him, giving in to the rumors that he might be dangerous. The truth was, he wasn't. I ran into him shortly before he left, in our apartment of all places. He was friendly enough. The next day, he was pacing up and down the road and then went to live at a nearby campsite for a couple of days before heading back to his hometown.

Dom's blog and social media accounts outlined his desire to last a long time at Kalaloch and finally do something good. He had the desire, but his brain didn't allow it to happen. Research on impulsivity and self-sabotage suggests that individuals with poor impulse control often struggle to align their long-term goals with their immediate actions (Baumeister & Schmeichel, 2012). He was drawn to doing things as he wanted, without caring how others would view them. This aligns with studies on antisocial behavior, which indicate that individuals with high impulsivity and low conscientiousness often disregard social norms and consequences (Moffitt, 1993).

At times, it was as if he wanted to be fired, openly bragging about the places he had lost jobs at in the past. Self-destructive tendencies like these have been linked to a deep-seated fear of failure—or paradoxically, a fear of success (Burka & Yuen, 2008). A cruise ship captain he worked for told him to jump overboard—or so the story goes. Whether the story is exaggerated or not, it speaks to a pattern of interpersonal conflict often seen in individuals with difficulty regulating emotions and behavior (Linehan, 1993).

Either way, it is a sad thing to see someone ruin their chances in life. Maybe I say that because I've done that many times in my own life. I burn bridges too easily. A character defect, perhaps? Research on self-sabotage suggests that people who engage in this behavior often do so as a defense mechanism to avoid the pressure of success or to maintain a familiar state of struggle (Knapton, 2016). Maybe it's a fear of being too successful or getting too comfortable. Studies on impostor syndrome indicate that some individuals feel undeserving of stability and success, leading them to unconsciously undermine their own achievements (Clance & Imes, 1978).

In the end, the things we do, the things we are, how much we are liked, or how well we fit in matter not. We all pass away. Truly, all that matters are those around us today, those we love, and being decent people. If the worst thing I've ever done was telling my stories on a blog like this one, then that's better than many. But I know that deep down within us all is a monster clawing and raging...waiting to get out. In the end, those we look down upon are not so different than the things we fear that lurk inside of us. 

In short, you are no better than those you shun. 

V., Beacon of Sex and Sexuality of the Kalaloch Kitchen

Sex and kitchens go together like sliced bread and moist dripping butter. Mmmmmm. Today, as we inch closer to 2,000 views on this blog, I want to give you a treat that should have been reserved for my book on Kalaloch Lodge. While sex and kitchens are a fantasy for many, a commercial kitchen is not the place for a romp. Yet, in my naive state I imagined that the world was a lot more sanitary than it really is.

After working at Kalaloch, my eyes have been opened in ways that I never would have imagined. I have heard stories of sexcapades happening all over the kitchen and various storage rooms at the lodge, and I would imagine that this is a part of every lodge and many of the world's restaurants. It may not be something that the upper classes of society like to reflect on much as they eat their fish and chips or filet mignons, but those same people whose hands prepare such food are also preparing for something else.

We are highly sexual creatures. Humans love sex, there's no doubt about it. Sex happens everywhere, and Kalaloch Lodge oozed sexuality like nowhere else I've ever worked at. In fact, during my three years at Kalaloch Lodge I heard a lot of stories and saw a lot of sexual tensions rise and fall like the tides that took place just outside those big bay windows in the dining room. While the clean-cut customers sipped champagne and ate salmon oscars out front, the back was staffed by young people who were not just thinking about how to prep awesome sauce.

"We fu*ked in the dry storage room. The walk-in. In the soda room..." -V.

One employee who I was good friends with told me in explicit details her sexual escapades that took place at the Lodge. Sadly, I no longer have the exact text messages (I deleted everything we shared after we had a falling out). However, I heard many stories of what happened in her own words, and I feel that they are worth sharing here.

When I worked in law and in the realm of religion, I learned and believed that everything has a way of eventually coming out. Yes, many stories make themselves known in time. It's no secret that things happened. Like I said previously, in my naive state, I probably believed it was not so. After all, apart from at home, who has sex in a kitchen?!

The truth is, there is a thrill about having sex in places that are taboo. In a book I recently read "Paid For: My Journey Through Prostitution" by Rachel Moran, the author states that many were drawn to her when she was a child prostitute mainly because they got off on the taboo nature of it. Many want to engage in taboo sex merely because it's taboo. Humans are drawn to the forbidden. Things that are not supposed to be read or known are enticing. Dark secrets call us. Some take that to the absolute limits. I think kitchen sex falls in the middle somewhere. While nobody is getting hurt, it's not something that a diner likes to think about. Let me state this right now: I have never had sex at Kalaloch Lodge, and I maintain that these stories are not first-hand experiences.

V, as we shall call her, recounted an experience in which she had sex with a chef in the dry storage room. She stated that the thrill was something that drove her to do it. It was not something she was ashamed of at all. For many, such acts are thrilling and add "spice to life." I can't say I fully disagree with that. After all, I am only human.

Restaurant Stories From Around the Internet Tell the Same Story

For those who work in the back, restaurants be playgrounds of passion. One former server, who spent years in the industry, confessed, “I’ve had sex in every restaurant I’ve ever worked in. It started when I was 17.”

Late nights, closing shifts, and the adrenaline of the fast-paced environment create the perfect storm for secret encounters. “My boyfriend washed dishes, and when he was done and I finished vacuuming, we’d hit the lights and go at it, right there on the restaurant floor.” From kitchen counters to bar tops, no space was off-limits.

Another revelation: hierarchy plays a role. “In the office—MANY times—if I was seeing the owner or manager.” And it’s not just tucked-away rooms—some of the most unexpected locations included “on a pool table in front of the jukebox, the deck outside the kitchen, and even on picnic tables where people ate barbecue.”

For those who assume the occasional tipsy customer sneaking into a restroom is the extent of restaurant hookups, think again. “It happens a LOT.”

Reddit is full of such stories. A thread titled "What's the craziest thing you've seen in a restaurant kitchen?" led to dozens of responses, including:

• "A line cook and a hostess going at it behind the walk-in, mid-shift."

• "A manager had a literal roster of which servers he was sleeping with on which nights."

• "The pastry chef got fired because she was using the dough mixer as an, um, personal pleasure device."

Yet another person states: "I've screwed the crew and got away with it. I've screwed the crew and lost my job. Once (I'm pretty sure) I even lost a job because I didn't screw the manager."

A few more: We had a mgr who's lucky number was 14. He fu*ked waitresses on table 14, 4, 41 and 1. I am surprised he didn't fuck them twice on table 7. head chef caught banging a line cook on security camera the night he got dumped… was drinking at the bar when I went in for prep the next morning (aka his day off). Staff drinks were promptly cut that night for good lol.

Reddit is full of such stories. While these can not be verified, I trust what V. told me. She was wild, and she was not the only person who alluded to sex in the workplace. While I will never return to Kalaloch (manager's choice, not mine), it's safe for me to spill the beans so to speak.

Sexual Issues Being Repressed and Hidden Leads to More Abuse

I think back to my family and my wife's family. Both are extremely conservative with sexual matters (even though my mother drew cartoons for Hustler magazine at home time I was told). I think that my wife and her sisters had to figure all this stuff out on their own. I once made the mistake of saying "nipple" in front of my mother-in-law and was scolded and told it was "not a word that Christians say." It's funny how such parents have children who become porn and sex addicts. Repressing sex doesn't help anyone. 

I have posted previously how Kalaloch and other national park jobs tend to attract people who come from the fringes of society. Such people have a style of living that doesn't care about rules for the most part. The only rule is "don't get caught." The "here and now" is the playground for those who are breezing through life. And I can fully attest to the fact that sexual tensions ran high at Kalaloch. For example, one character told V. that she "oozed sexuality." A transgender friend of mine claims she was assaulted by a chef who wanted a blow job in his office. Another was a walking ball of horniness, searching Kalaloch for any woman who would have it. Rumor had it even walked into guest rooms in hopes of seeing them naked before being fired.

I don't know what Delaware North's (the parent company) policy on sexual harassment was. Like many companies, I imagine that they take it seriously to avoid legal repercussions. However, in the case of the walking ball of horniness, it took a long time for them to fire him. By that time, almost every woman at Kalaloch had complained about him, and some were afraid. Another friend of mine was assaulted by another male, but never made that known to management as far as I knew. Age boundaries were never off limits, as one very young server was often accosted by men far far older than her. To my disgust, this oftentimes took place right in front of me. 

As stated before on my blog, the problem for the Lodge is the fact that it exists far away from any major city and the employment pool they have to draw from is rather small (which baffles me that they did not want me to come back). Kalaloch depends on hiring people from out of the area, which brings problems of its own. Many times Kalaloch has no clue who they are getting. When they find someone, oftentimes it could be a person who has a history or propensity to be a huge liability to Kalaloch. With that said, I must have done something truly horrible to not be invited back. One day I hope to find out exactly what it was.

Getting back to V and her time in the Lodge, she had no problems with sharing her story. She was eventually fired for another reason, and to protect her privacy, I won't share what that was. She claims that she was unfairly fired. Like me, she felt sore about how it all came to an end. Perhaps that drove her to tell her story. 

Restaurants are often full of young people who are blossoming into their sexuality. Humans are driven by the need to reproduce. It feels good. It is a biological drive that few people can control. Those who repress it oftentimes have it come out in other ways. Sexual abuse to children is rife in churches for this reason. There has to be some outlet. Having sex on a food prep table may not be the correct outlet for it. Many people come from backgrounds of abuse and abuse brings its own problems. Those who are sexually abused in youth oftentimes become sex addicts and engage in risky sexual behavior.

Nowhere Is Safe From This Activity

A person reading this may say: "Ew, I won't ever go to Kalaloch Lodge for dinner again." Rather, you may not want to go to any restaurant ever again. I would not expect any restaurant to be safe from sexual activity in the back rooms and in the dining area after hours. In fact, there are thousands of stories online from brave souls who want to tell their own stories. Nor do I write this as a way to get revenge on the Lodge. I only write it as it is something that happens and I thought it would make an interesting post. Knowing what I know, I would still take my family to the Lodge to eat, as I would go to any restaurant. Do I think that the restaurants that I eat at here are free from sexual activity? At this point in life, no, not at all. It would be naive of me to think so! Having worked at the Lodge, I found it to be a clean restaurant (at least when I was there). It's health scores attest to that.

Yet behind every washcloth and bucket filled with sanitizer lies suds of seduction. I can't say that I never fantasized about making love in the dish pit. I can't say that I am immune to sexual desire. I can easily compartimentalize work and sexaulity. I feel that my fear of STDs as a young adult and my devotion to and satisfaction with my wife has helped me keep such urges in check. For those who are not as risk adverse or in monogamous relationships, sex is often just another conquest, a way to feel good. It is a drive. The hot kitchen, with its playful interaction between people of the opposite sex, and their small teasing glances, and the sight of customers dressed up seductive outfits can create a pit of desire that many can not easily escape. 

How Managers Try to Cope With The Issue and Abuse Their Power

Many times, a manager may fire someone who is caught doing the nasty in the kitchen. There are cameras all over the place, but that is not a deterrent. Yet, I would argue that the managers have often also done the same things. They just were not caught in the act. Management figures are just people with their own desires and hidden pasts. Oftentimes, those in power are often the worst perpetrators. It is hard to find top tier talent. Executive chefs don't just grow on trees. Hiring and grooming an executive chef to fit in with the restaurant's culture takes time. Kalaloch had a huge huge problem with keeping chefs. Two went bonkers out there. Others could not deal with the corporate rules and the tight leash. Sex was often an outlet to that kind of stress.  

Research suggests that men, particularly those in high-stress environments and leadership positions, often turn to sex as a coping mechanism. Stress and power dynamics can contribute to an increased drive for sexual release, sometimes manifesting in risk-taking behavior. A study by Lammers et al. (2011) found that individuals in positions of power exhibit higher levels of sexual impulsivity and entitlement, often seeking sex as a means of exerting control or relieving stress. Additionally, research by Stanton, Liening, and Schultheiss (2011) indicates that elevated cortisol and testosterone levels—both associated with stress and dominance—can heighten sexual desire and risk-taking behavior. Another study by Mark et al. (2018) highlights that men in high-pressure professions, such as politics and business (and of course restaurants), often engage in extramarital affairs and other forms of sexual escapism as a way to cope with occupational stress. These findings suggest that sexual behavior, for some men in leadership roles, can serve as both a physiological and psychological outlet for stress relief.

Men of power take advantage of that power. That is why it was easy to believe my transgender friend when she said that she had been accosted by the chef who visibly disliked her on the line. She was a source of his stress and paradoxically a possible remedy at the same time.

The Effect on Marginalized People 

Such marginalized people (transgenders, those from broken homes, minorities, etc.) often find themselves trapped in a web of abuse in seasonal work, where exploitation thrives due to job instability, lack of legal protections, and employer control over housing and wages. Many face discrimination that limits their employment options, pushing them into precarious jobs with little oversight. Studies have shown that migrant and seasonal workers, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds, are at heightened risk of wage theft, sexual harassment, and physical abuse (Fussell, 2011). Furthermore, fear of retaliation or deportation prevents many from reporting mistreatment, deepening the cycle of exploitation (Bernhardt et al., 2009). Without structural reforms and access to social support, these individuals remain vulnerable to predatory labor conditions that perpetuate their marginalization. 

Do I believe V? Of course I do! No questions asked. I believe that she used every part of the kitchen to live out her fantasy. I also think that her experience is just a little tiny dot in the human experience of having sex in restaurants all around the world. Learning second-hand of her experiences allowed me to think about the nexus of sexuality, abuse, and restaurants in far more detail.

As I saw Kalaloch as a type of family (in which I was cast out of), it would have been very hard for me to have had sex with anyone there, even if I was single. That was one thing that the management was safe from. Rather, now they get to wrestle with this issue in perpetuity. And whatever it was that I did still remains a mystery. This blog will continue to push the envelope in what I post. I have much more to reveal and I am excited to do so!

You may also like: Dishwasher "Feather" at Kalaloch Lodge: The Dishwashing Prodigy

Breaking Free from Family Toxicity: Why Social Media Makes It Worse

There is always that little part of me that thinks, "It would be good to go back to Facebook. It would be good to be connected with people. To relive the memories of the good times we have had (and there have been some). It would be good. Yes, I may do it."

Yesterday I thought about it and friended a few, and then a horrible—and I mean absolutely vile—feeling came over me. Just darkness. Pure darkness. Not the same darkness I had on my last trip to Spokane (when I became enraged and thought murderous thoughts). But it was a form of darkness nonetheless. And I decided to deactivate it.

I reactivated it later in the day as I remembered that's where I listen to "Brooke and Jubal in the Morning's Second Date Update." But the thought of going back on there to be social did not sit right with me. And I realized that now is not the time to do so. Returning to social media would be like stepping back into the mire that is my past—family drama, being watched and voyeured—and may even cause the "dark feelings" to emerge that I have been able to put away for the most part.

Psychological studies have shown that family trauma can have a profound effect on emotional regulation. According to research published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, unresolved childhood trauma can lead to heightened responses to stress, making even digital interactions feel like emotional landmines. Social media, with its curated narratives and passive aggression masked as connection, often exacerbates these unresolved wounds, re-triggering emotions buried under years of self-preservation.

Every Person Has a Breaking Point

When it comes to abuse, every person has a breaking point. We read stories all the time of people who just "go insane" and do the unspeakable. On my last trip to Spokane, I caught a glimpse of this in me, and it made me feel inhuman in some ways. That's the moment I knew beyond any doubt that I could never again converse with my family. Instead, I have taken to this blog, writing out my thoughts and feelings of a lifetime of abuse and family toxicity. It has helped. But there's another side, too. It rekindles those feelings that came with such dark periods.

Recent psychological literature suggests that rage and dissociation are common reactions to prolonged exposure to family-induced trauma. A study in the American Journal of Psychiatry found that individuals who experience chronic emotional abuse often develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as emotional detachment or outbursts of anger, as a means of self-defense. When old wounds are reopened, the brain responds as if the trauma is happening in real-time, triggering the same fight-or-flight mechanisms that were first activated years ago.

Long-term exposure to family dysfunction has also been linked to conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD. According to research published in Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, individuals who suffer repeated cycles of psychological manipulation and neglect may develop intrusive thoughts and heightened anxiety when confronted with familial triggers. The mere thought of returning to a toxic environment—whether in person or digitally—can elicit a stress response comparable to reliving the trauma itself.

Recently, I read a book called Jesus Land. It was about the life of a young woman and her African American adopted brother who were beaten and mentally abused by a deeply conservative Christian family. They eventually were shipped away to live at a boarding school (prison) in the Dominican Republic. At first, the young woman and all the "level 0s" had to ask permission to even move, lift a fork, take a bite, walk in a room, etc. It got better over time as they leveled up. Eventually, they could wear makeup, have some autonomy, and even talk to other people of the opposite sex. I also read another book about a former prostitute in Ireland who recounted her childhood abuse and leaving home at 15 to become a prostitute. Both of these women recalled how writing these books brought back intense pain. I also feel it when I write some of my blog entries. Writing about Spokane and family is not an easy thing for me. It brings back a sense of rage mixed with sadness and anger that is hard to describe. I have been learning ways to cope with this or to "prepare" myself for writing and not focusing on it. One way is by divorcing myself from that, almost thinking of myself as a separate person.

Psychologists suggest that journaling and expressive writing can serve as an essential tool for processing past trauma. According to research in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, individuals who write about their emotions tend to exhibit lower levels of distress over time. However, re-experiencing traumatic memories through writing can also lead to temporary emotional distress, reinforcing the importance of balancing reflection with self-care strategies such as mindfulness and grounding techniques.

Now Is Not A Good Time To Go Back

Now is not a good time to go back to Facebook. A recent post I wrote on here talks about how "I wished things would change, but they never did, and never could." Every time I would go back to the den of family, I was reminded of how time stood still. Perhaps that is the problem with living in the same place all your life or congregating with other family members who refuse to be better. To go back to Facebook is to put myself back in that world—a world I spent so much time and effort escaping. There is no place of abuse worse to me in this whole world than that place.

Social media often acts as a digital mirror, reflecting unresolved conflicts and reinforcing unhealthy patterns. A study in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking journal found that prolonged exposure to social media can increase symptoms of depression and anxiety, particularly for individuals with histories of familial conflict. The curated nature of online personas can distort reality, making one feel trapped in a past they have worked hard to escape.

Another troubling aspect of social media is the passive-aggressive behavior that often goes unchecked. Family members who refuse to communicate directly may instead resort to vague, cryptic posts or backhanded comments, creating an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Studies have shown that this kind of online hostility can lead to increased stress and even physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, and fatigue. From my personal also can lead to negative feelings about individuals and a need to separate and withdraw and isolate from many people. Yes, there are times that "innocent people" get caught up in my isolation. 

When being around others brings out dark feelings, it's best to avoid those relationships altogether. That is not my world. I am better off letting it rest in the past and figuring out how to deal with it when the time comes. Every person has a breaking point. Every person must walk away at some point and say, "I'm done." While my sisters never could understand why I left my family, the truth is, it would have done no good for anyone for me to remain. When I saw my youngest sister lash out at me with words to create guilt, I knew there was nothing left for me. 

One Doesn't Just "Let Go"

People will tell me "just let go." "Grow Up!" "Move on!" Everyone has their own timeline for letting go. It is a process, and healing is nonlinear. It is not as simple as moving on from one incident. This is a series of incidents by hurtful people that has been a life-long problem with all the associated guilt and shame that attends it. But by stepping away from toxic relationships—both in person and online—we can reclaim our power. The best thing I can do is focus on my future, build my own happiness, and refuse to let the past define who I am today. 

A couple posts from Reddit say it well:

"People say 'just move on,' like it’s that simple. But when the same people who hurt you keep acting like nothing happened, it’s hard to pretend everything is fine. I’m not holding a grudge—I’m holding boundaries."

"It’s wild how the ones who hurt you the most will tell you to ‘get over it’ the fastest. Healing takes time, and I refuse to be rushed just because it makes others uncomfortable."

Dishwasher "Feather" at Kalaloch Lodge: The Dishwashing Prodigy

Now that I have let go of Kalaloch Lodge, my employment there, and the disaster that it was, I want to focus on something new. I did email my supervisor once again (she blocked me), and I apologize for bothering her, but I wanted to know what went wrong. I have not gotten a reply, and that's fine. I understand her need to be distant from me. I recently wrote a story about Kalaloch Lodge and how I believe everything went down. I don't think it is too far removed from what happened. For some reason, people would rather ignore others instead of helping them understand. Maybe she's too busy. Maybe she doesn't understand it either. Maybe it's a mystery of the ages. It's time to let go.

But before I do, I remembered the name of my contemporary who threw dishes. His name was Feather. Okay, that was not his real name, but that was what everyone called him. I think it was Mike or Michael. I forget, though. Honestly, I forget his real name. The guy was a dishwashing prodigy. He also trained me in a lot of what I learned during my second year (the beautiful year). Now, I have started to write a book about my time at the lodge, but I may just post everything here and make this blog a little bit about it. The Lodge was such a big part of my last three years, especially the last two. Someone on Reddit said that there is not much available online about Kalaloch Lodge, and let me tell you, Reddit guy—that's changing right here, right now. Kalaloch Lodge is on the internet map, baby, and I'm making it happen!

Kitchens Can Be a Stressful Place!

People who work in high-stress environments often experience emotional breakdowns, which can manifest as sudden outbursts, anxiety, or burnout. Studies in occupational psychology have found that prolonged exposure to high-pressure workplaces, such as restaurant kitchens, can lead to psychological distress and even symptoms of PTSD (van der Kolk, 2014). A study published in The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that restaurant workers frequently experience chronic stress due to demanding workloads, unpredictable schedules, and intense interpersonal conflicts (Smith & Klein, 2017). This aligns with research by Maslach & Leiter (2016), who argue that emotional exhaustion and depersonalization are key symptoms of occupational burnout, especially in high-intensity fields like food service.

In fast-paced kitchens, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline can spike significantly, leading to a heightened "fight-or-flight" response (Johnson et al., 2019). This not only increases the likelihood of emotional outbursts or breakdowns but also contributes to long-term mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. The late chef Anthony Bourdain once remarked, "Cooking is a craft, I like to think, and a good cook is a craftsman—not an artist. But in the heat of service, the job can feel like warfare, and some don’t make it out unscathed." This sentiment reflects the reality for many kitchen workers who find themselves overwhelmed by the relentless pressure of the job.

Numerous accounts from Reddit’s r/KitchenConfidential and r/TalesFromYourServer communities highlight how kitchen stress can lead to severe mental health struggles. One user shared how their head chef would scream at staff for minor mistakes, leading to panic attacks and eventually forcing them to quit. Another user described an incident where a line cook collapsed from exhaustion after working a 14-hour shift with no break, yet management still expected them to return the next day. Such experiences underscore the intense, often unsustainable demands placed on kitchen employees. Luckily for me, I never once was in the crosshairs of a chef's ire. I found that the chefs at Kalaloch were always kind to me. But, my coworkers told far different stories. 

This could explain why individuals like Feather, who otherwise appeared composed and capable, suddenly snapped under pressure. The relentless intensity of the kitchen environment, coupled with high expectations and limited emotional support, creates a psychological time bomb. As psychologist Robert Sapolsky notes in Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, “Chronic stress isn’t just unpleasant—it’s literally toxic to the brain.” In high-stakes kitchens, this toxicity manifests in sudden emotional breakdowns, burnout, and even long-term trauma, making mental health support in the restaurant industry more crucial than ever.

Feather's Tragic End

Anyway, Feather was an outgoing person. He got along pretty well with everyone, and damn, he was fast! He knew his way around the dish pit like no other. Now, I didn't get to know him too well. At that time, I chose to be in the dish pit because I wanted to be left alone and didn't want to be social. And for the most part, Feather seemed to get that. He would talk to those on the line, and I was good with that. He also would go off and do prep while doing dishes. Legend.

Well, something went wrong one day, and I was not there for it. Kalaloch Lodge legend states that Feather got upset and started to throw dishes. He just went haywire. Bonkers. Loony. There is something about that place that makes people go crazy! I don't know what it is, but Feather went nuts! I heard he just let loose and was throwing dishes...

One eyewitness restates it best:

"Feather went crazy. Something set him off. Things set him off before, but this time we knew there was no reasoning. He started launching dishes—plates, pans, spoons, forks. The noise level was insane. He was bouncing around like a gorilla. Screaming. Cussing. Spit and phlegm flying around... I can't say I was surprised. But I was. You know what I mean. You just don't expect to see that at work."

Another states:

"You don't expect to have to fear for your life at work, but Feather was just another in a long line of lunatics that just lost it working in the kitchen. I don't know what it is about this kind of job that attracts such people, but this was par for the course. We've already lost chefs and others, but this dishwasher went all out. I honestly was fearing for my life. I mean, what if he took a knife and threw it? Thank God that there was a no-knives-in-the-dishpit rule!"

This kind of extreme reaction isn’t just a random occurrence—it’s something that psychologists have studied in high-pressure work environments. A study published in The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology (Grandey, Dickter, & Sin, 2004) found that employees who suppress their emotions in customer service or fast-paced jobs experience a phenomenon known as “emotional labor strain.” When workers must constantly control their emotions while facing relentless stress, it can result in emotional exhaustion, aggression, or even sudden violent outbursts. Another study in Aggressive Behavior (2018) found that unpredictable and high-stakes environments, like kitchens, are breeding grounds for workplace aggression, especially when combined with poor management and a lack of support systems.

Reddit’s r/KitchenConfidential is full of horror stories that echo this experience. One post described how a line cook, pushed to his breaking point by a verbally abusive chef, hurled a pan full of boiling oil across the kitchen before storming out. Another post told of a dishwasher who snapped mid-shift, smashing plates against the wall and threatening to stab a coworker, only to be restrained by the rest of the staff until security arrived. One commenter put it bluntly: "The kitchen is just a pressure cooker for mental breakdowns. Mix heat, stress, exhaustion, and bad management, and you get explosions."

The cycle seems inevitable—workers endure grueling conditions until they either quit, burn out, or explode. Some lash out violently, while others simply disappear without a word. Feather’s breakdown wasn’t an isolated incident, just another entry in a long list of kitchen casualties. And while it might be easy to write them off as “lunatics,” the truth is, the system itself is broken. The question isn’t why it happens, but when it’ll happen next.

Now, let me say this. I never had a problem at all with Feather. I thought he was a nice enough guy. He helped me get to where I was. He taught and trained me, and I appreciate him for that. He was always cordial. Who knows, maybe the truth was exaggerated. Kalaloch Lodge is in the middle of nowhere, and it's gossip that fuels a lot of the entertainment. Maybe the Feather legend is truly just a legend. I wonder, though: What do they say of me?

Why Managers Grow Distant With Former Employees

Supervisors or managers may choose not to inform employees why they are welcome back or why their requests for more information are ignored for several reasons. This is often rooted in managerial psychology and workplace dynamics. I really do think part of it is conflict avoidance. I think that they would rather sidestep uncomfortable conversations rather than risk confrontation, especially since this is a high-turnover industry. A study published in The International Journal of Conflict Management (Tjosvold, 2008) found that managers often avoid direct communication about reemployment decisions to maintain authority, prevent legal liability, or simply because they lack the emotional intelligence to handle difficult discussions. Additionally, the power dynamics of uncertainty play a role. Research in The Journal of Organizational Behavior (Bordia et al., 2004) suggests that withholding information can be a strategic move to reinforce hierarchical control, keeping employees in a state of dependency and discouraging further pushback. In some cases, managers may not even have a clear answer themselves—decisions about rehiring or rejection are sometimes arbitrary, influenced by unseen factors like internal politics or budget constraints. Lastly, ignoring requests for more details can serve as an implicit way of signaling disinterest, as ghosting has been increasingly recognized as a managerial tactic to disengage from employees without direct confrontation (Academy of Management Journal, 2020). For workers seeking clarity, this lack of transparency can be deeply frustrating, but for managers, it is often a calculated—if ethically questionable—decision.

Yet, then again perhaps one day I'll find out. I tend to have a way of uncovering information...

What is Housing Like at Kalaloch Lodge? / Seasonal Work in Olympic National Park

I was on Reddit the other day looking up seasonal National Park work. I was curious about how it works. I have only worked in Olympic National Park, at Kalaloch Lodge. I had come into contact with other employees who had worked all over the country—some in Alaska, Montana, and Yosemite. Many of Kalaloch's management came from the Grand Canyon. I've been emailing the Grand Canyon pretty often, trying to find work there, but I have a feeling that they don't really want me. I believe that persistence pays off, however. We will see.

There were a couple of posts on Reddit asking about what housing is like at Kalaloch. I remember asking someone about it during my first year there, and he said it wasn't bad. At the time I started, I lived in the nearby town of Queets. I actually applied to work at Kalaloch because I wanted a part time job to make some extra money. Well, it didn't turn out that way. I never imagined that Kalaloch Lodge would become such a huge part of my life!

When I asked about housing, the morning supervisor mentioned that Kalaloch Lodge had better housing than Alaska and many of the other places he had been to. He also lived in couple’s housing, which is more private than the dormlike housing that the single employees live in. I talked to some of the others over time, and they had mixed reviews about the housing. When I moved in, I was surprised at how nice it was. I guess I have lived in some pretty nasty places in my life, and I probably expected the worst. But it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I found the place to be kind of cute overall. I lived with three decently clean roommates. One was my morning shift supervisor, and it was sometimes difficult to get the shower, as all four of us got up in the morning and showered every day. That was probably the worst thing about it.

The housing at Kalaloch Lodge is not far from the rest of the lodge. It's across the highway and tucked away in a wooded area. This makes for a super easy commute, which is always a plus. There are a few cabins, each with three floors. On the bottom level are the couple’s and management housing, and on the top of two of the cabins is where the regular employees live.

Inside, there is a downstairs common area, kitchen, and bathroom, while the upstairs is a big room with four beds. Privacy varies depending on how you set it all up. My bed was the leftover one, located right next to the stairs. There was no privacy, and I didn't hang up a curtain (some people do). I had space for a dresser, and that was about it. Those who had been there longer had their areas set up quite nicely, with privacy curtains, tables, shelves, lamps, and other personal touches. Since I was only there for about 4–5 months, I didn't bother spending a lot of money to make it homey. I think if I was staying there longer, I could have made it a bit nicer, and once my other roommates left (they were from Mexico), I would have been able to get a more tucked away part of the room with a lot more privacy and space. 

Taking the Bus to Nearby Towns and Around the Park

At the time, there was no internet in housing, and I did not spend much time there. I only came to sleep. I didn't cook at all during my time at Kalaloch Lodge. Our kitchen was a pretty busy place, and I didn't want to get in the way. I usually ate my free shift meal and ordered reduced-price food. I ate a lot of outside food, but the way I did it saved me money compared to buying groceries. I also didn't have much space to keep food, which was another reason I didn’t bother cooking.

If you want to get away for a while, there is a bus that runs only a few times a day south toward Amanda Park (another bus will take you to Aberdeen, and yes, it's possible to go all the way to Seattle if you wish) and north to Forks. Another bus will take you to Port Angeles. I've taken buses in both directions to Seattle and back multiple times. This trip takes a whole day with stops and transfers. Port Angeles and Forks are pretty good places to spend time. Both have nice libraries, coffee shops, and interesting sights. They also have restaurants, though I’ve only eaten at the ones in Port Angeles. You can also take a bus to Sequim for a few hours if you have the day off. Sequim has bookstores, a Costco, and many shops and is easily walkable. It’s about half an hour from Port Angeles. On my days off, I often went to Port Angeles, where I had plenty of time to explore. There are a couple of nice bookstores there as well.

Many parts of the park require a car to get to. I have listed places that you can get to via bus:

•Amanda Park and South Shore Lake Quinault
•Aberdeen and points east to Olympia, Tacoma, and onward to Seattle
•Lake Crescent, Storm King, and Lake Crescent Lodge
•Forks, La Push, Port Angeles, Sequim, Port Townsend and points east towards Bainbridge Island and Seattle
•If you have a National Park pass, you can go to Hurricane Ridge via bus.

If you want to go to the Enchanted Valley, Sol Duc, the far side of Lake Quinault or many of the trails that are more remote, you will need a car. 

There is also the campsite and nearby beaches that provide lovely walks in nature that can be had anytime. Writing this makes me miss the place quite a bit. 

Many people do have their own cars. I was one of the few who chose not to. I did have a car parked in Queets, but I didn't want to spend money on gas and upkeep, so I kept it there. A few of the long-time employees chose not to drive as well.  And of course, there are always those from other countries and folks who lost their license for various reasons (such as a DUI). 

The Transient Nature of Seasonal Work

Due to the transient nature of seasonal work, you meet a lot of interesting people at Kalaloch Lodge. This is the nature of the job. Strangely, seasonal work is looked down upon by many who see it as "temporary." Some perceive seasonal workers as "running away" from something. I understand that perspective. I left home right at adulthood, and if I could do it again, I would have left earlier. I wish I had known about this type of seasonal work as a young adult. Instead, I went to college, then university, then law school. But if I could do it over again, I think I would have gone straight into seasonal work, taking jobs at various national parks, saving money, and building a career from it.

My own life has been highly transient. While my employers have generally spoken well of me (though I could have done better here) I have never been able to sit still for long. I grow bored easily and move on. I also grow weary of relationships, withdrawing and eventually resenting people. I reach a point where I avoid social interactions and feel disconnected. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism—a way to make it easier for me to leave rather than getting too attached and staying. As psychologist John Bowlby theorized in his work on attachment, "individuals who experience unstable attachments may develop an internal working model that predisposes them to avoid deep emotional connections" (Bowlby, 1988).

I imagine that I will one day work at another national park. Now that I have a family, it’s harder to find a place with family housing that accepts children. That’s why I pushed so hard to work at the Grand Canyon. Kalaloch Lodge does not accept children, even though I asked for this policy to be changed. They said they could not but did not explain why. I think I understand their reasoning, though.

The Negatives About Kalaloch Lodge

My bed in the Kalaloch Lodge employee housing

Bonfires on the beach were common.

The main downside to Kalaloch Lodge is its isolation. It is located far from any town, on a windswept part of the Washington Coast. Dense forest shrouds the hills, making it too thick to explore. Therefore, your world consists of the beach, the lodge, and the places along the highway. While the beaches are beautiful, many people get restless here. Getting out only really is worth it on one's day off. A day trip to Port Angeles is really a day trip. If you want to go to Forks, you'll have either half an hour or closer to three and a half depending on the bus timing. There is a health club with a pool in Forks and many of my coworkers took advantage of that. There is also a library, bowling alley, and a couple parks that are nice to relax in when it's not raining. I also enjoyed going there for iced coffee drinks, which I found myself addicted to. Speaking of which...

Another downside is the prevalence of addiction. While substance abuse exists everywhere, I felt it was more visible here. When people have homes to return to, they can hide their addictions. At Kalaloch, it is out in the open. Alcoholism and drug use are problems. Some engage in youthful experimentation, but others use substances out of boredom or depression. Studies have shown that isolation can increase the likelihood of substance abuse, as loneliness and lack of social support are major risk factors (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Depression is also an issue. One of my fellow employees committed suicide right after her shift. I would have never guessed she was depressed. I can’t say that I wasn’t, though—I probably hid it well myself. One look at my journal would have revealed that. 

I do not say this to be judgemental. I am truly grateful that I do not battle the addictions that many face, and I can't imagine what a hell it is for some people to try to rid themselves of that. And that is not to say that I am not addicted to certain things. I believe that everyone has a propensity to addiction in some form. I know that I do, and that's why I have been extremely careful to avoid certain substances and activities. I know it could ruin me perhaps faster than others. 

The Diversity of People at Kalaloch Lodge

Kalaloch attracts a diverse mix of people. I actually found this aspect interesting and considered it a massive benefit of working there, but it also caused some conflicts as well. The Forks area is one of Washington State’s conservative strongholds, where the Trumpism is widespread. While Forks is socially conservative, Kalaloch Lodge has a much more progressive atmosphere. Many of my fellow employees identified as a gender different from their birth, and all sexual orientations were represented. This created an interesting dynamic. Seasonal work also attracts people who struggle to integrate into mainstream society, leading to high tensions at times. As psychologist Erik Erikson noted, "identity formation is a lifelong process, particularly influenced by one's environment and social experiences" (Erikson, 1968). I personally enjoyed the diversity, having lived in multicultural places around the world. However, many were not mature enough to handle it. Still, I believe this dynamic is common in seasonal work and one of its biggest draws for me.

My view every morning

Now, you might be wondering why I posted this on a "Family Dysfunction" blog. Good question. I wanted to shed light on the dynamics of this place, which, in a way, functions like a big dysfunctional family. Seasonal work and family dysfunction go together like bread and butter. Many people enter seasonal work to escape truly awful family situations. I also thought this resource might help those looking for information about life and work at Kalaloch Lodge.

It's Truly Time to Let Go Of Aspects of the Past

Today I was reading a book on psychology and it talked about holding grudges. I thought about if my feelings towards Kalaloch amounted to a grudge (and they may have). I also reflected deeply on this matter as I went out on a walk with my wife and daughter. I have decided that my life is to take a big turn and that to focus on this aspect of my life is non-essential at this point. I think that I have said enough, perhaps beaten a dead horse even. 

The truth is, I have distanced myself in many ways from that place. It was one reason I have left various social media sites. I have blocked many from my life that I once worked with. I have been outspoken in the fact that I saw it a place I could never fit in to. And now it's time to let go and breathe. It's time to let go and move on.

It's hard to move on. It's a courageous thing to move on. 

When I made this blog, it was to be about family abuse and trauma. I have a million things I could write about with my own family. But now I also want to forget them forever. Truthfully, I no longer want to pretend they exist or to stoke those flames any more. I have held on when I should have let go. They let go of me, and now it's my turn. 

I release Cindy Kathleen Coonse-Phal, my mother. May her memory no longer find any place in my mind.
I release my two sisters. May I forget them and they live a happy life. 
I release my father. He was an innocent but he failed to stop the rising tide. I release him.

I release my cousins, aunts, uncles, and the residue of that family. May they go on and find happiness. They deserve it. 

I release the Lodge. May it thrive until the ground gives way and it falls into the sea. The land will one day reclaim it, and it shall be forgotten except for a plaque on the side of the road and stories that rangers tell about a "lodge that long ago sat in this area that nature took back."

I release the memory of all the people who I thought were my friends but who were just phantoms of my imagination. Life takes many turns. Sometimes what was once seen as good becomes ugly. What a lesson this has been.

I shall now focus on my future. Finding work, and rebuilding my reputation with those who I do love in the here and now. 

If anything, it was the feeling of worthlessness that brought me such sadness. Just because some can not see your worth does not mean that you are worth nothing.