Being Careful About Sharing Too Much With Family

I have made a mistake in the past that I will not repeat again. I overshared too much of my life. I was not careful. I made a show of what I was up to, what I had accomplished, and where I had traveled. Somewhere, I must have missed that this comes with a danger attached. You see, when you do things in life, you stir up envy among people. Those who feel that envy most acutely are family.

Oftentimes, we can't help what we feel. Feelings come from somewhere. They may come from unrealized dreams, insecurities, or a desire to prove oneself. In the sphere of families, these feelings are more pronounced because if we see one sibling, child, or in-law doing something we can't, many seethe inside. We want to be able to accomplish all of our dreams.

Yet, people accomplish different things in life according to what they value. A person who puts value on creating and building good relationships will likely find them. Those who value freedom and exploration will put their efforts into that. Those who desire to build a career will make it happen. Sometimes we can't mix those things too well. For example, freedom comes at the cost of a career. And relationships with others often come at the cost of relationships with family.

I have learned that I will never again share my travels or accomplishments in places where I am seen or may be seen by family members. I no longer share my travels on Facebook. I realize just how damaging this was over the years. This caused irreparable damage with both family and close friends, and I sincerely regret the cost. I have learned to be more discerning with other forms of social media. Thank God for the block feature!

Family and Close Friends Do Not Want to See How Different You Are

Making a show of your differences is not something that family members and even close friends appreciate. They don't want to see you in a way that is different. Rather, they want you to appear similar to them. Accomplishments and experiences cut away at such relationships. It isolates people. It isolates those who talk about their accomplishments (keep these secret), and it also isolates those who are envious.

Envy is a natural emotion. We often talk about it as a negative thing, but it sends a sign of what we truly desire in life. Envy is merely a signal of what our brains wish we had. Sadly, we can't all accomplish what we want in life. Yet, in the end, does it even matter? I think about my late father-in-law and how vocal he was about ideas, yet, in the end, we all just pass away. Experiences do not matter. Careers do not matter. Relationships matter. For me to show off what little I did in this life got in the way of many of those relationships. For that, I am truly sorry.

Your Family May Never Accept You No Matter What You Do

Some families never accept their children. As a child, I was constantly compared to every other child out there. Even though I did not get into legal trouble, smoke, party, or do any of that, I was always not as good as the other children. Funny how that separates people, isn't it? I used to hope that I would be accepted for who I was. I was once told that I would never go to college and was wasting my time thinking about it and planning for it. Three degrees later, I have never heard a word about it. I learned that people who hate you will always find a reason to hate you. Not all parents are capable of loving their children. Not all siblings are capable of appreciating people who live differently.

My siblings may hate this blog. They may be mad that I am speaking out finally after years. I wanted to write an entry about writing a shadow journal. In a sense, I feel that this is my space to share my true thoughts with the world. While I will never again show my travels on Facebook, and I will never again allow family and close friends access to my other social media pages, I will share these thoughts because they need to get out.

One day, you realize that some relationships are hopeless. People don't always get along, and some people chafe in the presence of others of a certain type. Sometimes it's therapeutic to say it like it is because we can't go on pretending like everything is okay all the time.

People Only Love You When You Do Interesting Things

I am now in India, and posts may be coming a bit slower to this blog. That said, I don’t want it to come to an end, and I am going to keep posting here. This blog is incredibly therapeutic for me. It represents the things I wanted to say for years before I let go of the fantasy that, one day, if I hid my thoughts, maybe things would be different with my family. This blog represents waking up, letting go, and realizing that things don’t change. It’s now 2025, and nothing has changed. In fact, looking at everything as a whole from my last trip to Spokane, I think things have gotten far worse.

Now that I’m in India, I feel that I am more noticed by family, friends, and others. It’s an interesting paradox how family and others suddenly take notice of us when we do something unique, different, or out of the ordinary. It’s strange to me that once someone goes back to their normal life, they mean nothing. I think I saw that when I went back to Spokane. When I’m around my family, I am nobody. When I am in some new place doing new things, I am suddenly a person of worth. But that realization does something to one’s self-worth. It tells a person that they are only worth something when they are away or doing something extraordinary.

I realized that I am not worth anything just for who I am. That is the message I have received since I was a child, and it is reinforced every time I do anything with my life. I believe that’s one reason why those of us who see this pattern become lethargic in life. Yet, it’s also why some people become overachievers. We want to be seen, loved, and accepted because we know we won’t be if we don’t do something extraordinary. Strangely, some people are held back from doing much with their lives because they fear they won’t be accepted if they stand out. I have experienced both extremes at various times. The end result is this: no matter what you do in life, there will always be people who don’t accept you — and the most vocal critics, the ones who accept you the least, are often your family.

I realize now that I have put too much of my self-worth in the hands of others all these years. It’s not anyone else’s place to change how we see ourselves. The fact is, everyone is busy with their own lives, dealing with their own struggles, and battling their own feelings of inadequacy. Sitting in traffic in Delhi, I thought about how I was surrounded by millions of people. All of them are fighting the same battles I face. I am not unique in this way. What would be more unique is to climb out of those thoughts and realize that what other people think of me does not matter.

When I think back to my family, I am reminded every time I visit them that I could never live there. It puts me in a place of deep, lasting depression. I also realize that I can’t control others or what they think of me. They are always going to think of me the same way. I can’t cling to hope that things will change. I can’t change anyone except myself. I can’t expect anything to ever be different. All I can do is protect myself from such thoughts and feelings by making my own life an oasis in a desert of insanity.

I do not travel to new places to please other people. I do this only for myself. What bothers me more is seeing that others focus on my life only when I do these things. Maybe that’s an issue with social media as a whole. I don’t want my family to see my life. I don’t want them to have any idea what I am doing with my life. It’s not healthy to share your life with people who bring you down.

What is healthy, however, is writing about your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Create a shadow journal and be completely open and honest about how you feel. I have found this exercise to be incredibly helpful in life. Life is messy, and sometimes you have to let out your so-called “dark side” in some way.

Abusive Families Don't Let Go: Spying, Watching, Observing, and Obsessing

After years of mental turmoil, many people begin to see patterns in their lives and realize it’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. Trying over and over again, hoping for different results, never works. Years pass, and nothing changes. It becomes depressing, distressing, and physically exhausting. One day, drowning in tears, you realize, “Something must be done.” It’s time to cut the cord.

There was a time when moving to another state, country, or across the world would mean the end of communication. It wasn’t easy to spy on or keep tabs on someone who lived far away. Yet, in the age of social media, it’s all too easy. Blocking someone doesn’t necessarily stop them — they can create fake profiles to watch your life from a distance. A popular meme says, “Nobody watches you as closely as your haters do.” Unfortunately, I know this to be true.

A few years ago, I noticed someone I didn’t recognize had liked a post of mine on Facebook. The profile seemed strange, with a “fantasy” aesthetic. As I looked closer, I saw they followed some pages related to Spokane and had interests suspiciously similar to my mother’s. The writing style in their posts gave them away. When I confronted this person, they admitted it was an accident — it was my mother using a fake profile. Although she was no longer part of my life, she said she had “a right to see her granddaughter growing up.”

I disagreed. She did not have that right. She lost the right to be part of my life when she told me she wasn’t interested in maintaining a relationship, and I told her I didn’t want one either. At the time, my social media page was public, so technically, she had the right to look. If she didn’t, I would’ve made it private — and now it is.

Abusive family members often go to great lengths to keep tabs on the people they’ve hurt. They want to see if their victim is suffering. To me, this behavior is deeply unhealthy. I don’t look at my family members’ profiles because it’s too painful. Leaving them behind hurt enough — revisiting those memories would only make things worse. I don’t find joy in seeing others in pain or reliving what could’ve been. My mother, however, has always engaged in actions that seem to cause her pain, almost as if she believes it makes her a better person. It doesn’t.

You might think I hate my mother. I don’t. I don’t wish her harm or negative consequences for what she’s done. I don’t think about her much at all. When she came up during my last trip to Spokane, it caught me off guard. I avoid the subject as much as possible and can go weeks without thinking about her. I’d rather forget she exists because we simply don’t coexist well. When my father brought her up, I was floored. When I learned my sister had moved in with her, I shuddered. My mom isn’t a bad person, but she was abusive to me. For that reason, I don’t want or need her in my life.

I don’t see any point in making an exception just because I have a child. When my child is an adult, she can decide for herself if she wants to have a relationship with her grandmother.

When you block someone and cut them out of your life, you have to stop spying on them. You have to stop obsessing. You have to let go and move on. It’s hard to accept that someone you care about doesn’t want to be part of your life. It hurts. But as years pass, parts of families drift apart, and clinging to an idea of what could have been only brings more pain.

I’m not a Buddhist, but I agree with the idea that attachment to things or ideals often leads to suffering. My family’s attachment to the idea of watching my life from a distance is causing them pain. If they’re reading this, they need to let go and move on. If they’re trying to spy on my social media, they need to stop. They need to accept that I’m no longer part of their lives.

Setting boundaries is crucial but challenging. You will likely face resistance and pushback. When I set boundaries with my family, they were immediately challenged. Family members were enraged at the idea that I would dare to enforce boundaries. But these boundaries were necessary for my sanity and well-being. You don’t owe anyone — even family — anything that compromises your mental health or peace of mind.

The Problem With Looking for Psychological Healing From Family

I realize that at times I have been a bit scatterbrained about my true desires in life. Sometimes I think I want one thing but then realize that it would mean a huge change in the life I have. I have learned to be content with how things are, understanding that nobody gets the life they imagined they would have. I asked myself the other day, after listening to Mind Magic, an audiobook by James R. Doty, MD, what it is that I truly want in life. I realized that in order to have what I want, I must first know what it is.

What is it that I want? I think there was a time when I craved acceptance. But what was that? What did it look like? What did it mean? Was it something I could have on my own, or did it require changing how others think? I can't change how other people think. I can only change how I think. I believe what I want is contentment in the fact that I am not accepted.

Secondly, I realized that I want the ability to be myself, to speak my mind, and to not worry about others abandoning me if I do. I know that people have abandoned me in life. I have abandoned others as well. That's just how life is. We gain and lose friendships as time passes. Very few people stick with us forever. I appreciate all who do, even though I am not always good at expressing that.

Recently, my wife had a run-in with one of her sisters. Her sister was angry at my wife for not giving her enough attention. My wife is a busy person. People in her family act like she's not, and it bothers her. I have heard all kinds of things about this sister, but like most of my in-laws, I don't know her that well. I have chosen to remain distant. I love them, but I am wary of family after the events of the past few years.

However, I realized that I need to look deeper into this person. What does she crave? What is going on in her mind? What is causing her to lash out? I can't fault her for lashing out. As much as we all pretend to be above it, we all do it. Everyone lashes out from time to time—it’s a way of saying, "Something is wrong." Lashing out doesn't make a person bad, but it does affect others deeply.

Lashing out has a way of pushing others away. On some level, people crave peace. It’s not all they crave; many also crave conflict or even war. I once read that certain individuals love to argue. My father-in-law was that way, and it’s one reason we rarely got along. People who seek argument and control desire power over others. My mother was the same way. She was always ready to argue, and woe to you if you didn’t let her control your life in some way. My sisters now live in this miasma by their own choosing. It’s so sad to see, but it is their choice.

Many people have been pushed away by my wife’s sister, and I think the issue lies deep within her. She wants acceptance. She wants love. But she has no idea how to get it. And the more she pushes others away, the more it eludes her. She feels that her mother, her sisters, her brothers, and others have walked out on her. She feels unimportant and unloved. I recall how, at the funeral, she stated that she had no gas money to get to the dinner, and nobody came forward to offer her gas money. I found this upsetting, so I did. I don’t mention this to pat myself on the back, but I understood how I would feel if I missed a family event like that. People paid tens of thousands of dollars to bury the man, yet they couldn’t fork over an Andrew Jackson? Granted, I know money is tight in the family, and I am starting to see just how damaging these relationships can be. It’s not so simple. Maybe the truth was others didn’t want to deal with the emotional fallout.

Yet, we can’t punish people by withholding love. At the same time, getting too close is risky. It’s exhausting and can be expensive. I don’t live in Spokane, and I left partly for these reasons. I have no desire to get involved in family drama. Every time I went back, it was something or other—absolutely exhausting. I can see why poverty lingers in these families. The mental chaos that exists makes it so hard to reach for something better. Healing is needed.

Who can heal us? I believe that one must heal themselves. I think there comes a point in life where one says, “Something with me isn’t right. Today I choose to make this day a better day.” I know I’ve had points where I realized there was no way I wanted to stay in the pit of despair and see the world through broken eyes. That’s one reason I started this blog. It’s a form of healing, and it’s working wonders. I have no plans to quit because of how good this exercise has been for me. And I know it’s helping other people. I doubt my family reads this, but if they did, I would hope they’d come to the conclusion that there’s a better life out there for them.

My wife’s sister wants acceptance, but like me, she’s not going to get it from her family. She is going to have to find her own tribe. She’s going to have to go beyond the confines of the familial relationships that hold her back. She has to forgive the pain and move on, creating new, healthy relationships. This will be difficult for her, but I know it’s possible. Every time she goes back to her family, she is reminded of the pain and trauma of her past. Every time she goes back, she desires an apology for both imaginary and real offenses. Like me, she is different in ways that elude complete acceptance. Like me, she will never, ever be accepted by her family. She has to realize that and, instead of calling her mother and lashing out at her sisters, see that true healing exists elsewhere.

Some families are not equipped to accept everyone. It’s not something to lament but to learn from. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear forever, but you have to put your life and your outside relationships first. As an adult from a very unhealthy family, we can’t rely on such people for psychological healing of wounds. The more we try, the angrier we will become. Step out and make friends beyond the confines of family. There is so much out there if you let go.

Realizing That You Will Never Be Acceptable To Family

A couple of months back, I was super depressed. I felt lost. I had no idea what I wanted. I had just ended my job on the Olympic Peninsula, flew back to the Republic of Georgia, and felt that life was once again up in the air. I was beyond happy to be with my wife and daughter, but there was something missing.

For years, I had heard about much of what I wrote about. When I would talk about the issues in my life, I often heard through another person that someone found something to dislike about what I had written. I can't say that I blame them. Sometimes I write things that can be difficult to read. However, I also believe that it's important to talk about what happens in life. Balancing this is hard at times.

Sitting there, at my in-laws' house outside of Spokane, I wondered what went wrong all these years. I had recently had a blow-up with my sister (and this was a sister that I had never fought with previously), and I was annoyed at how I was not supposed to bring up the fact that my in-laws had an issue with me going back to the US to work. I was beyond annoyed by this (see the post: "The Importance of Open Communication with Families"). When I mentioned some of this to other family members, it was brushed off. The funeral was on everyone's mind, and it was not the right time (spoiler: it's never the right time).

I thought back to the last couple of years. When I was having issues with religion, many well-meaning family members quickly came out of the woodwork to tell me I was wrong and just had to keep the faith. Yet, once all that was over, where was everyone? They disappeared.

The Pattern of Conditional Acceptance

Yes, that's right. I found that there was a disturbing pattern in my life. If someone in the family didn't like what I said, wrote, or believed, I would hear about it. Once I complied, I was once again nothing. If I went along with everyone's wishes in life, it was okay. I didn't have to be contacted or befriended. But once I did something that someone didn't like — then there was a problem!

Realizing My Desire for Freedom

I started to realize that what I wanted was to be able to speak freely and be myself. I never had that because I was always hoping to be noticed. I was always hoping that maybe one day, if I did everything right, I would be worth something in the eyes of my family.

I held out hope that maybe communication would one day happen or that we could become healthy. That would have been beautiful, but I was coming to the conclusion, looking back at decades of history, that nothing would change. We were all too locked in our ways.

I found that I was being silent to keep a peace that was never really there. And inside, I was screaming to be myself. I wanted to be able to speak freely and not care what others thought about me. I was tired of caring so much about those who obviously didn't care about me at all (see my post "The Straw that Breaks the Camel's Back").

The Fantasy of Acceptance

We all want to be ourselves. Oftentimes we let a fantasy of what could be keep us from truly being ourselves and speaking out. We are often afraid that we won't be accepted if we show our strange, weird, or special side. If we are too vocal, we imagine that others will pull away from us.

Yet, on that trip to Spokane, I saw that people did pull away from me all these years. They pulled away because I was different. Because I was an outsider. Because I moved away. Because I lived differently. Because I didn't visit when they wanted me to. Because I didn't believe like they did. Because I didn't remain in the same socio-economic status. Because I no longer belonged to the same church. Because I didn't accept abuse from my mother. Because I lived in another country. Because my life was so different.

Many pulled away years ago, and I lived this little fantasy in my mind that one day they'd all come accepting me and see that it was okay to be different. No. It would have NEVER happened!

It would have NEVER, EVER happened, and when I finally realized that, I broke down and mourned the death of the fantasy — the death of the unicorn that was what I imagined family to look like. And I honestly think that this is the reality for so many people out there. What we imagine family to be, what family really is, and what we hope they can become are so out of sync that it's nothing more than a dream that holds us back from truly living! 

What is Family?

Family is a cultural construct that means different things to different people. We have an attachment to family that is natural. Family raised us. When we imagine our earliest years, most of us imagine those people who fed us, changed our clothing, and protected us. Bonds are created during this time. It's hard for us to see the breakdown of such bonds.

Many people can't imagine separating from families, even when things go wrong. The emotional pull is too great. Yet, at the same time, family drama is everywhere. It eats at all people at different periods of life. Some families are hopelessly abusive. Many people hold resentment and pain in when it comes to family, yet never let go of the idea that family is the center of their world.

Media's Perfect Family vs. Reality

In media, we see images of the perfect family. Sure, they have their problems, yet they always come together at the end with a big smile. They gather for the holidays, sing songs together, worship together, and share the joys of life milestones. They are there at college graduations, homecoming games, and weddings. Family can be a truly beautiful thing.

There is something we all want in life that eludes us. For some, it is wealth. For others, it's a happy marriage or a relationship with our "soulmate." For others, it's a career. Some don't have health.

For me, that one thing that eluded me was family. I wanted it so badly. I lamented it. But I could not have that and the other thing I wanted, which was freedom. Family would not allow me to be myself or to just be.

And that's one thing that many families don't give their children (see the post: "Autonomy and Families: When Do You Get to Be An Adult?").

Choosing Myself Over the Fantasy

In the end, I realized that I had to either give up the fantasy that I would be accepted one day and be myself or keep hiding who I was in order to live in the never-ending hope that I would one day be "good enough."

Yet, when I realized that, one day, you see that you tried so hard to be everything to everyone, but everyone is gone and you remain. And you wonder why you spent so much time trying to be the person you were not when you finally become yourself.

Being an Outsider

In the end, we live busy lives. Family emerges when I'm a "bad boy." When I say something that they don't like. I never was the kind of person to get in legal trouble and need to be bailed out of jail. I never dishonored my parents by doing drugs or getting a DUI. I was perfect in every other way except for the fact that I didn't live like they did.

I didn't check off every box in life. Many in my wife's family also hated this. Different isn't easy to love. It's scary. I would have spent the rest of my life being a quiet little outsider.

Embracing Myself

I realized that I am and always will be an outsider — and as such, I am going to make it my own. I am going to be myself. I am going to write what I want and tell my story.

One thing that the trip back to my former home gave me was the push to create this blog. And I am extremely excited to share my journey and insight with those who are also wanting to realize that there's more to life than trying to be everything to everyone except for yourself.

Demanding Family Members Do Not Own Your Life

Many of us go through childhood dealing with parents that wield a very tight leash. When the day comes when we become adults, move out, get married, and start our own lives, we imagine that this leash will disappear. Sadly, that is rarely the case. Family members who are particular about our lives don't just one day decide to let go and let live. No, in fact, oftentimes, in the face of their children spreading their wings, they tighten up control, using new tactics to get their adult children to comply with their wishes.

These tactics include:

1. Guilt Trips
   Parents may remind their children of sacrifices they made while raising them, using phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
   They may frame their requests or demands as a way of showing gratitude or respect, even if the requests are unreasonable.

2. Financial Control
   Offering monetary gifts, assistance, or support with strings attached, such as expecting compliance with certain wishes (e.g., “We’ll help you with the down payment on your house or with a car to get to work, but only if you live closer to us”).
   Threatening to withdraw financial support if the adult child doesn't meet their expectations.

3. Emotional Manipulation
   Expressing exaggerated hurt or sadness to make the child feel responsible for their emotional state (e.g., “I guess I’ll just sit here alone while you live your life without me”).
   Using health issues, real or exaggerated, to compel attention or compliance.

4. Withholding Affection
   Becoming distant or cold if the adult child doesn’t comply, creating a fear of losing the relationship.
   Refusing to attend important events in the adult child's life as a form of punishment.

5. Control Through Communication
   Excessive texting, calling, or demanding constant updates about the adult child’s life under the guise of being “concerned.”
   Criticizing choices, such as career paths, partners, or parenting styles, and framing it as "advice."

6. Playing Sibling Against Sibling
   Comparing siblings to one another to create rivalry, often rewarding the more compliant child with praise or resources.
   Using phrases like, “Your brother/sister always listens to me; why can’t you?”

7. Threatening Estrangement
   Threatening to cut ties or disown the child if they don’t follow the parent’s wishes.
   Using statements like, “If you do this, don’t bother coming back.”

8. Involving Extended Family
   Recruiting other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles) to pressure the adult child into compliance.
   Spreading one-sided stories to portray the adult child as ungrateful or rebellious.

9. Conditional Love
   Imposing terms that imply love and acceptance are earned, not unconditional.
   Using phrases like, “If you truly loved me, you’d do this for me.”

10. Undermining Independence
    Criticizing or downplaying the child’s ability to make decisions, framing them as incapable (e.g., “You’re too young to understand” or “You don’t know what’s best for you”).
    Offering unsolicited help, then using that assistance as leverage later.

11. Control Over Grandchildren
    Insisting on influencing how grandchildren are raised, from their religion to education, often creating tension between the adult child and their spouse.
    Using access to grandchildren as leverage, saying things like, “If you don’t let me do this, I won’t babysit anymore.”

12. Weaponizing Traditions
    Using family traditions or obligations as a way to enforce compliance, such as insisting on how holidays must be celebrated or where family gatherings should occur.
    Shaming the adult child for breaking away from traditions or creating their own.

These tactics often stem from fear of losing control, unresolved insecurities, or a genuine inability to adjust to a child’s independence.

Oftentimes, this control extends further than the child to their spouse and children. These "control freaks" feel that they need power over others to have power over their own lives. Now, as you went through the above list, did any stand out to you? I can personally say that many of these were a part of my own life and made life far more challenging than it needed to be.

Life is already hard enough to figure out without the never-ending desire to control every aspect of your life. It's exhausting. First of all, if this is happening to you, realize that you are not alone. There are ways to take back your life. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is establish boundaries. You are an adult. Your choices are yours. That goes for how you choose to raise your children, where you live, how you practice your religion (or if you decide to drop it altogether), and what you do with your life. Nobody has or should have control over your life. It is yours.

The first step is understanding that your life is your own. Once you claim ownership of yourself, it's time to establish those boundaries.

Let's take a look at the above list. Here are some examples of boundaries that you can set and enforce in your own life:

1. Guilt Trips

Boundary:

• "I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I need to make decisions that are best for my life now."
• Refuse to engage with guilt-inducing statements: “I don’t think guilt is a healthy way to communicate. Let’s talk about this constructively.”

2. Financial Control

Boundary:

• "I value your support, but I need to make my own decisions without financial strings attached."
• Decline conditional financial help: “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll handle this on my own to maintain independence.”

3. Emotional Manipulation

Boundary:

• "I’m sorry you’re feeling upset, but my decisions aren’t meant to hurt you. Let’s focus on understanding each other instead of assigning blame."
• Avoid over-explaining or taking responsibility for their emotions: “I care about you, but I can’t make every choice based on your feelings.”

4. Withholding Affection

Boundary:

• "I hope we can talk about what’s bothering you, but I can’t force a connection if you’re choosing to distance yourself."
• Resist chasing approval: “I respect your feelings, but I also need to prioritize my well-being.”

5. Control Through Communication

Boundary:

• "I’m happy to keep in touch, but I need some space. Let’s set a schedule for calls/texts that works for both of us."
• Set time limits: “I’ll answer messages when I can, but I won’t always respond immediately.”

6. Playing Sibling Against Sibling

Boundary:

• "I love my sibling, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t compare us. We’re different people with different lives."
• Address favoritism directly: “I feel uncomfortable when I’m compared to [sibling]. Let’s focus on our relationship.”

7. Threatening Estrangement

Boundary:

• "I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t be in a relationship that’s based on ultimatums."
• Maintain composure: “If you decide to take a step back, I respect that, but I won’t be manipulated into compliance.”

8. Involving Extended Family

Boundary:

• "I prefer to handle issues directly between us. Please don’t involve others in private matters."
• Avoid engaging third parties: “I won’t discuss my personal decisions with extended family.”

9. Conditional Love

Boundary:

• "I value our relationship, but I need to feel accepted for who I am, not what I do for you."
• Refuse to equate love with compliance: “I don’t believe love should come with conditions.”

10. Undermining Independence

Boundary:

• "I’m confident in my ability to make decisions, but I’ll ask for advice if I need it."
• Reaffirm your autonomy: “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I need to figure out on my own.”

11. Control Over Grandchildren

Boundary:

• "We’re the parents, and we’ll make decisions about how we raise our children. Your input is welcome, but the final decision is ours."
• Set limits: “We’ll let you know if we need help or advice, but please respect our parenting choices.”

12. Weaponizing Traditions

Boundary:

• "We love family traditions, but we may create new ones that work for our family now."
• Be firm but kind: “We’ll join if it works for us, but we also want to explore other ways to celebrate.”

General Tips for Enforcing Boundaries:

1. Be Clear and Direct: Avoid vague language and state your needs calmly.
2. Stay Consistent: Once you set a boundary, stick to it to reinforce its importance.
3. Use "I" Statements: Focus on your feelings and perspective to avoid sounding accusatory.
   • Example: "I feel overwhelmed when you call repeatedly. Can we agree on specific times to talk?"
4. Be Prepared for Pushback: Understand that some parents may resist or test boundaries initially. Stay firm without becoming confrontational.
5. Seek Support: Talk to a partner, therapist, or friend if you need help navigating these dynamics.

It is important to remember that healthy boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about creating mutual respect and protecting your mental and emotional health. Expect pushback. Those who are not used to boundaries tend to dislike them. Many will do their best to get around your boundaries. They may change tactics. They may double down and push harder. They may become distant and then love bomb. There are many tactics that can be used. 

1. Guilt Trips

• Pushback:
  "After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?"
  "You’re so ungrateful."
• How to Handle:
  • Respond calmly: "I appreciate all you’ve done, but setting boundaries is about creating a healthier relationship for both of us."
  • Avoid engaging with guilt: "I’m making this choice because it’s what I need for my well-being, not because I don’t care about you."

2. Anger or Outbursts

• Pushback:
  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
  "This is so disrespectful!"
• How to Handle:
  • Stay calm: "I understand this is upsetting, but I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need to take care of myself."
  • Refuse to escalate: "Let’s revisit this conversation when we’ve both had time to cool off."

3. Denial or Dismissiveness

• Pushback:
  "You’re being ridiculous."
  "This is just a phase—you’ll get over it."
• How to Handle:
  • Reiterate the boundary: "I understand you don’t see it the same way, but this is important to me."
  • Avoid justifying excessively: "You don’t have to agree, but I need you to respect it."

4. Playing the Victim

• Pushback:
  "I guess I’m just a terrible parent/sibling/friend."
  "Fine, I’ll just stop talking to you then."
• How to Handle:
  • Avoid rescuing: "That’s not what I’m saying, and I hope we can still have a relationship. I just need this boundary to feel healthy."
  • Refocus: "This isn’t about making you feel bad—it’s about what I need to feel good."

5. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Pushback:
  "I hope you’re happy with your choices."
  "Oh, don’t worry about me—I’ll just deal with it myself."
• How to Handle:
  • Address directly: "It seems like you’re upset about the boundary I set. Can we talk about it openly?"
  • Don’t react emotionally: "I want us to work through this without resentment."

6. Blame or Criticism

• Pushback:
  "You’re being selfish."
  "You’re tearing this family apart."
• How to Handle:
  • Stand your ground: "Taking care of myself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary."
  • Reframe: "I’m setting boundaries to make our relationship healthier, not to harm it."

7. Threats or Ultimatums

• Pushback:
  "If you don’t do this, don’t expect me to be around."
  "You’ll regret this decision someday."
• How to Handle:
  • Stay firm: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but this boundary isn’t negotiable."
  • Don’t give in to fear: "I hope we can move forward, but I need to honor what’s best for me."

8. Minimizing or Gaslighting

• Pushback:
  "You’re overreacting."
  "This never happened—you’re imagining things."
• How to Handle:
  • Trust your experience: "This is how I feel, and my feelings are valid."
  • Avoid engaging in debate: "We may see it differently, but this boundary is important to me."

9. Ignoring the Boundary

• Pushback:
  • They continue the behavior as though the boundary wasn’t set.
• How to Handle:
  • Firmly restate the boundary: "I’ve already mentioned this, and I need you to respect it."
  • Implement consequences: "If this continues, I’ll need to take a step back from our interactions."

10. Recruiting Allies (Triangulation)

• Pushback:
  "Your sibling/cousin/partner thinks you’re wrong too!"
  "I talked to [family member], and they agree you’re being unreasonable."
• How to Handle:
  • Avoid engaging third parties: "This is between us, and I’d prefer not to involve others."
  • Reassert the boundary: "Regardless of what others think, this is what I need."

11. Testing the Limits

• Pushback:
  • They push small boundaries to see if you’ll enforce them (e.g., texting late at night after you’ve asked for no calls after 9 PM).
• How to Handle:
  • Respond immediately: "I’ve asked for no texts after 9 PM. Please respect that moving forward."
  • Stay consistent: Each time they test the boundary, reinforce it calmly but firmly.

12. Emotional Outpouring or Tears

• Pushback:
  "This is breaking my heart!"
  "I can’t believe you’re doing this to me."
• How to Handle:
  • Acknowledge their feelings without caving: "I’m sorry this is hard for you, but this boundary is something I need."
  • Set limits on emotional manipulation: "I care about your feelings, but I can’t let guilt guide my decisions."

Key Tips for Handling Pushback:

1. Stay Calm: Resist reacting emotionally to heightened responses. If you need to, take a short break and remove yourself from the situation for a bit. We all handle stress in different ways. Understanding how you handle it is key in remaining calm.
   
   
2. Repeat Your Boundary: Consistency is key to showing you’re serious. The danger in letting go of a boundary is the fact that once you get let go of one, people will see that they can bend you to their will easily. 
   
   
3. Be Empathetic but Firm: Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t waver. Remember, this is your life, and if there is anything in the world that is yours, this is it.
   
   
4. Know Your Limits: If pushback becomes abusive, consider reducing contact or seeking professional support. You do not deserve to be put in an abusive situation. Not even when dealing with family.
   
   
5. Remember Your "Why": Focus on why you’re setting the boundary—for your mental, emotional, or physical health. There are reasons you created the boundary. Your mind and feelings are trying to tell you something. Listen to your intuition and don't second guess yourself. 

I have spent my entire adult life dealing with well-meaning but often overbearing family members telling me where to live, how to believe, how to behave, and what to do. When I felt that my career and life choices were being taken from me, I became lethargic and distant. I cut people out. I grew silent. I also lost the desire to continue on some paths in life. I felt intense guilt for my choices. My daughter's welfare was often used as a means to control. "We will never get to know our grandchild," "she will be lonely moving around so much," "She needs to be close to family," etc.

Guilt is a powerful weapon. For me, my former religion was guilt-driven. Guilt was used as a weapon growing up. I learned to equate guilt with "doing wrong." But living one's life is not "doing wrong." Choosing what you do with your life should not be met with guilt at every turn. Add to this the fact that communication didn't exist with my family and it was a recipe for disaster. 

Boundaries Don't Always Work

Since communication is not a part of my family life, boundaries don't do much. In my own family, blocking and cutting out people is the norm. When I did not comply to threats and yelling, I was blocked. This doesn't allow for boundaries. When I set them, there was hostility. This is a way many families operate. If you are having trouble with boundaries, there are some things that you can do:

1. Reassess Your Boundaries

• What to Do:

  • Evaluate whether the boundary was clear and realistic.
  • Ask yourself if you’ve consistently communicated and enforced it.
  • Consider if there’s room for compromise that doesn’t undermine your needs.

• Example:
  
  If you’ve asked for no unannounced visits and it’s ignored, reiterate the boundary and specify the consequence (e.g., "If you arrive unannounced, I won’t answer the door.").

2. Implement Consequences

• What to Do:

  • Boundaries without consequences are often ignored. Clearly define what will happen if the boundary is violated, and follow through.
  • Be firm but respectful in explaining why the consequence is necessary.

• Example:

  • If someone keeps calling you late at night despite your request not to, stop answering their calls during those hours or block their number temporarily.

3. Limit Engagement

• What to Do:

  • If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, consider limiting your interaction to situations where the boundary can be maintained.
  • Engage with them only in safe, neutral, or public spaces, if necessary.

• Example:

  • If a family member becomes verbally abusive during phone calls, only communicate through text or email where you can control the interaction.

4. Reduce or End Contact

• What to Do:

  • In cases where repeated violations cause harm or distress, consider reducing contact or going no-contact if the relationship is toxic.
  • This step can be temporary or permanent, depending on the circumstances and the other person’s willingness to change.

• Example:

  • If a friend consistently violates your privacy or disrespects your boundaries, you may need to step back from the relationship.

5. Seek Mediation or Professional Support

• What to Do:

  • In some cases, involving a neutral third party (e.g., a therapist, counselor, or mediator) can help address the underlying issues and foster understanding.
  • This is particularly helpful in family or close relationships where you still want to maintain contact.

• Example:

  • Suggest family therapy if boundaries are being ignored due to long-standing dynamics.

6. Focus on What You Can Control

• What to Do:

  • Accept that you can’t force someone to change or respect your boundaries. Focus on controlling your reactions and protecting your emotional health.
  • Practice detachment by not internalizing their behavior or making it about your worth.

• Example:

  • If someone keeps trying to provoke you after you’ve set a boundary, don’t engage. Walk away or end the conversation.

7. Build a Support System

• What to Do:
  • Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and affirm your decisions.
  • Share your struggles with trusted friends, family, or a support group to gain perspective and encouragement.

8. Accept the Outcome

• What to Do:

  • Recognize that not all relationships can be saved or made healthy, even with boundaries. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship while acknowledging that letting go is sometimes the healthiest choice.

• Example:

  • Accept that a sibling who continually manipulates or disrespects you may not be capable of a healthy relationship, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

9. Practice Self-Care

• What to Do:
  • Take steps to care for your mental, emotional, and physical health, especially when dealing with difficult relationships.
  • Engage in activities that help you recharge and remind you of your value outside the strained relationship.

10. Recognize Patterns of Abuse

• What to Do:
• If the lack of respect for your boundaries escalates into abuse—whether emotional, verbal, physical, or financial—it’s essential to prioritize your safety and seek help immediately.
• Contact a trusted friend, support group, or local resources for assistance.
  
  

Sadly, there are times when communication ends. Families become estranged. But, in the end, life goes on. The truth is, the world is full of beautiful relationships and others that are substandard. You have to realize that you are not worth anything substandard. If your parents and family members refuse to see you as your own person rather than an extension of their desires, it may be time to let go and live a more radiant and full life on your own. You can be your own best friend as you attract new people that you can call "your tribe." Understanding that you are your own person with your own wishes, dreams, and desires is just the first step.

Emotional Vampires Suck the Life Out of Healthy People and Families

Emotional vampires come in all forms. I have dealt with such people throughout my life. It is a difficult realization to see that you have been bitten by the teeth of such a person.

Throughout my life, I used to pride myself on being accepting towards everyone. I was the person who would befriend those whom others would not. I loved the fact that I accepted all people with open arms. I never understood racism, classism, or people who felt that they could only be friends with those in their own religion. To be honest, such thoughts bothered me deeply. "Why can't we just be friends with anyone?" I wondered.

Sadly, I wonder if that era is coming to an end. Recently, I have been more accepting than ever before in my life, and I have also come to find out that it caused even greater depression than I have had before. The truth is, by allowing anyone to come into our lives, we are also allowing their emotions and trauma in. One group that I was always wary of accepting was my own family. I had been bitten by them, so to speak, and I surely did not want to take on any more of my mother's negative emotions. During my childhood, I knew she was an emotional vampire, yet I gave her chance after chance until she exploded and wanted nothing to do with me. I gladly and readily obliged.

The Fallout of Emotional Vampires

Yet, my mother was not the only emotional vampire in my life. Not even close. Still, I kept many close, hoping that I could help heal their trauma and be a good friend to them. One such person I recently befriended at work over two years ago. We were very different. Yet, we talked quite a bit about life, goals, philosophy, and more. She relayed to me how she felt that she was a "placeholder" in everyone's life. Men courted her, but they were all "losers." She told me over and over that I was her best friend. This was flattering. I could see she was an emotional wreck, but I loved how I could often make her feel better about life. Little did I know she depended on me greatly for her happiness.

A couple of months ago, I decided to take a break from Facebook, and I limited who could follow me on sites like Instagram and TikTok (which I decided I wanted to build up as more of a business). After over a month away, I contacted her. I hoped she would be happy to hear from me. After all, everyone else seemed like nothing happened. Rather, she was furious at me. She said it was heartbreaking that I left. She was just a placeholder in my own life. There was nothing I could do to express my regret for leaving her hanging, but I told her that I had to sometimes take a break for my own mental health. She told me to not speak to her. I realized that I was dealing with another emotional vampire (and this is why I am writing this article here today).

I could not understand why she would punish me for taking a break when she admitted to doing it as well, and she has in the past. I said nothing because I understand that's what people must do. I could not help but wonder if this person had more than just regular feelings for me. Maybe she did? I had hoped to be a helpful friend in a time of need but realized that I had gotten caught between the fangs.

When dealing with emotional vampires, you are setting yourself up for an impossible task. You are depended on to make the other feel better. It can only go on for so long. Such an investment leads to a very difficult ending. The fallout after such a relationship ends is huge. There is a lot of anger and drama. It's not like a normal, healthy friendship where people appreciate what they brought to the table and now realize that life has taken them in different directions. Healthy people understand that many things in life are temporary, and things change. We cherish the time we had together and maybe, in the future, we will meet again. If not, we appreciate the good. With emotional vampires, the result is different. It's a two-fold failure. It's internal, in the sense that we blame ourselves. It's also the other person's fault, and they get some of the ire. It's so unhealthy.

Lessons Learned

The truth is, I have learned to be more discerning with who I get close to. Not all people are fit to be our friends. It's wise to be picky with who we accept in our lives.

• Is the friendship based on mutual enjoyment, or is it based on healing trauma?
• Is the friendship equal or close to equal?
• Are there unrealistic expectations between the friends?
• Are the friends family and/or in-laws who expect you to live and exist as they do?
• Can you both handle differences? All people are different. You will never find someone exactly like you.
• Is there open communication?
• Do you feel that the friendship may spontaneously end in a fit of fire and angst?
• Would your friends accept you if you moved away, made better money, achieved fame, or became poor?
• Is your friendship dependent on your religious, political, or spiritual beliefs?

I have not always been the best friend myself. The truth is, we all go through hard times. We all have our ways of pushing other people away at times. And we all need to be alone from time to time.

People change. All things change. I found that the best friendships endure despite those changes. If a person lashes out at you every time you make a life change, that's a sign to back off. The point of a friendship is for mutual growth, happiness, and togetherness. If your friends are bringing you down, it is a good sign to back out.

Now that I see this clearly, I understand that it is vital to guard myself against emotional vampires in my own life. I have learned just how important it is to not try to be everything for someone when they have deep trauma that only they can fix. Do not depend on your friends or family to make you whole. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

The Importance of Open Communication in Families

If there’s one thing that can tear a family or relationship apart, it’s a lack of clear, honest, open communication. I’ve seen it time and time again. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a marriage, a relationship with adult children, or even a friendship—any relationship that lacks communication is on a death spiral.

Nobody wants their family relationships to die—or so it would seem.

One big lesson I’ve learned in life is that not everyone operates from a healthy view of reality. While it might seem logical to assume we all desire healthy relationships and would do anything to ensure our families are happy, healthy, and thriving, life just isn’t that way.

Many of us battle some form of mental illness or mental blockage.

Patterns of Avoidance

One thing that grinds my gears is the fact that, in my own family, problems emerge but communication never happens. Instead, issues are avoided, time passes, and eventually, everyone acts as if everything is fine—until the problem inevitably repeats.

Dialogue is rare. With distance, communication often takes place through text, instant messaging, email, or phone. Unfortunately, blocking becomes the norm, and relationships become strained. Sound familiar? This may be how you’ve experienced such situations as well.

A Lost Friendship

I recently lost a friend because I disappeared without communicating my intentions. She took it hard, telling me it was heartbreaking and that I could never understand her pain. I asked to speak with her, but she said she no longer wanted to be friends.

I asked if we could fix the relationship, but she said no—she imagined it would happen again. I agreed to end the friendship. While the outcome wasn’t what I had hoped, I appreciated that we talked about it like two adults before parting ways on good terms.

I know she battles her own struggles and has her own healing to accomplish. I wish her the best.

Societal Pressure on Family Togetherness

It’s one thing to lose a friend; it’s another to lose family. Society and culture place a huge weight on the importance of family. When we have children, we imagine they’ll stay with us until we pass on decades later. This expectation often leads families to take each other for granted.

We feel it’s our duty to endure abuse and stick around. When families don’t communicate, resentment builds, leading to eventual outbursts or separation. Then, society guilt-trips us back into the toxic cycle:

“How could you turn your back on your mother? How can you leave your family after all they’ve done for you?”

The fantasy of the perfect family is a pervasive societal narrative. When it doesn’t work out, we often blame ourselves, thinking we’re defective. We keep giving chances, hoping things will change—but they rarely do.

Growing Up Without Healthy Communication

In my own family, communication was far from healthy. We didn’t talk about problems. Instead, we were told how to act, behave, and appear. As adults, temper tantrums from one parent soured much of life. Walking on eggshells became the norm.

Threats of disownment and insults like being called worthless or an embarrassment made visits and relationships a mental burden. Researching family dynamics, I found this is all too common. Power imbalances between parents and children wreak havoc on self-worth and mental health.

When Communication Fails

Sometimes, communication just doesn’t happen. Some people refuse to talk, preferring to feel in charge and in control. When this happens, the only option might be to step away until genuine change occurs—though it may never happen.

This lack of dialogue isn’t a reflection on you. Some people would rather nurse resentment than work toward a solution. Pride, illusions of grandeur, or an inability to forgive often prevent progress.

Relationships are messy. Some will never work, and while it’s difficult to accept, it’s crucial not to internalize this as your failure.

Healthy Communication in Marriage

A healthy family or relationship requires strong communication. One reason my marriage thrives is that my wife and I can communicate openly. We see each other as equals, with our own wants, goals, strengths, and weaknesses. We also carry our own traumas and triggers but work through them together.

Divorce and Communication

I’ve known many people who have been divorced, and the most common denominator is a lack of communication. Partners are often on vastly different pages and refuse to sit down and talk.

In one epic family divorce I witnessed, the power dynamics were completely unbalanced. Given that communication was absent in my own family growing up, it was no surprise when my parents eventually split.

Talk is cheap, they say, but for many couples and families, it’s too costly an investment. And that’s the real tragedy.

How to Deal With Family and Religious Trauma

I want to tell you a story about my past, specifically about adopting the religion of my wife's family. Many people marry someone of the same faith, but some don’t. Others adopt the faith of their spouse. For me, I was baptized into my wife's church a month before we were married.

This is a cautionary tale, and one that I think will resonate with many of my readers. The church I joined was very legalistic and claimed to follow the Bible better than any other. As a Christian, I thought this was ideal for me. I wanted to follow God and believed this was the "truth." Yet many years passed before I realized I had made a grave error.

Like it or not, children often adopt the beliefs of their parents without question. That’s the danger of pushing your beliefs onto your children—it’s how many religions grow. It’s easy to accept something as truthful or real when we can make meaningful connections to reality. If we are ready to learn, learning comes easily, and we may find ourselves believing without reservation. As a nineteen-year-old, this happened to me. I was in love, and I knew I wanted to marry my future wife more than anything in the world.

The next twenty years brought me internalizing many teachings that I have now cast away. Without saying much about the denomination, let me just note that the church's teachings were exceptionally conservative—more so than most. It is one of the strictest Christian denominations and follows the teachings of a prophetess who claimed to foresee the soon-coming end of the world when Jesus would return and all his true followers would endure great tribulations.

My religion taught that everything—what I ate, what I read, where I lived, and what I did for work—was an integral part of my salvation journey. God was presented as an exacting taskmaster who would not listen to our prayers unless we strove for perfection. We were told that, in order to be saved and survive the tribulation at the end of the world, we had to be perfect because Jesus would stop interceding for us.

To make matters worse, my wife's family wholeheartedly embraced the church's teachings and adopted an even stricter "offshoot" that believed Jesuits and the government were conspiring to destroy us. The pressure to conform and be perfect became unbearable. Only when I began to research the prophetess and the beliefs—something I was discouraged from doing—did I realize it was all a sham. By then, I had already devoted many years to this faith. I had also spent years internalizing its beliefs, telling myself over and over that I was a "bad person" and a "sinner" who would never be worthy of anything good here or in the afterlife.

When I finally climbed out of the mire of this faith and realized I had been deceived for years, I snapped. I was beyond furious—at everything. Everything I believed was now in question. The world seemed entirely different from what I had imagined. I was also angry at my in-laws, who had held me to impossible standards throughout my marriage for a false religion they refused to scrutinize. When I left, they were upset because I was "lost." I wrote a book and created a website about it, which only added fuel to the family drama.

Worse still, this all unfolded while I was a missionary. I had spent the last decade of my life volunteering for a religion I eventually saw as empty and harmful. What should have been the most productive years of my life—building a career—were wasted on a church eager to cast me out for questioning its teachings. It was a true nightmare.

Should you adopt the religion of your in-laws? I would say only if you have done your homework and thoroughly examined opposing viewpoints and literature without assuming it’s "the only truth." My church claimed to be the remnant church with the spirit of prophecy for the last days. Like many questionable faiths, membership was seen as the best chance for salvation in the soon-coming end of the world. Questioning the faith by reading dissenting books or websites was discouraged. We were told to focus solely on the prophetess's works and the Bible. If we truly understood our Bibles, they said, we wouldn’t need the prophetess's writings.

It wasn’t until I examined the life of the so-called prophetess and realized she didn’t live by her own rules (as is often the case with strict religions) that I saw the cracks in the foundation. Once I left the church, my self-worth, happiness, feelings of freedom and joy, and inner peace skyrocketed. I lost a significant amount of weight almost immediately. I felt energetic and healthy. People noticed the changes. "What happened?" they asked, intrigued. Many were happy to hear I had left this overly strict and demanding church. Others were furious. My in-laws were among the latter. They couldn’t believe I had walked away from "the truth." My wife and I were forced to leave the parsonage we had lived in. It was intense.

Over a year has passed since this ordeal ended. I recently returned to the U.S. for a family funeral and walked into the church I once attended. It felt so good to have moved on, to be separate from all that! I wish I had never adopted my in-laws' religion. I wish I had researched it more thoroughly and not allowed myself to be blinded by love and the desire for acceptance. In the end, I was never truly accepted. I see that clearly now. Joining my in-laws' church was a HUGE mistake, perhaps the greatest one I’ve ever made. The cost was enormous, but leaving gave me a beautiful new lease on life.

It’s so important to set boundaries with your in-laws. Adopting their religion gives them undue power over your life and marriage. By adopting their religion, I was constantly told how to live, where to live, what to believe, and how to act according to the prophetess's rules. Even minor things, like mixing fruits and vegetables or eating spicy foods, were governed by strange 19th-century dietary rules that were supposedly requirements for salvation. If we didn’t follow them, God wouldn’t hear our prayers. It was a mess.

I could go on and on about this part of my life. It was monumental, and most of the friends I made were from the church. Making friends outside the church was frowned upon—a hallmark of controlling religions. I later learned that pastors weren’t supposed to marry church members to outsiders. My in-laws were among my closest friends, and I eventually saw how damaging it can be to be overly involved with in-laws. Family drama is suffocating, and being mired in it is something no one should aim for. There is something to be said for friends who are not family or in-laws—friends who uplift and enrich your life.

When you deconstruct from a religion and mix religious trauma with family drama, it becomes even harder to attend family functions. I realized this during my last trip to Spokane. The fallout was evident in how people interacted with me—from a distance. Although nothing was said, the elephant in the room was always present. Healthy families communicate, but ours doesn’t. That’s a glaring red flag.

If you’re considering adopting your in-laws' religion, establish healthy boundaries from the outset. Make the religion yours. You are not your church. You are not obligated to adopt every belief of an organization, and if you’re told otherwise, run. You are a separate person from your spouse’s family. Don’t let anyone impose their emotional or religious expectations on you. This is your life, and the sooner you realize that, the better. Don’t make the same mistake I did!

Autonomy and Family: When Do You Get to Be An Adult?

Autonomy. Freedom.

These are things we all crave in life. We all desire to use the skills and abilities we gain through childhood, school, and life to carve out our own paths. Add to that the fact that we all have dreams and desires—autonomy is vital for our well-being.

But what happens when that autonomy is denied? What happens when everyone has an opinion about how you should live your life? And what happens when religion and rigid beliefs are thrown into the mix?

Chaos and resentment often follow.

Let me share:

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I was married quite young. I married the youngest child in a family with... honestly, I don’t even know how many siblings my wife has. It’s very confusing. It’s a lot, though—around 9 or 10.

As a result, everyone had ideas about how our lives should unfold. To make matters worse, we didn’t go with the status quo. Shortly after marriage, we left the town where both of our families had congregated. We moved around the United States for college, and then we left the U.S. altogether to work abroad. All the while, we heard endless commentary about our life choices, as though they were inherently wrong.

Now, that might not seem like a big deal, right? Almost everyone hears unsolicited opinions about their choices. The only problem was the religious undertone that came with it. Our religious background was quite exacting and controlling. Almost everything was regulated—how we ate, dressed, read, and chose to live our lives. It created the perfect avenue for endless guilt. And that guilt was weaponized against us many times.

Despite all of this, we were mostly happy with our lives. Sure, we regretted some of the things we did, but overall, we lived an adventurous—and maybe even enviable—life. My relationship with my wife was healthy. There was much love in our home. Our child was being raised far away from the drama we had grown up with. All was good. Too good!

And some people didn’t like that.

For them, the ideal was for us to “return to Spokane and live there.”

Over. My. Dead. Body.

I knew without a doubt that I had no desire to live the kind of life either of our families lived. Although our religion taught that the ideal was to live in the hills away from the temptations of society, I didn’t desire that life. I didn’t fully believe in it either (though I felt much guilt for this). I knew that living near family would not be healthy for any of us. And I knew damn well that living near my parents would drive me insane.

It just wasn’t going to happen—ever.

Yet, that didn’t stop the comments. And there were always comments and drama.

After moving to the Republic of Georgia, I decided to return to a former job in the U.S. for the summer. However, employee housing didn’t allow children, and since the resort I’d be working at was in a national park 40 miles from the nearest town, it was difficult to secure housing for my wife and child. The summer months meant housing was both scarce and insanely expensive. One of the least expensive short-term options was $2,000 a month. So, my wife decided to stay behind in the resort city of Batumi.

Some of her family had a fit!

“How dare I leave her behind in some foreign country?”

One family member even had the absurd idea to come and “rescue” her, bringing her back to the U.S. I was livid. But I was told not to confront him, as it would only cause more drama. Drama. Drama. Drama.

Where does it end?

I will say this: if anyone from either of our families ever came and butted into my life, it would cause a family war that wouldn’t end. This incident caused me to further distance myself from all my in-laws. I now avoid most in-law chatter because I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of the constant critiques and drama. I’m tired of being told how to live my life.

To make matters worse, almost everyone in that family is divorced. The same person who wanted to “rescue” my wife was abusive to his own wife, who left him! Yet somehow, these people think they’re qualified to tell me how to live? It’s insanity. I blame intense insecurity. It runs rampant in both of our families.

After many years, I’ve realized that these things never end. You can’t reason with people who don’t listen. Instead, you either put your head down and endure it, or you say, “enough is enough” and back away. I chose the latter. I’m tired of dealing with madness that gives nothing in return.

One does not owe their in-laws anything. One does not let their in-laws dictate where they live or how they live. Family would do well to mind their own business—lest they lose all access to you, as has happened in my case. On my last visit to Spokane, as I sat there taking it all in, I wondered, “Why?”

Why have I invested so much time over the years... for what?

Some investments don’t pay off. Sometimes, you have to get out before the bankruptcy comes. That’s what happened here. Life is meant to be lovely, beautiful, joyful, and pleasant. When a family can’t provide those things, it’s time to ask yourself: “Is this madness worth it?”

For me—and for many others—the answer is a resounding NO!

Don’t feel guilty for standing up for yourself, reclaiming your sanity, and walking away while you’re young enough to create your own life. I did, and I’m so glad I did. Don’t make yourself a prisoner to a family that will never see you as an autonomous adult.