I’ve spent much of my life studying people. After finishing high school, I’d go to the library and read books on psychology, pouring over works by psychologists like Carl Jung and wondering, “What the hell is wrong with the people in my family?” I had left home at an early age. At 18, I “ran away” from my Montana home one night, hopping on a Greyhound bus to San Francisco. What an adventure that was! I returned when I ran out of money, and a few months later, I met my future wife. We were married within a year. Soon after, I left home for good.
And that was the beginning of my adult life. But it didn’t end in a happily-ever-after. Right before I got married, I joined a church that instilled in me the belief that I had a “duty” to family—no matter how toxic.
Now, my wife isn’t a fan of the term “toxic,” but I think it fits in certain situations. To me, “toxic” means a relationship or environment that is, on balance, more negative than positive. So when I use that word here, that’s what I mean.
I’m not going to delve too deeply into my past, but I think this gives you a good idea of where I’m coming from. I’ll share one more story, though, because I think it sheds light on why I’ve decided to start this blog.
Years later, after I’d stopped speaking to my mother (more on that later), she texted me out of the blue. She told me she had something to confess. She said that as a baby, she couldn’t love me because my grandparents were “too attached” to me. She admitted to “waiting for her next child to love.” While I don’t hold this against her, this confession highlights the origins of the toxicity in my family. And in a strange way, I’m grateful for it because it inspired me to start this blog.
My Goals
My goal with this blog is simple: I want to provide tools to help others identify toxic traits in their families and get out before it’s too late.
I’ve spent countless hours on Reddit, contributing to and reading stories about dysfunctional families that “stay together” simply because they grew up in the same house. As if that’s reason enough to endure a lifetime of abuse! On Facebook, I often see posts and memes about family dysfunction and find myself glued to the comments section, soaking it all up. I feel brief moments of comfort knowing I’m not alone, but I always end up wondering, “Why is this such a common experience?”
On my last trip to Spokane, Washington—where my family lives—it finally clicked: Nothing is ever going to change.
I had flown halfway around the world from the Republic of Georgia, where I now live, to attend a funeral. Over the next few days, I was bombarded with guilt and negativity. When I told my sister I couldn’t visit right away because I was going to a funeral, she stopped responding. Days later, I snapped and sent her a message expressing my frustration.
Now, I’m not saying I handled it well. But after years of one-sided visits and constant guilt trips, I’d had enough. It was unlike my sister to lash out like that, but then it hit me—she lives with my mother. The same mother who once disowned me for going hiking because she didn’t want me to get eaten by a bear. The dysfunction had clearly trickled down.
Breaking the Cycle
What causes families to reach this level of dysfunction? When does love fade, replaced by insecurity and control? Why would anyone want to visit after being guilted and ignored?
I’m sharing a glimpse into my family not to dwell on the past but to show you that you’re not alone. You don’t have to tolerate this kind of madness in your life.
When I finally realized that my family’s dysfunction wasn’t improving anyone’s life—not mine, not theirs—I knew it was time to walk away for good. Abuse, in any form, shouldn’t be tolerated.
The truth is simple: we grow up with people, but sometimes, we grow apart. Abuse and trauma often get passed down through generations. The only way to break the cycle is to step out of it.
As a child, I knew I didn’t want to become part of this toxic world. That’s why I left home. But guilt kept pulling me back—until now.
It’s time to tell my story and help others break free from the cycle!
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