I realize that at times I have been a bit scatterbrained about my true desires in life. Sometimes I think I want one thing but then realize that it would mean a huge change in the life I have. I have learned to be content with how things are, understanding that nobody gets the life they imagined they would have. I asked myself the other day, after listening to Mind Magic, an audiobook by James R. Doty, MD, what it is that I truly want in life. I realized that in order to have what I want, I must first know what it is.
What is it that I want? I think there was a time when I craved acceptance. But what was that? What did it look like? What did it mean? Was it something I could have on my own, or did it require changing how others think? I can't change how other people think. I can only change how I think. I believe what I want is contentment in the fact that I am not accepted.
Secondly, I realized that I want the ability to be myself, to speak my mind, and to not worry about others abandoning me if I do. I know that people have abandoned me in life. I have abandoned others as well. That's just how life is. We gain and lose friendships as time passes. Very few people stick with us forever. I appreciate all who do, even though I am not always good at expressing that.
Recently, my wife had a run-in with one of her sisters. Her sister was angry at my wife for not giving her enough attention. My wife is a busy person. People in her family act like she's not, and it bothers her. I have heard all kinds of things about this sister, but like most of my in-laws, I don't know her that well. I have chosen to remain distant. I love them, but I am wary of family after the events of the past few years.
However, I realized that I need to look deeper into this person. What does she crave? What is going on in her mind? What is causing her to lash out? I can't fault her for lashing out. As much as we all pretend to be above it, we all do it. Everyone lashes out from time to time—it’s a way of saying, "Something is wrong." Lashing out doesn't make a person bad, but it does affect others deeply.
Lashing out has a way of pushing others away. On some level, people crave peace. It’s not all they crave; many also crave conflict or even war. I once read that certain individuals love to argue. My father-in-law was that way, and it’s one reason we rarely got along. People who seek argument and control desire power over others. My mother was the same way. She was always ready to argue, and woe to you if you didn’t let her control your life in some way. My sisters now live in this miasma by their own choosing. It’s so sad to see, but it is their choice.
Many people have been pushed away by my wife’s sister, and I think the issue lies deep within her. She wants acceptance. She wants love. But she has no idea how to get it. And the more she pushes others away, the more it eludes her. She feels that her mother, her sisters, her brothers, and others have walked out on her. She feels unimportant and unloved. I recall how, at the funeral, she stated that she had no gas money to get to the dinner, and nobody came forward to offer her gas money. I found this upsetting, so I did. I don’t mention this to pat myself on the back, but I understood how I would feel if I missed a family event like that. People paid tens of thousands of dollars to bury the man, yet they couldn’t fork over an Andrew Jackson? Granted, I know money is tight in the family, and I am starting to see just how damaging these relationships can be. It’s not so simple. Maybe the truth was others didn’t want to deal with the emotional fallout.
Yet, we can’t punish people by withholding love. At the same time, getting too close is risky. It’s exhausting and can be expensive. I don’t live in Spokane, and I left partly for these reasons. I have no desire to get involved in family drama. Every time I went back, it was something or other—absolutely exhausting. I can see why poverty lingers in these families. The mental chaos that exists makes it so hard to reach for something better. Healing is needed.
Who can heal us? I believe that one must heal themselves. I think there comes a point in life where one says, “Something with me isn’t right. Today I choose to make this day a better day.” I know I’ve had points where I realized there was no way I wanted to stay in the pit of despair and see the world through broken eyes. That’s one reason I started this blog. It’s a form of healing, and it’s working wonders. I have no plans to quit because of how good this exercise has been for me. And I know it’s helping other people. I doubt my family reads this, but if they did, I would hope they’d come to the conclusion that there’s a better life out there for them.
My wife’s sister wants acceptance, but like me, she’s not going to get it from her family. She is going to have to find her own tribe. She’s going to have to go beyond the confines of the familial relationships that hold her back. She has to forgive the pain and move on, creating new, healthy relationships. This will be difficult for her, but I know it’s possible. Every time she goes back to her family, she is reminded of the pain and trauma of her past. Every time she goes back, she desires an apology for both imaginary and real offenses. Like me, she is different in ways that elude complete acceptance. Like me, she will never, ever be accepted by her family. She has to realize that and, instead of calling her mother and lashing out at her sisters, see that true healing exists elsewhere.
Some families are not equipped to accept everyone. It’s not something to lament but to learn from. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear forever, but you have to put your life and your outside relationships first. As an adult from a very unhealthy family, we can’t rely on such people for psychological healing of wounds. The more we try, the angrier we will become. Step out and make friends beyond the confines of family. There is so much out there if you let go.
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