After years of mental turmoil, many people begin to see patterns in their lives and realize it’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. Trying over and over again, hoping for different results, never works. Years pass, and nothing changes. It becomes depressing, distressing, and physically exhausting. One day, drowning in tears, you realize, “Something must be done.” It’s time to cut the cord.
There was a time when moving to another state, country, or across the world would mean the end of communication. It wasn’t easy to spy on or keep tabs on someone who lived far away. Yet, in the age of social media, it’s all too easy. Blocking someone doesn’t necessarily stop them — they can create fake profiles to watch your life from a distance. A popular meme says, “Nobody watches you as closely as your haters do.” Unfortunately, I know this to be true.
A few years ago, I noticed someone I didn’t recognize had liked a post of mine on Facebook. The profile seemed strange, with a “fantasy” aesthetic. As I looked closer, I saw they followed some pages related to Spokane and had interests suspiciously similar to my mother’s. The writing style in their posts gave them away. When I confronted this person, they admitted it was an accident — it was my mother using a fake profile. Although she was no longer part of my life, she said she had “a right to see her granddaughter growing up.”
I disagreed. She did not have that right. She lost the right to be part of my life when she told me she wasn’t interested in maintaining a relationship, and I told her I didn’t want one either. At the time, my social media page was public, so technically, she had the right to look. If she didn’t, I would’ve made it private — and now it is.
Abusive family members often go to great lengths to keep tabs on the people they’ve hurt. They want to see if their victim is suffering. To me, this behavior is deeply unhealthy. I don’t look at my family members’ profiles because it’s too painful. Leaving them behind hurt enough — revisiting those memories would only make things worse. I don’t find joy in seeing others in pain or reliving what could’ve been. My mother, however, has always engaged in actions that seem to cause her pain, almost as if she believes it makes her a better person. It doesn’t.
You might think I hate my mother. I don’t. I don’t wish her harm or negative consequences for what she’s done. I don’t think about her much at all. When she came up during my last trip to Spokane, it caught me off guard. I avoid the subject as much as possible and can go weeks without thinking about her. I’d rather forget she exists because we simply don’t coexist well. When my father brought her up, I was floored. When I learned my sister had moved in with her, I shuddered. My mom isn’t a bad person, but she was abusive to me. For that reason, I don’t want or need her in my life.
I don’t see any point in making an exception just because I have a child. When my child is an adult, she can decide for herself if she wants to have a relationship with her grandmother.
When you block someone and cut them out of your life, you have to stop spying on them. You have to stop obsessing. You have to let go and move on. It’s hard to accept that someone you care about doesn’t want to be part of your life. It hurts. But as years pass, parts of families drift apart, and clinging to an idea of what could have been only brings more pain.
I’m not a Buddhist, but I agree with the idea that attachment to things or ideals often leads to suffering. My family’s attachment to the idea of watching my life from a distance is causing them pain. If they’re reading this, they need to let go and move on. If they’re trying to spy on my social media, they need to stop. They need to accept that I’m no longer part of their lives.
Setting boundaries is crucial but challenging. You will likely face resistance and pushback. When I set boundaries with my family, they were immediately challenged. Family members were enraged at the idea that I would dare to enforce boundaries. But these boundaries were necessary for my sanity and well-being. You don’t owe anyone — even family — anything that compromises your mental health or peace of mind.
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