If there’s one thing that can tear a family or relationship apart, it’s a lack of clear, honest, open communication. I’ve seen it time and time again. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a marriage, a relationship with adult children, or even a friendship—any relationship that lacks communication is on a death spiral.
Nobody wants their family relationships to die—or so it would seem.
One big lesson I’ve learned in life is that not everyone operates from a healthy view of reality. While it might seem logical to assume we all desire healthy relationships and would do anything to ensure our families are happy, healthy, and thriving, life just isn’t that way.
Many of us battle some form of mental illness or mental blockage.
Patterns of Avoidance
One thing that grinds my gears is the fact that, in my own family, problems emerge but communication never happens. Instead, issues are avoided, time passes, and eventually, everyone acts as if everything is fine—until the problem inevitably repeats.
Dialogue is rare. With distance, communication often takes place through text, instant messaging, email, or phone. Unfortunately, blocking becomes the norm, and relationships become strained. Sound familiar? This may be how you’ve experienced such situations as well.
A Lost Friendship
I recently lost a friend because I disappeared without communicating my intentions. She took it hard, telling me it was heartbreaking and that I could never understand her pain. I asked to speak with her, but she said she no longer wanted to be friends.
I asked if we could fix the relationship, but she said no—she imagined it would happen again. I agreed to end the friendship. While the outcome wasn’t what I had hoped, I appreciated that we talked about it like two adults before parting ways on good terms.
I know she battles her own struggles and has her own healing to accomplish. I wish her the best.
Societal Pressure on Family Togetherness
It’s one thing to lose a friend; it’s another to lose family. Society and culture place a huge weight on the importance of family. When we have children, we imagine they’ll stay with us until we pass on decades later. This expectation often leads families to take each other for granted.
We feel it’s our duty to endure abuse and stick around. When families don’t communicate, resentment builds, leading to eventual outbursts or separation. Then, society guilt-trips us back into the toxic cycle:
“How could you turn your back on your mother? How can you leave your family after all they’ve done for you?”
The fantasy of the perfect family is a pervasive societal narrative. When it doesn’t work out, we often blame ourselves, thinking we’re defective. We keep giving chances, hoping things will change—but they rarely do.
Growing Up Without Healthy Communication
In my own family, communication was far from healthy. We didn’t talk about problems. Instead, we were told how to act, behave, and appear. As adults, temper tantrums from one parent soured much of life. Walking on eggshells became the norm.
Threats of disownment and insults like being called worthless or an embarrassment made visits and relationships a mental burden. Researching family dynamics, I found this is all too common. Power imbalances between parents and children wreak havoc on self-worth and mental health.
When Communication Fails
Sometimes, communication just doesn’t happen. Some people refuse to talk, preferring to feel in charge and in control. When this happens, the only option might be to step away until genuine change occurs—though it may never happen.
This lack of dialogue isn’t a reflection on you. Some people would rather nurse resentment than work toward a solution. Pride, illusions of grandeur, or an inability to forgive often prevent progress.
Relationships are messy. Some will never work, and while it’s difficult to accept, it’s crucial not to internalize this as your failure.
Healthy Communication in Marriage
A healthy family or relationship requires strong communication. One reason my marriage thrives is that my wife and I can communicate openly. We see each other as equals, with our own wants, goals, strengths, and weaknesses. We also carry our own traumas and triggers but work through them together.
Divorce and Communication
I’ve known many people who have been divorced, and the most common denominator is a lack of communication. Partners are often on vastly different pages and refuse to sit down and talk.
In one epic family divorce I witnessed, the power dynamics were completely unbalanced. Given that communication was absent in my own family growing up, it was no surprise when my parents eventually split.
Talk is cheap, they say, but for many couples and families, it’s too costly an investment. And that’s the real tragedy.
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