Emotional vampires come in all forms. I have dealt with such people throughout my life. It is a difficult realization to see that you have been bitten by the teeth of such a person.
Throughout my life, I used to pride myself on being accepting towards everyone. I was the person who would befriend those whom others would not. I loved the fact that I accepted all people with open arms. I never understood racism, classism, or people who felt that they could only be friends with those in their own religion. To be honest, such thoughts bothered me deeply. "Why can't we just be friends with anyone?" I wondered.
Sadly, I wonder if that era is coming to an end. Recently, I have been more accepting than ever before in my life, and I have also come to find out that it caused even greater depression than I have had before. The truth is, by allowing anyone to come into our lives, we are also allowing their emotions and trauma in. One group that I was always wary of accepting was my own family. I had been bitten by them, so to speak, and I surely did not want to take on any more of my mother's negative emotions. During my childhood, I knew she was an emotional vampire, yet I gave her chance after chance until she exploded and wanted nothing to do with me. I gladly and readily obliged.
The Fallout of Emotional Vampires
Yet, my mother was not the only emotional vampire in my life. Not even close. Still, I kept many close, hoping that I could help heal their trauma and be a good friend to them. One such person I recently befriended at work over two years ago. We were very different. Yet, we talked quite a bit about life, goals, philosophy, and more. She relayed to me how she felt that she was a "placeholder" in everyone's life. Men courted her, but they were all "losers." She told me over and over that I was her best friend. This was flattering. I could see she was an emotional wreck, but I loved how I could often make her feel better about life. Little did I know she depended on me greatly for her happiness.
A couple of months ago, I decided to take a break from Facebook, and I limited who could follow me on sites like Instagram and TikTok (which I decided I wanted to build up as more of a business). After over a month away, I contacted her. I hoped she would be happy to hear from me. After all, everyone else seemed like nothing happened. Rather, she was furious at me. She said it was heartbreaking that I left. She was just a placeholder in my own life. There was nothing I could do to express my regret for leaving her hanging, but I told her that I had to sometimes take a break for my own mental health. She told me to not speak to her. I realized that I was dealing with another emotional vampire (and this is why I am writing this article here today).
I could not understand why she would punish me for taking a break when she admitted to doing it as well, and she has in the past. I said nothing because I understand that's what people must do. I could not help but wonder if this person had more than just regular feelings for me. Maybe she did? I had hoped to be a helpful friend in a time of need but realized that I had gotten caught between the fangs.
When dealing with emotional vampires, you are setting yourself up for an impossible task. You are depended on to make the other feel better. It can only go on for so long. Such an investment leads to a very difficult ending. The fallout after such a relationship ends is huge. There is a lot of anger and drama. It's not like a normal, healthy friendship where people appreciate what they brought to the table and now realize that life has taken them in different directions. Healthy people understand that many things in life are temporary, and things change. We cherish the time we had together and maybe, in the future, we will meet again. If not, we appreciate the good. With emotional vampires, the result is different. It's a two-fold failure. It's internal, in the sense that we blame ourselves. It's also the other person's fault, and they get some of the ire. It's so unhealthy.
Lessons Learned
The truth is, I have learned to be more discerning with who I get close to. Not all people are fit to be our friends. It's wise to be picky with who we accept in our lives.
- Is the friendship based on mutual enjoyment, or is it based on healing trauma?
- Is the friendship equal or close to equal?
- Are there unrealistic expectations between the friends?
- Are the friends family and/or in-laws who expect you to live and exist as they do?
- Can you both handle differences? All people are different. You will never find someone exactly like you.
- Is there open communication?
- Do you feel that the friendship may spontaneously end in a fit of fire and angst?
- Would your friends accept you if you moved away, made better money, achieved fame, or became poor?
- Is your friendship dependent on your religious, political, or spiritual beliefs?
I have not always been the best friend myself. The truth is, we all go through hard times. We all have our ways of pushing other people away at times. And we all need to be alone from time to time.
People change. All things change. I found that the best friendships endure despite those changes. If a person lashes out at you every time you make a life change, that's a sign to back off. The point of a friendship is for mutual growth, happiness, and togetherness. If your friends are bringing you down, it is a good sign to back out.
Now that I see this clearly, I understand that it is vital to guard myself against emotional vampires in my own life. I have learned just how important it is to not try to be everything for someone when they have deep trauma that only they can fix. Do not depend on your friends or family to make you whole. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
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