Many of us go through childhood dealing with parents that wield a very tight leash. When the day comes when we become adults, move out, get married, and start our own lives, we imagine that this leash will disappear. Sadly, that is rarely the case. Family members who are particular about our lives don't just one day decide to let go and let live. No, in fact, oftentimes, in the face of their children spreading their wings, they tighten up control, using new tactics to get their adult children to comply with their wishes.
These tactics include:
Guilt Trips
Parents may remind their children of sacrifices they made while raising them, using phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
They may frame their requests or demands as a way of showing gratitude or respect, even if the requests are unreasonable.Financial Control
Offering monetary gifts, assistance, or support with strings attached, such as expecting compliance with certain wishes (e.g., “We’ll help you with the down payment on your house or with a car to get to work, but only if you live closer to us”).
Threatening to withdraw financial support if the adult child doesn't meet their expectations.Emotional Manipulation
Expressing exaggerated hurt or sadness to make the child feel responsible for their emotional state (e.g., “I guess I’ll just sit here alone while you live your life without me”).
Using health issues, real or exaggerated, to compel attention or compliance.Withholding Affection
Becoming distant or cold if the adult child doesn’t comply, creating a fear of losing the relationship.
Refusing to attend important events in the adult child's life as a form of punishment.Control Through Communication
Excessive texting, calling, or demanding constant updates about the adult child’s life under the guise of being “concerned.”
Criticizing choices, such as career paths, partners, or parenting styles, and framing it as "advice."Playing Sibling Against Sibling
Comparing siblings to one another to create rivalry, often rewarding the more compliant child with praise or resources.
Using phrases like, “Your brother/sister always listens to me; why can’t you?”Threatening Estrangement
Threatening to cut ties or disown the child if they don’t follow the parent’s wishes.
Using statements like, “If you do this, don’t bother coming back.”Involving Extended Family
Recruiting other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles) to pressure the adult child into compliance.
Spreading one-sided stories to portray the adult child as ungrateful or rebellious.Conditional Love
Imposing terms that imply love and acceptance are earned, not unconditional.
Using phrases like, “If you truly loved me, you’d do this for me.”Undermining Independence
Criticizing or downplaying the child’s ability to make decisions, framing them as incapable (e.g., “You’re too young to understand” or “You don’t know what’s best for you”).
Offering unsolicited help, then using that assistance as leverage later.Control Over Grandchildren
Insisting on influencing how grandchildren are raised, from their religion to education, often creating tension between the adult child and their spouse.
Using access to grandchildren as leverage, saying things like, “If you don’t let me do this, I won’t babysit anymore.”Weaponizing Traditions
Using family traditions or obligations as a way to enforce compliance, such as insisting on how holidays must be celebrated or where family gatherings should occur.
Shaming the adult child for breaking away from traditions or creating their own.
These tactics often stem from fear of losing control, unresolved insecurities, or a genuine inability to adjust to a child’s independence.
Oftentimes, this control extends further than the child to their spouse and children. These "control freaks" feel that they need power over others to have power over their own lives. Now, as you went through the above list, did any stand out to you? I can personally say that many of these were a part of my own life and made life far more challenging than it needed to be.
Life is already hard enough to figure out without the never-ending desire to control every aspect of your life. It's exhausting. First of all, if this is happening to you, realize that you are not alone. There are ways to take back your life. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is establish boundaries. You are an adult. Your choices are yours. That goes for how you choose to raise your children, where you live, how you practice your religion (or if you decide to drop it altogether), and what you do with your life. Nobody has or should have control over your life. It is yours.
The first step is understanding that your life is your own. Once you claim ownership of yourself, it's time to establish those boundaries.
Let's take a look at the above list. Here are some examples of boundaries that you can set and enforce in your own life:
1. Guilt Trips
Boundary:
- "I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I need to make decisions that are best for my life now."
- Refuse to engage with guilt-inducing statements: “I don’t think guilt is a healthy way to communicate. Let’s talk about this constructively.”
2. Financial Control
Boundary:
- "I value your support, but I need to make my own decisions without financial strings attached."
- Decline conditional financial help: “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll handle this on my own to maintain independence.”
3. Emotional Manipulation
Boundary:
- "I’m sorry you’re feeling upset, but my decisions aren’t meant to hurt you. Let’s focus on understanding each other instead of assigning blame."
- Avoid over-explaining or taking responsibility for their emotions: “I care about you, but I can’t make every choice based on your feelings.”
4. Withholding Affection
Boundary:
- "I hope we can talk about what’s bothering you, but I can’t force a connection if you’re choosing to distance yourself."
- Resist chasing approval: “I respect your feelings, but I also need to prioritize my well-being.”
5. Control Through Communication
Boundary:
- "I’m happy to keep in touch, but I need some space. Let’s set a schedule for calls/texts that works for both of us."
- Set time limits: “I’ll answer messages when I can, but I won’t always respond immediately.”
6. Playing Sibling Against Sibling
Boundary:
- "I love my sibling, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t compare us. We’re different people with different lives."
- Address favoritism directly: “I feel uncomfortable when I’m compared to [sibling]. Let’s focus on our relationship.”
7. Threatening Estrangement
Boundary:
- "I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t be in a relationship that’s based on ultimatums."
- Maintain composure: “If you decide to take a step back, I respect that, but I won’t be manipulated into compliance.”
8. Involving Extended Family
Boundary:
- "I prefer to handle issues directly between us. Please don’t involve others in private matters."
- Avoid engaging third parties: “I won’t discuss my personal decisions with extended family.”
9. Conditional Love
Boundary:
- "I value our relationship, but I need to feel accepted for who I am, not what I do for you."
- Refuse to equate love with compliance: “I don’t believe love should come with conditions.”
10. Undermining Independence
Boundary:
- "I’m confident in my ability to make decisions, but I’ll ask for advice if I need it."
- Reaffirm your autonomy: “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I need to figure out on my own.”
11. Control Over Grandchildren
Boundary:
- "We’re the parents, and we’ll make decisions about how we raise our children. Your input is welcome, but the final decision is ours."
- Set limits: “We’ll let you know if we need help or advice, but please respect our parenting choices.”
12. Weaponizing Traditions
Boundary:
- "We love family traditions, but we may create new ones that work for our family now."
- Be firm but kind: “We’ll join if it works for us, but we also want to explore other ways to celebrate.”
General Tips for Enforcing Boundaries:
- Be Clear and Direct: Avoid vague language and state your needs calmly.
- Stay Consistent: Once you set a boundary, stick to it to reinforce its importance.
- Use "I" Statements: Focus on your feelings and perspective to avoid sounding accusatory.
- Example: "I feel overwhelmed when you call repeatedly. Can we agree on specific times to talk?"
- Be Prepared for Pushback: Understand that some parents may resist or test boundaries initially. Stay firm without becoming confrontational.
- Seek Support: Talk to a partner, therapist, or friend if you need help navigating these dynamics.
It is important to remember that healthy boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about creating mutual respect and protecting your mental and emotional health. Expect pushback. Those who are not used to boundaries tend to dislike them. Many will do their best to get around your boundaries. They may change tactics. They may double down and push harder. They may become distant and then love bomb. There are many tactics that can be used.
1. Guilt Trips
- Pushback:
"After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?"
"You’re so ungrateful." - How to Handle:
- Respond calmly: "I appreciate all you’ve done, but setting boundaries is about creating a healthier relationship for both of us."
- Avoid engaging with guilt: "I’m making this choice because it’s what I need for my well-being, not because I don’t care about you."
2. Anger or Outbursts
- Pushback:
"How dare you talk to me like that!"
"This is so disrespectful!" - How to Handle:
- Stay calm: "I understand this is upsetting, but I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need to take care of myself."
- Refuse to escalate: "Let’s revisit this conversation when we’ve both had time to cool off."
3. Denial or Dismissiveness
- Pushback:
"You’re being ridiculous."
"This is just a phase—you’ll get over it." - How to Handle:
- Reiterate the boundary: "I understand you don’t see it the same way, but this is important to me."
- Avoid justifying excessively: "You don’t have to agree, but I need you to respect it."
4. Playing the Victim
- Pushback:
"I guess I’m just a terrible parent/sibling/friend."
"Fine, I’ll just stop talking to you then." - How to Handle:
- Avoid rescuing: "That’s not what I’m saying, and I hope we can still have a relationship. I just need this boundary to feel healthy."
- Refocus: "This isn’t about making you feel bad—it’s about what I need to feel good."
5. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
- Pushback:
"I hope you’re happy with your choices."
"Oh, don’t worry about me—I’ll just deal with it myself." - How to Handle:
- Address directly: "It seems like you’re upset about the boundary I set. Can we talk about it openly?"
- Don’t react emotionally: "I want us to work through this without resentment."
6. Blame or Criticism
- Pushback:
"You’re being selfish."
"You’re tearing this family apart." - How to Handle:
- Stand your ground: "Taking care of myself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary."
- Reframe: "I’m setting boundaries to make our relationship healthier, not to harm it."
7. Threats or Ultimatums
- Pushback:
"If you don’t do this, don’t expect me to be around."
"You’ll regret this decision someday." - How to Handle:
- Stay firm: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but this boundary isn’t negotiable."
- Don’t give in to fear: "I hope we can move forward, but I need to honor what’s best for me."
8. Minimizing or Gaslighting
- Pushback:
"You’re overreacting."
"This never happened—you’re imagining things." - How to Handle:
- Trust your experience: "This is how I feel, and my feelings are valid."
- Avoid engaging in debate: "We may see it differently, but this boundary is important to me."
9. Ignoring the Boundary
- Pushback:
- They continue the behavior as though the boundary wasn’t set.
- How to Handle:
- Firmly restate the boundary: "I’ve already mentioned this, and I need you to respect it."
- Implement consequences: "If this continues, I’ll need to take a step back from our interactions."
10. Recruiting Allies (Triangulation)
- Pushback:
"Your sibling/cousin/partner thinks you’re wrong too!"
"I talked to [family member], and they agree you’re being unreasonable." - How to Handle:
- Avoid engaging third parties: "This is between us, and I’d prefer not to involve others."
- Reassert the boundary: "Regardless of what others think, this is what I need."
11. Testing the Limits
- Pushback:
- They push small boundaries to see if you’ll enforce them (e.g., texting late at night after you’ve asked for no calls after 9 PM).
- How to Handle:
- Respond immediately: "I’ve asked for no texts after 9 PM. Please respect that moving forward."
- Stay consistent: Each time they test the boundary, reinforce it calmly but firmly.
12. Emotional Outpouring or Tears
- Pushback:
"This is breaking my heart!"
"I can’t believe you’re doing this to me." - How to Handle:
- Acknowledge their feelings without caving: "I’m sorry this is hard for you, but this boundary is something I need."
- Set limits on emotional manipulation: "I care about your feelings, but I can’t let guilt guide my decisions."
Key Tips for Handling Pushback:
- Stay Calm: Resist reacting emotionally to heightened responses. If you need to, take a short break and remove yourself from the situation for a bit. We all handle stress in different ways. Understanding how you handle it is key in remaining calm.
- Repeat Your Boundary: Consistency is key to showing you’re serious. The danger in letting go of a boundary is the fact that once you get let go of one, people will see that they can bend you to their will easily.
- Be Empathetic but Firm: Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t waver. Remember, this is your life, and if there is anything in the world that is yours, this is it.
- Know Your Limits: If pushback becomes abusive, consider reducing contact or seeking professional support. You do not deserve to be put in an abusive situation. Not even when dealing with family.
- Remember Your "Why": Focus on why you’re setting the boundary—for your mental, emotional, or physical health. There are reasons you created the boundary. Your mind and feelings are trying to tell you something. Listen to your intuition and don't second guess yourself.
Guilt is a powerful weapon. For me, my former religion was guilt-driven. Guilt was used as a weapon growing up. I learned to equate guilt with "doing wrong." But living one's life is not "doing wrong." Choosing what you do with your life should not be met with guilt at every turn. Add to this the fact that communication didn't exist with my family and it was a recipe for disaster.
Boundaries Don't Always Work
Since communication is not a part of my family life, boundaries don't do much. In my own family, blocking and cutting out people is the norm. When I did not comply to threats and yelling, I was blocked. This doesn't allow for boundaries. When I set them, there was hostility. This is a way many families operate. If you are having trouble with boundaries, there are some things that you can do:
1. Reassess Your Boundaries
What to Do:
- Evaluate whether the boundary was clear and realistic.
- Ask yourself if you’ve consistently communicated and enforced it.
- Consider if there’s room for compromise that doesn’t undermine your needs.
Example:
If you’ve asked for no unannounced visits and it’s ignored, reiterate the boundary and specify the consequence (e.g., "If you arrive unannounced, I won’t answer the door.").
2. Implement Consequences
What to Do:
- Boundaries without consequences are often ignored. Clearly define what will happen if the boundary is violated, and follow through.
- Be firm but respectful in explaining why the consequence is necessary.
Example:
- If someone keeps calling you late at night despite your request not to, stop answering their calls during those hours or block their number temporarily.
3. Limit Engagement
What to Do:
- If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, consider limiting your interaction to situations where the boundary can be maintained.
- Engage with them only in safe, neutral, or public spaces, if necessary.
Example:
- If a family member becomes verbally abusive during phone calls, only communicate through text or email where you can control the interaction.
4. Reduce or End Contact
What to Do:
- In cases where repeated violations cause harm or distress, consider reducing contact or going no-contact if the relationship is toxic.
- This step can be temporary or permanent, depending on the circumstances and the other person’s willingness to change.
Example:
- If a friend consistently violates your privacy or disrespects your boundaries, you may need to step back from the relationship.
5. Seek Mediation or Professional Support
What to Do:
- In some cases, involving a neutral third party (e.g., a therapist, counselor, or mediator) can help address the underlying issues and foster understanding.
- This is particularly helpful in family or close relationships where you still want to maintain contact.
Example:
- Suggest family therapy if boundaries are being ignored due to long-standing dynamics.
6. Focus on What You Can Control
What to Do:
- Accept that you can’t force someone to change or respect your boundaries. Focus on controlling your reactions and protecting your emotional health.
- Practice detachment by not internalizing their behavior or making it about your worth.
Example:
- If someone keeps trying to provoke you after you’ve set a boundary, don’t engage. Walk away or end the conversation.
7. Build a Support System
- What to Do:
- Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and affirm your decisions.
- Share your struggles with trusted friends, family, or a support group to gain perspective and encouragement.
8. Accept the Outcome
What to Do:
- Recognize that not all relationships can be saved or made healthy, even with boundaries. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship while acknowledging that letting go is sometimes the healthiest choice.
Example:
- Accept that a sibling who continually manipulates or disrespects you may not be capable of a healthy relationship, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
9. Practice Self-Care
- What to Do:
- Take steps to care for your mental, emotional, and physical health, especially when dealing with difficult relationships.
- Engage in activities that help you recharge and remind you of your value outside the strained relationship.
10. Recognize Patterns of Abuse
- What to Do:
- If the lack of respect for your boundaries escalates into abuse—whether emotional, verbal, physical, or financial—it’s essential to prioritize your safety and seek help immediately.
- Contact a trusted friend, support group, or local resources for assistance.
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