Purposely Staying Out Of The Loop With Family

I saw this quote that said:

“The older I get, the more I appreciate being out of the loop. Don’t fill me in — I don’t want to know anything about anyone!”

Family drama is depressing and draining. It creates lethargy in many of us. When we could be out living our best lives, suddenly all is upended by someone who can’t stand to see you enjoying life. Everything comes to a screeching halt, and we are left scratching our heads, wondering what the heck went wrong.

What did we do to deserve this treatment? What did we do to become a target in the crosshairs of a family war? I have often found that most of the attacks I received from family came about when I was minding my own business. Some people hate that. It’s so strange. I always wanted to ask: “Why don’t you just enjoy your own life and let me enjoy mine?” But for many, that’s not possible.

The same thing is true of gossip. There’s no need to be told what people think of us or how they judge what we are doing. This does not bring peace. This does not make life better. In fact, many of us (like myself) work hard to escape these things. To be told what family thinks of us or how we have upset someone else is exactly why I don’t live anywhere near family. We left that world for a reason, and we don’t appreciate being thrust back into it.

There is a reason that people grow distant. Distance often brings a new kind of peace that one never had when they were close. I don’t want to be kept in the loop. I don’t want to know what’s going on with anyone else except the person I’m talking to. If someone doesn’t like me… if someone has a problem with me… if someone isn’t brave enough to tell me themselves, please don’t let me in on it. It’s family drama, and it has no place in my life.

When someone says they want to be distant, it is good for others to respect that. If they can’t respect your distance, they will never respect your presence. That goes for people who spy on and watch your social media profiles. I am glad to say that the season of family spying on my profile has ended. After enough time, people come to terms with reality. Perhaps every once in a while, people get curious (it’s human nature to wonder), but once a peek or two takes place, all of a sudden it becomes addictive, like a drug.

There is a post that goes around social media often that says, “Nobody watches you as closely as your haters.” This often appears to be all too true. It is psychologically healthier to let go of people you don’t get along with. The more you look, the more insatiable it becomes to keep checking in. Watching people we hate can become a drug, so be careful. Respect people’s boundaries. If they don’t want you in their life, let them be. That goes for family, too.

Do not pressure people to let you back in once the doors are closed. If they want you back in, they will come to you. Respect people’s boundaries. Practice kindness and focus on your own life. You have a lot going on without having to add to it. If you don’t like a person, don’t add fuel to that fire. It’s not worth it.

Those who create fake profiles on social media to spy on those who have walked away only hurt themselves in the end. What does one expect? All roses and sunshine? You won’t make yourself feel better by seeing someone living their life without you in it. You are only creating feelings of anger, sadness, regret, resentment, and animosity.

In such relationships, there is not always a good guy and bad guy. Some families and people just can’t get along. Different personalities and backgrounds are at odds with each other. There are many people in both my family and my spouse’s family who don’t get along at all with me. As long as I’ve been alive and seen the patterns, I see that it is often hopeless. I choose peace over endless drama. In many families, it is endless drama, and it’s debilitating and exhausting.

Being Careful About Sharing Too Much With Family

I have made a mistake in the past that I will not repeat again. I overshared too much of my life. I was not careful. I made a show of what I was up to, what I had accomplished, and where I had traveled. Somewhere, I must have missed that this comes with a danger attached. You see, when you do things in life, you stir up envy among people. Those who feel that envy most acutely are family.

Oftentimes, we can't help what we feel. Feelings come from somewhere. They may come from unrealized dreams, insecurities, or a desire to prove oneself. In the sphere of families, these feelings are more pronounced because if we see one sibling, child, or in-law doing something we can't, many seethe inside. We want to be able to accomplish all of our dreams.

Yet, people accomplish different things in life according to what they value. A person who puts value on creating and building good relationships will likely find them. Those who value freedom and exploration will put their efforts into that. Those who desire to build a career will make it happen. Sometimes we can't mix those things too well. For example, freedom comes at the cost of a career. And relationships with others often come at the cost of relationships with family.

I have learned that I will never again share my travels or accomplishments in places where I am seen or may be seen by family members. I no longer share my travels on Facebook. I realize just how damaging this was over the years. This caused irreparable damage with both family and close friends, and I sincerely regret the cost. I have learned to be more discerning with other forms of social media. Thank God for the block feature!

Family and Close Friends Do Not Want to See How Different You Are

Making a show of your differences is not something that family members and even close friends appreciate. They don't want to see you in a way that is different. Rather, they want you to appear similar to them. Accomplishments and experiences cut away at such relationships. It isolates people. It isolates those who talk about their accomplishments (keep these secret), and it also isolates those who are envious.

Envy is a natural emotion. We often talk about it as a negative thing, but it sends a sign of what we truly desire in life. Envy is merely a signal of what our brains wish we had. Sadly, we can't all accomplish what we want in life. Yet, in the end, does it even matter? I think about my late father-in-law and how vocal he was about ideas, yet, in the end, we all just pass away. Experiences do not matter. Careers do not matter. Relationships matter. For me to show off what little I did in this life got in the way of many of those relationships. For that, I am truly sorry.

Your Family May Never Accept You No Matter What You Do

Some families never accept their children. As a child, I was constantly compared to every other child out there. Even though I did not get into legal trouble, smoke, party, or do any of that, I was always not as good as the other children. Funny how that separates people, isn't it? I used to hope that I would be accepted for who I was. I was once told that I would never go to college and was wasting my time thinking about it and planning for it. Three degrees later, I have never heard a word about it. I learned that people who hate you will always find a reason to hate you. Not all parents are capable of loving their children. Not all siblings are capable of appreciating people who live differently.

My siblings may hate this blog. They may be mad that I am speaking out finally after years. I wanted to write an entry about writing a shadow journal. In a sense, I feel that this is my space to share my true thoughts with the world. While I will never again show my travels on Facebook, and I will never again allow family and close friends access to my other social media pages, I will share these thoughts because they need to get out.

One day, you realize that some relationships are hopeless. People don't always get along, and some people chafe in the presence of others of a certain type. Sometimes it's therapeutic to say it like it is because we can't go on pretending like everything is okay all the time.

People Only Love You When You Do Interesting Things

I am now in India, and posts may be coming a bit slower to this blog. That said, I don’t want it to come to an end, and I am going to keep posting here. This blog is incredibly therapeutic for me. It represents the things I wanted to say for years before I let go of the fantasy that, one day, if I hid my thoughts, maybe things would be different with my family. This blog represents waking up, letting go, and realizing that things don’t change. It’s now 2025, and nothing has changed. In fact, looking at everything as a whole from my last trip to Spokane, I think things have gotten far worse.

Now that I’m in India, I feel that I am more noticed by family, friends, and others. It’s an interesting paradox how family and others suddenly take notice of us when we do something unique, different, or out of the ordinary. It’s strange to me that once someone goes back to their normal life, they mean nothing. I think I saw that when I went back to Spokane. When I’m around my family, I am nobody. When I am in some new place doing new things, I am suddenly a person of worth. But that realization does something to one’s self-worth. It tells a person that they are only worth something when they are away or doing something extraordinary.

I realized that I am not worth anything just for who I am. That is the message I have received since I was a child, and it is reinforced every time I do anything with my life. I believe that’s one reason why those of us who see this pattern become lethargic in life. Yet, it’s also why some people become overachievers. We want to be seen, loved, and accepted because we know we won’t be if we don’t do something extraordinary. Strangely, some people are held back from doing much with their lives because they fear they won’t be accepted if they stand out. I have experienced both extremes at various times. The end result is this: no matter what you do in life, there will always be people who don’t accept you — and the most vocal critics, the ones who accept you the least, are often your family.

I realize now that I have put too much of my self-worth in the hands of others all these years. It’s not anyone else’s place to change how we see ourselves. The fact is, everyone is busy with their own lives, dealing with their own struggles, and battling their own feelings of inadequacy. Sitting in traffic in Delhi, I thought about how I was surrounded by millions of people. All of them are fighting the same battles I face. I am not unique in this way. What would be more unique is to climb out of those thoughts and realize that what other people think of me does not matter.

When I think back to my family, I am reminded every time I visit them that I could never live there. It puts me in a place of deep, lasting depression. I also realize that I can’t control others or what they think of me. They are always going to think of me the same way. I can’t cling to hope that things will change. I can’t change anyone except myself. I can’t expect anything to ever be different. All I can do is protect myself from such thoughts and feelings by making my own life an oasis in a desert of insanity.

I do not travel to new places to please other people. I do this only for myself. What bothers me more is seeing that others focus on my life only when I do these things. Maybe that’s an issue with social media as a whole. I don’t want my family to see my life. I don’t want them to have any idea what I am doing with my life. It’s not healthy to share your life with people who bring you down.

What is healthy, however, is writing about your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Create a shadow journal and be completely open and honest about how you feel. I have found this exercise to be incredibly helpful in life. Life is messy, and sometimes you have to let out your so-called “dark side” in some way.

Abusive Families Don't Let Go: Spying, Watching, Observing, and Obsessing

After years of mental turmoil, many people begin to see patterns in their lives and realize it’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. Trying over and over again, hoping for different results, never works. Years pass, and nothing changes. It becomes depressing, distressing, and physically exhausting. One day, drowning in tears, you realize, “Something must be done.” It’s time to cut the cord.

There was a time when moving to another state, country, or across the world would mean the end of communication. It wasn’t easy to spy on or keep tabs on someone who lived far away. Yet, in the age of social media, it’s all too easy. Blocking someone doesn’t necessarily stop them — they can create fake profiles to watch your life from a distance. A popular meme says, “Nobody watches you as closely as your haters do.” Unfortunately, I know this to be true.

A few years ago, I noticed someone I didn’t recognize had liked a post of mine on Facebook. The profile seemed strange, with a “fantasy” aesthetic. As I looked closer, I saw they followed some pages related to Spokane and had interests suspiciously similar to my mother’s. The writing style in their posts gave them away. When I confronted this person, they admitted it was an accident — it was my mother using a fake profile. Although she was no longer part of my life, she said she had “a right to see her granddaughter growing up.”

I disagreed. She did not have that right. She lost the right to be part of my life when she told me she wasn’t interested in maintaining a relationship, and I told her I didn’t want one either. At the time, my social media page was public, so technically, she had the right to look. If she didn’t, I would’ve made it private — and now it is.

Abusive family members often go to great lengths to keep tabs on the people they’ve hurt. They want to see if their victim is suffering. To me, this behavior is deeply unhealthy. I don’t look at my family members’ profiles because it’s too painful. Leaving them behind hurt enough — revisiting those memories would only make things worse. I don’t find joy in seeing others in pain or reliving what could’ve been. My mother, however, has always engaged in actions that seem to cause her pain, almost as if she believes it makes her a better person. It doesn’t.

You might think I hate my mother. I don’t. I don’t wish her harm or negative consequences for what she’s done. I don’t think about her much at all. When she came up during my last trip to Spokane, it caught me off guard. I avoid the subject as much as possible and can go weeks without thinking about her. I’d rather forget she exists because we simply don’t coexist well. When my father brought her up, I was floored. When I learned my sister had moved in with her, I shuddered. My mom isn’t a bad person, but she was abusive to me. For that reason, I don’t want or need her in my life.

I don’t see any point in making an exception just because I have a child. When my child is an adult, she can decide for herself if she wants to have a relationship with her grandmother.

When you block someone and cut them out of your life, you have to stop spying on them. You have to stop obsessing. You have to let go and move on. It’s hard to accept that someone you care about doesn’t want to be part of your life. It hurts. But as years pass, parts of families drift apart, and clinging to an idea of what could have been only brings more pain.

I’m not a Buddhist, but I agree with the idea that attachment to things or ideals often leads to suffering. My family’s attachment to the idea of watching my life from a distance is causing them pain. If they’re reading this, they need to let go and move on. If they’re trying to spy on my social media, they need to stop. They need to accept that I’m no longer part of their lives.

Setting boundaries is crucial but challenging. You will likely face resistance and pushback. When I set boundaries with my family, they were immediately challenged. Family members were enraged at the idea that I would dare to enforce boundaries. But these boundaries were necessary for my sanity and well-being. You don’t owe anyone — even family — anything that compromises your mental health or peace of mind.

The Problem With Looking for Psychological Healing From Family

I realize that at times I have been a bit scatterbrained about my true desires in life. Sometimes I think I want one thing but then realize that it would mean a huge change in the life I have. I have learned to be content with how things are, understanding that nobody gets the life they imagined they would have. I asked myself the other day, after listening to Mind Magic, an audiobook by James R. Doty, MD, what it is that I truly want in life. I realized that in order to have what I want, I must first know what it is.

What is it that I want? I think there was a time when I craved acceptance. But what was that? What did it look like? What did it mean? Was it something I could have on my own, or did it require changing how others think? I can't change how other people think. I can only change how I think. I believe what I want is contentment in the fact that I am not accepted.

Secondly, I realized that I want the ability to be myself, to speak my mind, and to not worry about others abandoning me if I do. I know that people have abandoned me in life. I have abandoned others as well. That's just how life is. We gain and lose friendships as time passes. Very few people stick with us forever. I appreciate all who do, even though I am not always good at expressing that.

Recently, my wife had a run-in with one of her sisters. Her sister was angry at my wife for not giving her enough attention. My wife is a busy person. People in her family act like she's not, and it bothers her. I have heard all kinds of things about this sister, but like most of my in-laws, I don't know her that well. I have chosen to remain distant. I love them, but I am wary of family after the events of the past few years.

However, I realized that I need to look deeper into this person. What does she crave? What is going on in her mind? What is causing her to lash out? I can't fault her for lashing out. As much as we all pretend to be above it, we all do it. Everyone lashes out from time to time—it’s a way of saying, "Something is wrong." Lashing out doesn't make a person bad, but it does affect others deeply.

Lashing out has a way of pushing others away. On some level, people crave peace. It’s not all they crave; many also crave conflict or even war. I once read that certain individuals love to argue. My father-in-law was that way, and it’s one reason we rarely got along. People who seek argument and control desire power over others. My mother was the same way. She was always ready to argue, and woe to you if you didn’t let her control your life in some way. My sisters now live in this miasma by their own choosing. It’s so sad to see, but it is their choice.

Many people have been pushed away by my wife’s sister, and I think the issue lies deep within her. She wants acceptance. She wants love. But she has no idea how to get it. And the more she pushes others away, the more it eludes her. She feels that her mother, her sisters, her brothers, and others have walked out on her. She feels unimportant and unloved. I recall how, at the funeral, she stated that she had no gas money to get to the dinner, and nobody came forward to offer her gas money. I found this upsetting, so I did. I don’t mention this to pat myself on the back, but I understood how I would feel if I missed a family event like that. People paid tens of thousands of dollars to bury the man, yet they couldn’t fork over an Andrew Jackson? Granted, I know money is tight in the family, and I am starting to see just how damaging these relationships can be. It’s not so simple. Maybe the truth was others didn’t want to deal with the emotional fallout.

Yet, we can’t punish people by withholding love. At the same time, getting too close is risky. It’s exhausting and can be expensive. I don’t live in Spokane, and I left partly for these reasons. I have no desire to get involved in family drama. Every time I went back, it was something or other—absolutely exhausting. I can see why poverty lingers in these families. The mental chaos that exists makes it so hard to reach for something better. Healing is needed.

Who can heal us? I believe that one must heal themselves. I think there comes a point in life where one says, “Something with me isn’t right. Today I choose to make this day a better day.” I know I’ve had points where I realized there was no way I wanted to stay in the pit of despair and see the world through broken eyes. That’s one reason I started this blog. It’s a form of healing, and it’s working wonders. I have no plans to quit because of how good this exercise has been for me. And I know it’s helping other people. I doubt my family reads this, but if they did, I would hope they’d come to the conclusion that there’s a better life out there for them.

My wife’s sister wants acceptance, but like me, she’s not going to get it from her family. She is going to have to find her own tribe. She’s going to have to go beyond the confines of the familial relationships that hold her back. She has to forgive the pain and move on, creating new, healthy relationships. This will be difficult for her, but I know it’s possible. Every time she goes back to her family, she is reminded of the pain and trauma of her past. Every time she goes back, she desires an apology for both imaginary and real offenses. Like me, she is different in ways that elude complete acceptance. Like me, she will never, ever be accepted by her family. She has to realize that and, instead of calling her mother and lashing out at her sisters, see that true healing exists elsewhere.

Some families are not equipped to accept everyone. It’s not something to lament but to learn from. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear forever, but you have to put your life and your outside relationships first. As an adult from a very unhealthy family, we can’t rely on such people for psychological healing of wounds. The more we try, the angrier we will become. Step out and make friends beyond the confines of family. There is so much out there if you let go.

Realizing That You Will Never Be Acceptable To Family

A couple of months back, I was super depressed. I felt lost. I had no idea what I wanted. I had just ended my job on the Olympic Peninsula, flew back to the Republic of Georgia, and felt that life was once again up in the air. I was beyond happy to be with my wife and daughter, but there was something missing.

For years, I had heard about much of what I wrote about. When I would talk about the issues in my life, I often heard through another person that someone found something to dislike about what I had written. I can't say that I blame them. Sometimes I write things that can be difficult to read. However, I also believe that it's important to talk about what happens in life. Balancing this is hard at times.

Sitting there, at my in-laws' house outside of Spokane, I wondered what went wrong all these years. I had recently had a blow-up with my sister (and this was a sister that I had never fought with previously), and I was annoyed at how I was not supposed to bring up the fact that my in-laws had an issue with me going back to the US to work. I was beyond annoyed by this (see the post: "The Importance of Open Communication with Families"). When I mentioned some of this to other family members, it was brushed off. The funeral was on everyone's mind, and it was not the right time (spoiler: it's never the right time).

I thought back to the last couple of years. When I was having issues with religion, many well-meaning family members quickly came out of the woodwork to tell me I was wrong and just had to keep the faith. Yet, once all that was over, where was everyone? They disappeared.

The Pattern of Conditional Acceptance

Yes, that's right. I found that there was a disturbing pattern in my life. If someone in the family didn't like what I said, wrote, or believed, I would hear about it. Once I complied, I was once again nothing. If I went along with everyone's wishes in life, it was okay. I didn't have to be contacted or befriended. But once I did something that someone didn't like — then there was a problem!

Realizing My Desire for Freedom

I started to realize that what I wanted was to be able to speak freely and be myself. I never had that because I was always hoping to be noticed. I was always hoping that maybe one day, if I did everything right, I would be worth something in the eyes of my family.

I held out hope that maybe communication would one day happen or that we could become healthy. That would have been beautiful, but I was coming to the conclusion, looking back at decades of history, that nothing would change. We were all too locked in our ways.

I found that I was being silent to keep a peace that was never really there. And inside, I was screaming to be myself. I wanted to be able to speak freely and not care what others thought about me. I was tired of caring so much about those who obviously didn't care about me at all (see my post "The Straw that Breaks the Camel's Back").

The Fantasy of Acceptance

We all want to be ourselves. Oftentimes we let a fantasy of what could be keep us from truly being ourselves and speaking out. We are often afraid that we won't be accepted if we show our strange, weird, or special side. If we are too vocal, we imagine that others will pull away from us.

Yet, on that trip to Spokane, I saw that people did pull away from me all these years. They pulled away because I was different. Because I was an outsider. Because I moved away. Because I lived differently. Because I didn't visit when they wanted me to. Because I didn't believe like they did. Because I didn't remain in the same socio-economic status. Because I no longer belonged to the same church. Because I didn't accept abuse from my mother. Because I lived in another country. Because my life was so different.

Many pulled away years ago, and I lived this little fantasy in my mind that one day they'd all come accepting me and see that it was okay to be different. No. It would have NEVER happened!

It would have NEVER, EVER happened, and when I finally realized that, I broke down and mourned the death of the fantasy — the death of the unicorn that was what I imagined family to look like. And I honestly think that this is the reality for so many people out there. What we imagine family to be, what family really is, and what we hope they can become are so out of sync that it's nothing more than a dream that holds us back from truly living! 

What is Family?

Family is a cultural construct that means different things to different people. We have an attachment to family that is natural. Family raised us. When we imagine our earliest years, most of us imagine those people who fed us, changed our clothing, and protected us. Bonds are created during this time. It's hard for us to see the breakdown of such bonds.

Many people can't imagine separating from families, even when things go wrong. The emotional pull is too great. Yet, at the same time, family drama is everywhere. It eats at all people at different periods of life. Some families are hopelessly abusive. Many people hold resentment and pain in when it comes to family, yet never let go of the idea that family is the center of their world.

Media's Perfect Family vs. Reality

In media, we see images of the perfect family. Sure, they have their problems, yet they always come together at the end with a big smile. They gather for the holidays, sing songs together, worship together, and share the joys of life milestones. They are there at college graduations, homecoming games, and weddings. Family can be a truly beautiful thing.

There is something we all want in life that eludes us. For some, it is wealth. For others, it's a happy marriage or a relationship with our "soulmate." For others, it's a career. Some don't have health.

For me, that one thing that eluded me was family. I wanted it so badly. I lamented it. But I could not have that and the other thing I wanted, which was freedom. Family would not allow me to be myself or to just be.

And that's one thing that many families don't give their children (see the post: "Autonomy and Families: When Do You Get to Be An Adult?").

Choosing Myself Over the Fantasy

In the end, I realized that I had to either give up the fantasy that I would be accepted one day and be myself or keep hiding who I was in order to live in the never-ending hope that I would one day be "good enough."

Yet, when I realized that, one day, you see that you tried so hard to be everything to everyone, but everyone is gone and you remain. And you wonder why you spent so much time trying to be the person you were not when you finally become yourself.

Being an Outsider

In the end, we live busy lives. Family emerges when I'm a "bad boy." When I say something that they don't like. I never was the kind of person to get in legal trouble and need to be bailed out of jail. I never dishonored my parents by doing drugs or getting a DUI. I was perfect in every other way except for the fact that I didn't live like they did.

I didn't check off every box in life. Many in my wife's family also hated this. Different isn't easy to love. It's scary. I would have spent the rest of my life being a quiet little outsider.

Embracing Myself

I realized that I am and always will be an outsider — and as such, I am going to make it my own. I am going to be myself. I am going to write what I want and tell my story.

One thing that the trip back to my former home gave me was the push to create this blog. And I am extremely excited to share my journey and insight with those who are also wanting to realize that there's more to life than trying to be everything to everyone except for yourself.

Demanding Family Members Do Not Own Your Life

Many of us go through childhood dealing with parents that wield a very tight leash. When the day comes when we become adults, move out, get married, and start our own lives, we imagine that this leash will disappear. Sadly, that is rarely the case. Family members who are particular about our lives don't just one day decide to let go and let live. No, in fact, oftentimes, in the face of their children spreading their wings, they tighten up control, using new tactics to get their adult children to comply with their wishes.

These tactics include:

1. Guilt Trips
   Parents may remind their children of sacrifices they made while raising them, using phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
   They may frame their requests or demands as a way of showing gratitude or respect, even if the requests are unreasonable.

2. Financial Control
   Offering monetary gifts, assistance, or support with strings attached, such as expecting compliance with certain wishes (e.g., “We’ll help you with the down payment on your house or with a car to get to work, but only if you live closer to us”).
   Threatening to withdraw financial support if the adult child doesn't meet their expectations.

3. Emotional Manipulation
   Expressing exaggerated hurt or sadness to make the child feel responsible for their emotional state (e.g., “I guess I’ll just sit here alone while you live your life without me”).
   Using health issues, real or exaggerated, to compel attention or compliance.

4. Withholding Affection
   Becoming distant or cold if the adult child doesn’t comply, creating a fear of losing the relationship.
   Refusing to attend important events in the adult child's life as a form of punishment.

5. Control Through Communication
   Excessive texting, calling, or demanding constant updates about the adult child’s life under the guise of being “concerned.”
   Criticizing choices, such as career paths, partners, or parenting styles, and framing it as "advice."

6. Playing Sibling Against Sibling
   Comparing siblings to one another to create rivalry, often rewarding the more compliant child with praise or resources.
   Using phrases like, “Your brother/sister always listens to me; why can’t you?”

7. Threatening Estrangement
   Threatening to cut ties or disown the child if they don’t follow the parent’s wishes.
   Using statements like, “If you do this, don’t bother coming back.”

8. Involving Extended Family
   Recruiting other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles) to pressure the adult child into compliance.
   Spreading one-sided stories to portray the adult child as ungrateful or rebellious.

9. Conditional Love
   Imposing terms that imply love and acceptance are earned, not unconditional.
   Using phrases like, “If you truly loved me, you’d do this for me.”

10. Undermining Independence
    Criticizing or downplaying the child’s ability to make decisions, framing them as incapable (e.g., “You’re too young to understand” or “You don’t know what’s best for you”).
    Offering unsolicited help, then using that assistance as leverage later.

11. Control Over Grandchildren
    Insisting on influencing how grandchildren are raised, from their religion to education, often creating tension between the adult child and their spouse.
    Using access to grandchildren as leverage, saying things like, “If you don’t let me do this, I won’t babysit anymore.”

12. Weaponizing Traditions
    Using family traditions or obligations as a way to enforce compliance, such as insisting on how holidays must be celebrated or where family gatherings should occur.
    Shaming the adult child for breaking away from traditions or creating their own.

These tactics often stem from fear of losing control, unresolved insecurities, or a genuine inability to adjust to a child’s independence.

Oftentimes, this control extends further than the child to their spouse and children. These "control freaks" feel that they need power over others to have power over their own lives. Now, as you went through the above list, did any stand out to you? I can personally say that many of these were a part of my own life and made life far more challenging than it needed to be.

Life is already hard enough to figure out without the never-ending desire to control every aspect of your life. It's exhausting. First of all, if this is happening to you, realize that you are not alone. There are ways to take back your life. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is establish boundaries. You are an adult. Your choices are yours. That goes for how you choose to raise your children, where you live, how you practice your religion (or if you decide to drop it altogether), and what you do with your life. Nobody has or should have control over your life. It is yours.

The first step is understanding that your life is your own. Once you claim ownership of yourself, it's time to establish those boundaries.

Let's take a look at the above list. Here are some examples of boundaries that you can set and enforce in your own life:

1. Guilt Trips

Boundary:

• "I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I need to make decisions that are best for my life now."
• Refuse to engage with guilt-inducing statements: “I don’t think guilt is a healthy way to communicate. Let’s talk about this constructively.”

2. Financial Control

Boundary:

• "I value your support, but I need to make my own decisions without financial strings attached."
• Decline conditional financial help: “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll handle this on my own to maintain independence.”

3. Emotional Manipulation

Boundary:

• "I’m sorry you’re feeling upset, but my decisions aren’t meant to hurt you. Let’s focus on understanding each other instead of assigning blame."
• Avoid over-explaining or taking responsibility for their emotions: “I care about you, but I can’t make every choice based on your feelings.”

4. Withholding Affection

Boundary:

• "I hope we can talk about what’s bothering you, but I can’t force a connection if you’re choosing to distance yourself."
• Resist chasing approval: “I respect your feelings, but I also need to prioritize my well-being.”

5. Control Through Communication

Boundary:

• "I’m happy to keep in touch, but I need some space. Let’s set a schedule for calls/texts that works for both of us."
• Set time limits: “I’ll answer messages when I can, but I won’t always respond immediately.”

6. Playing Sibling Against Sibling

Boundary:

• "I love my sibling, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t compare us. We’re different people with different lives."
• Address favoritism directly: “I feel uncomfortable when I’m compared to [sibling]. Let’s focus on our relationship.”

7. Threatening Estrangement

Boundary:

• "I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t be in a relationship that’s based on ultimatums."
• Maintain composure: “If you decide to take a step back, I respect that, but I won’t be manipulated into compliance.”

8. Involving Extended Family

Boundary:

• "I prefer to handle issues directly between us. Please don’t involve others in private matters."
• Avoid engaging third parties: “I won’t discuss my personal decisions with extended family.”

9. Conditional Love

Boundary:

• "I value our relationship, but I need to feel accepted for who I am, not what I do for you."
• Refuse to equate love with compliance: “I don’t believe love should come with conditions.”

10. Undermining Independence

Boundary:

• "I’m confident in my ability to make decisions, but I’ll ask for advice if I need it."
• Reaffirm your autonomy: “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I need to figure out on my own.”

11. Control Over Grandchildren

Boundary:

• "We’re the parents, and we’ll make decisions about how we raise our children. Your input is welcome, but the final decision is ours."
• Set limits: “We’ll let you know if we need help or advice, but please respect our parenting choices.”

12. Weaponizing Traditions

Boundary:

• "We love family traditions, but we may create new ones that work for our family now."
• Be firm but kind: “We’ll join if it works for us, but we also want to explore other ways to celebrate.”

General Tips for Enforcing Boundaries:

1. Be Clear and Direct: Avoid vague language and state your needs calmly.
2. Stay Consistent: Once you set a boundary, stick to it to reinforce its importance.
3. Use "I" Statements: Focus on your feelings and perspective to avoid sounding accusatory.
   • Example: "I feel overwhelmed when you call repeatedly. Can we agree on specific times to talk?"
4. Be Prepared for Pushback: Understand that some parents may resist or test boundaries initially. Stay firm without becoming confrontational.
5. Seek Support: Talk to a partner, therapist, or friend if you need help navigating these dynamics.

It is important to remember that healthy boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about creating mutual respect and protecting your mental and emotional health. Expect pushback. Those who are not used to boundaries tend to dislike them. Many will do their best to get around your boundaries. They may change tactics. They may double down and push harder. They may become distant and then love bomb. There are many tactics that can be used. 

1. Guilt Trips

• Pushback:
  "After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?"
  "You’re so ungrateful."
• How to Handle:
  • Respond calmly: "I appreciate all you’ve done, but setting boundaries is about creating a healthier relationship for both of us."
  • Avoid engaging with guilt: "I’m making this choice because it’s what I need for my well-being, not because I don’t care about you."

2. Anger or Outbursts

• Pushback:
  "How dare you talk to me like that!"
  "This is so disrespectful!"
• How to Handle:
  • Stay calm: "I understand this is upsetting, but I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need to take care of myself."
  • Refuse to escalate: "Let’s revisit this conversation when we’ve both had time to cool off."

3. Denial or Dismissiveness

• Pushback:
  "You’re being ridiculous."
  "This is just a phase—you’ll get over it."
• How to Handle:
  • Reiterate the boundary: "I understand you don’t see it the same way, but this is important to me."
  • Avoid justifying excessively: "You don’t have to agree, but I need you to respect it."

4. Playing the Victim

• Pushback:
  "I guess I’m just a terrible parent/sibling/friend."
  "Fine, I’ll just stop talking to you then."
• How to Handle:
  • Avoid rescuing: "That’s not what I’m saying, and I hope we can still have a relationship. I just need this boundary to feel healthy."
  • Refocus: "This isn’t about making you feel bad—it’s about what I need to feel good."

5. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Pushback:
  "I hope you’re happy with your choices."
  "Oh, don’t worry about me—I’ll just deal with it myself."
• How to Handle:
  • Address directly: "It seems like you’re upset about the boundary I set. Can we talk about it openly?"
  • Don’t react emotionally: "I want us to work through this without resentment."

6. Blame or Criticism

• Pushback:
  "You’re being selfish."
  "You’re tearing this family apart."
• How to Handle:
  • Stand your ground: "Taking care of myself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary."
  • Reframe: "I’m setting boundaries to make our relationship healthier, not to harm it."

7. Threats or Ultimatums

• Pushback:
  "If you don’t do this, don’t expect me to be around."
  "You’ll regret this decision someday."
• How to Handle:
  • Stay firm: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but this boundary isn’t negotiable."
  • Don’t give in to fear: "I hope we can move forward, but I need to honor what’s best for me."

8. Minimizing or Gaslighting

• Pushback:
  "You’re overreacting."
  "This never happened—you’re imagining things."
• How to Handle:
  • Trust your experience: "This is how I feel, and my feelings are valid."
  • Avoid engaging in debate: "We may see it differently, but this boundary is important to me."

9. Ignoring the Boundary

• Pushback:
  • They continue the behavior as though the boundary wasn’t set.
• How to Handle:
  • Firmly restate the boundary: "I’ve already mentioned this, and I need you to respect it."
  • Implement consequences: "If this continues, I’ll need to take a step back from our interactions."

10. Recruiting Allies (Triangulation)

• Pushback:
  "Your sibling/cousin/partner thinks you’re wrong too!"
  "I talked to [family member], and they agree you’re being unreasonable."
• How to Handle:
  • Avoid engaging third parties: "This is between us, and I’d prefer not to involve others."
  • Reassert the boundary: "Regardless of what others think, this is what I need."

11. Testing the Limits

• Pushback:
  • They push small boundaries to see if you’ll enforce them (e.g., texting late at night after you’ve asked for no calls after 9 PM).
• How to Handle:
  • Respond immediately: "I’ve asked for no texts after 9 PM. Please respect that moving forward."
  • Stay consistent: Each time they test the boundary, reinforce it calmly but firmly.

12. Emotional Outpouring or Tears

• Pushback:
  "This is breaking my heart!"
  "I can’t believe you’re doing this to me."
• How to Handle:
  • Acknowledge their feelings without caving: "I’m sorry this is hard for you, but this boundary is something I need."
  • Set limits on emotional manipulation: "I care about your feelings, but I can’t let guilt guide my decisions."

Key Tips for Handling Pushback:

1. Stay Calm: Resist reacting emotionally to heightened responses. If you need to, take a short break and remove yourself from the situation for a bit. We all handle stress in different ways. Understanding how you handle it is key in remaining calm.
   
   
2. Repeat Your Boundary: Consistency is key to showing you’re serious. The danger in letting go of a boundary is the fact that once you get let go of one, people will see that they can bend you to their will easily. 
   
   
3. Be Empathetic but Firm: Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t waver. Remember, this is your life, and if there is anything in the world that is yours, this is it.
   
   
4. Know Your Limits: If pushback becomes abusive, consider reducing contact or seeking professional support. You do not deserve to be put in an abusive situation. Not even when dealing with family.
   
   
5. Remember Your "Why": Focus on why you’re setting the boundary—for your mental, emotional, or physical health. There are reasons you created the boundary. Your mind and feelings are trying to tell you something. Listen to your intuition and don't second guess yourself. 

I have spent my entire adult life dealing with well-meaning but often overbearing family members telling me where to live, how to believe, how to behave, and what to do. When I felt that my career and life choices were being taken from me, I became lethargic and distant. I cut people out. I grew silent. I also lost the desire to continue on some paths in life. I felt intense guilt for my choices. My daughter's welfare was often used as a means to control. "We will never get to know our grandchild," "she will be lonely moving around so much," "She needs to be close to family," etc.

Guilt is a powerful weapon. For me, my former religion was guilt-driven. Guilt was used as a weapon growing up. I learned to equate guilt with "doing wrong." But living one's life is not "doing wrong." Choosing what you do with your life should not be met with guilt at every turn. Add to this the fact that communication didn't exist with my family and it was a recipe for disaster. 

Boundaries Don't Always Work

Since communication is not a part of my family life, boundaries don't do much. In my own family, blocking and cutting out people is the norm. When I did not comply to threats and yelling, I was blocked. This doesn't allow for boundaries. When I set them, there was hostility. This is a way many families operate. If you are having trouble with boundaries, there are some things that you can do:

1. Reassess Your Boundaries

• What to Do:

  • Evaluate whether the boundary was clear and realistic.
  • Ask yourself if you’ve consistently communicated and enforced it.
  • Consider if there’s room for compromise that doesn’t undermine your needs.

• Example:
  
  If you’ve asked for no unannounced visits and it’s ignored, reiterate the boundary and specify the consequence (e.g., "If you arrive unannounced, I won’t answer the door.").

2. Implement Consequences

• What to Do:

  • Boundaries without consequences are often ignored. Clearly define what will happen if the boundary is violated, and follow through.
  • Be firm but respectful in explaining why the consequence is necessary.

• Example:

  • If someone keeps calling you late at night despite your request not to, stop answering their calls during those hours or block their number temporarily.

3. Limit Engagement

• What to Do:

  • If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, consider limiting your interaction to situations where the boundary can be maintained.
  • Engage with them only in safe, neutral, or public spaces, if necessary.

• Example:

  • If a family member becomes verbally abusive during phone calls, only communicate through text or email where you can control the interaction.

4. Reduce or End Contact

• What to Do:

  • In cases where repeated violations cause harm or distress, consider reducing contact or going no-contact if the relationship is toxic.
  • This step can be temporary or permanent, depending on the circumstances and the other person’s willingness to change.

• Example:

  • If a friend consistently violates your privacy or disrespects your boundaries, you may need to step back from the relationship.

5. Seek Mediation or Professional Support

• What to Do:

  • In some cases, involving a neutral third party (e.g., a therapist, counselor, or mediator) can help address the underlying issues and foster understanding.
  • This is particularly helpful in family or close relationships where you still want to maintain contact.

• Example:

  • Suggest family therapy if boundaries are being ignored due to long-standing dynamics.

6. Focus on What You Can Control

• What to Do:

  • Accept that you can’t force someone to change or respect your boundaries. Focus on controlling your reactions and protecting your emotional health.
  • Practice detachment by not internalizing their behavior or making it about your worth.

• Example:

  • If someone keeps trying to provoke you after you’ve set a boundary, don’t engage. Walk away or end the conversation.

7. Build a Support System

• What to Do:
  • Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and affirm your decisions.
  • Share your struggles with trusted friends, family, or a support group to gain perspective and encouragement.

8. Accept the Outcome

• What to Do:

  • Recognize that not all relationships can be saved or made healthy, even with boundaries. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship while acknowledging that letting go is sometimes the healthiest choice.

• Example:

  • Accept that a sibling who continually manipulates or disrespects you may not be capable of a healthy relationship, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

9. Practice Self-Care

• What to Do:
  • Take steps to care for your mental, emotional, and physical health, especially when dealing with difficult relationships.
  • Engage in activities that help you recharge and remind you of your value outside the strained relationship.

10. Recognize Patterns of Abuse

• What to Do:
• If the lack of respect for your boundaries escalates into abuse—whether emotional, verbal, physical, or financial—it’s essential to prioritize your safety and seek help immediately.
• Contact a trusted friend, support group, or local resources for assistance.
  
  

Sadly, there are times when communication ends. Families become estranged. But, in the end, life goes on. The truth is, the world is full of beautiful relationships and others that are substandard. You have to realize that you are not worth anything substandard. If your parents and family members refuse to see you as your own person rather than an extension of their desires, it may be time to let go and live a more radiant and full life on your own. You can be your own best friend as you attract new people that you can call "your tribe." Understanding that you are your own person with your own wishes, dreams, and desires is just the first step.