More Background Into My Summer at Kalaloch Lodge

I recently posted about my former job. I don't feel that it said enough, so now I want to go into a bit more detail. I started working at Kalaloch Lodge after I moved back to Queets for the second time. That was in 2023. I had taken a trip to Peru, and after that trip, I knew I would need to make some money. Kalaloch Lodge was hiring (my neighbor had posted that her daughter got a job there), so I put in an application and was quickly hired. To be honest, I was surprised at how easy it was to get it. I am usually not the best person at finding work. Most places take one look at me and say, "Nope." Well, this place was different, and they took me on.

I worked as a prep cook for my first year. The truth is, I hated it. I felt that I was awful at it. I never knew if I was doing things right, and I don't like that feeling. But it all must have been good enough, as they kept me. After my first year, I went to Thailand for the winter and thought I would not return. I really did not want to. Then I was invited back but knew I could not do the whole prep cook thing again. So I asked to become a dishwasher instead. I just wanted something mindless where I could disappear in the back and be ignored.

After almost a year as a dishwasher, I decided I needed to make more money, and I saw servers were doing well financially. I was about to move to Europe and thought I could do what others could do-at least for a while, right? So I gave it a try. I won't say if I did well or not—after all, I have no idea how to judge such things and I don't trust people who say that I do well at something. But I seemed to make a lot of money, and in the end, that's what is important when it comes to work. In fact, I made more in a week as a server than I did in a month as a dishwasher. So I was happy. Yay!

Yay indeed! In fact, as I left for Georgia (the country), I thought I might return with my wife and daughter and work another season at Kalaloch Lodge if they would let me. I found that my wife and daughter were not able to come with me at first, but I went back because I wanted to make some money to save up for our living expenses, as I was not making much in Georgia.

I went back to the U.S. and worked for the summer from April to October. I did quite well. In fact, I sometimes made $600+ in a single shift! Wow, right? For me, it was really quite a wow. Sadly, me going back to the United States alone without my wife angered my in-laws a bit. This annoyed me, but I realized that my in-laws didn't like to see me doing anything out of the ordinary. And I never felt that they wanted to see me succeed in life. This isn't about them though. 

This second stint as a server at Kalaloch and my third year did not go nearly as smoothly as the first two. While I seemed well-received during my second year, my third year was a disaster in many ways. First and foremost, I missed my wife. I missed my child. Being apart from them was truly heart-wrenching for me, and I know it was for them. Second, I witnessed how exclusive people could be. I imagined that I would be invited to events and be close to the people I left behind in Queets. No, this didn't happen at all. I felt forgotten. I heard all kinds of things about the people in the village and how they thought of me. It was depressing.

I also felt that I annoyed my coworkers after a while. You know how you can just tell when people don't want you around? I was annoyed that I was often not invited to do things with them or was purposely excluded like some kind of leper, and that made me feel more alone. In short, I was an outcast in a place that is incredibly exclusive and closed-off. I did not fit in. And I didn't go back to fit in, but I think that without my wife and child, I had hoped to fit in. I had hoped to be connected. 

I had a couple of coworkers that I had become somewhat friends with. One was a male-to-female transsexual who worked as the morning supervisor. The kitchen staff fought with her like crazy. There was so much animosity back there. I felt strange trying to be friends with everyone. She eventually left. Another coworker was quite a character. He did almost everything he could to be fired and finally was let go. Another person killed herself right after her shift. I made another friend who told me she thought Kalaloch Lodge was cursed. I laughed at that thought at first. Now I don't think she was wrong. Most of my friends ended up hating the place and leaving. It was strange to see. I think that rubbed off on me.

Then there were the people who seemed to like it. They were the ones who were the coldest towards me. I was never a part of their little clique. I felt like I was close during the end of my first year, but during the second year, I saw that was not the case. It was clear. I was never really a part of anything. It was depressing. I was moved around from night to morning to night again, and I felt that both sides were just trying to get rid of me. I wish they had just fired me at that point and told me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I would have complied. I wish life was just that simple. I wish that people just said what they meant or felt. 

Yet, there was still work to be done, and it felt like the whole place was falling apart in some ways. I think that I was kept because it was hard for them to find people. You see, having a place out in the middle of nowhere is hard to staff. And for some reason, the people they do get tend to go insane (I wrote a post about this). Although the Olympic National Park is beautiful, there are a lot of things that make this part of the world so ugly. So depressing. So dark. So repulsive.

Queets, WA, was the most depressing place I ever lived in. Hands down. No contest.

I think that being back at Kalaloch reminded me of just how depressing it all could be. And this time I had no friends there to show for it. At least when I lived in Queets people tried. The trying stopped. Maybe it was because my wife wasn't there. Maybe it was just because it was me. Who knows? 

As the days continued, I found that I was more and more alone. By returning to the United States, I slowly lost many of my former friends. My insatiable family (and in-laws) both wanted a piece of who I was. They were ever grabbing. Those sticky hands were never satiated. My in-laws were angry at my coming back without their little girl. Ironically, my father-in-law would pass away without getting to see her. I never heard what he had to say about it all, though. We had decided to stop talking about a year before I went back. 

After coming back to Europe from the United States, I battled feelings of worthlessness and sadness. Yet, I learned to appreciate the people around me more. My wife. My daughter. These were my world. The people in Queets who wanted nothing to do with me. The people who ignored me. Past coworkers who showed me how they felt. Family members, in-laws, and people who distanced themselves from me. Those who could not be bothered to interact with me in any capacity? Those who were embarrassed of me (and there are so many such people). I ended those relationships. I quickly nipped them in the bud. They were damaging and hurtful to me. I realized that I do not need friends to be happy. I have two of the most wonderful people around me everyday. I can't believe that I left them for that place. I can't believe that I thought it would be something good or different. I should have known. I should have known.

I created this blog to talk about the psychological issues of my family. To help others, perhaps. But I never imagined how healing this experience would be for me. There is a lot to heal with myself, that I know. Nobody is perfect. I don't pretend to be. I have never pretended to be.

But there are things here that are worth saying. Sometimes the things I say are not well-received. Sometimes people tell me to be silent or to stop saying what could be said. But the time for silence has long passed. This blog is a healthy outlet. Things are worth saying. Stories are worth telling. And if our stories make people feel uncomfortable, then maybe that's a sign to do something different next time, so the discomfort doesn't have to accompany what one reflects on in life.

When a Job Makes You Feel Worthless (The Kalaloch Lodge Story)

My last job made me feel absolutely worthless. The truth is, I have been in a slump since returning home from the United States over the summer. I have felt worthless. I have felt depressed. I have felt used. I have felt like a failure. I have felt unwanted. I have felt so many things, and I can't shake them. But the biggest thing that has eaten at me is this feeling of worthlessness that has consumed me.

Let me talk a bit about my job. I used to work at a place called Kalaloch Lodge in Olympic National Park in western Washington. It was a resort on the coast, and I worked as a server. I made pretty decent money there, and for that reason, I liked it. Even with all my successes and degrees, it was the most I had ever made, and I think I let it all go to my head. I also imagined myself as someone who was liked there. For a while, I allowed myself to become social. I felt that I had friends there. I felt that I was valued, and for a while, I even imagined I did a good job.

I decided to go back for a second season as a server in 2024, and that season was a disaster. I went alone, without my wife and child, and that was a huge mistake. It was very difficult, and I realized just how alone I was there. My coworkers no longer seemed to like me in the same way they did during the first year. Not that it should matter that much. As I told one person, the only reason I went back was to work. I wasn't there to make friends. But when you are alone, friendship seems important. Or so we like to think.

I quickly saw that I was an outcast there. I also saw that I annoyed many of my coworkers. When I worked hard, people seemed to appreciate that, but once I started to make mistakes, all of a sudden, things were not so great. I ended up having a rough weekend right before I was to return home, and the last words I received from that place were about how inept I was. That hurt. I know it shouldn't have. But it did.

I left without saying a bunch of goodbyes because I knew how my coworkers at that place thought of me. I knew it was long over. They hated me. That was beyond obvious at that point. And I was pissed about how it ended. I still am.

And then, a month and a half later, I saw again how my own family thought the same of me. I could not take it. I kind of went crazy. I was not the only one. Was there something lurking in the water of this place? What makes people at Kalaloch go nuts?

People All Around Me, Going Crazy! 

During my time at Kalaloch, I saw a lot of people go what I'd call "crazy" or at least have a bout of temporary insanity. At least three former chefs went haywire before they were fired or quit. Allegations of sexual harassment followed the last one, who turned on one of my friends. This person had transitioned from male to female, and the chef wanted a part of that. Or so it was said. Either way, the ending to that was spectacular.

Another chef ran off one day, saying he needed a "mental health break." Stories abound of the way he treated people and how he was a "self-proclaimed misogynist." I was also told about the departure of the chef before that, who was an interim chef, but I don't know much about it. Then there were some of the people I worked with who went absolutely haywire. We had a dishwasher who started to throw things before he was fired. Another had done almost everything humanly possible to be fired, and the company finally let him go. And then there was my friend, who had to deal with the sexual harassment of the chef and found it very hard to fit in with the rest of the kitchen.

The truth is, I have found that in this part of the world (Western Washington), if you were not born there or don't get in with the right crowd, you are *&#@'d. I was the same. I lived in this part of the world for close to four years, and I never once fit in. In fact, I was always reminded that I never would. I should not be surprised at all by how it all ended. I think every one of my superiors and supervisors expected me to fail, and I think they were happy when I left.

In the end, such experiences make us feel like we are worthless. I imagine this is just a taste of what I will feel like at the end of my life when I can no longer work, when I am no longer deemed useful to society, and when I begin that descent into death. Many people feel this way as their lives come to a close. To feel it at my age, however, is sad. It is painful. And I am resentful for it. I never imagined that going back to that "cursed" place would bring about such feelings.

I am angry about it. Even now, half a year later, I am angry about it. I allowed myself to open up to people. I allowed myself to show a part of myself—to be, in a sense, naked—and I was burned badly for it. I ended up leaving a disgrace. I left a failure. And I still have these thoughts that consume me. I am pissed beyond measure that my family had to add to that. It is for that reason that I will never speak to them again. It is for that reason that I have created this blog.

A job is not a place to make friends. A job is not a place to be social or to feel that you are worth something. It is a place to make money. It is a place to extract value from and leave when all is finished. I made a terrible, terrible mistake when it came to trying to turn it into something that it never should have been. I made a terrible, terrible mistake in trying to open myself up to be friends with people who could never, ever accept outsiders.

I learned a huge lesson from that experience. There are places in this world that do not accept outsiders. They are exclusive in thought. They are closed off. They are unaccepting. They will tear you apart inside. They are the kinds of places I try to stay away from.

There will be a lot more on this subject in future posts. I could say so much, and I want to dissect some of this more. I know that I am not the only one who left Kalaloch feeling that it was cursed. I want to talk about some of the others. But in a future post.

The Invisible Person Syndrome: When Your Family Refuses to See You

Have you been made to feel invisible all your life? Have you felt that you were never seen growing up, or that your opinions or beliefs were never important? When you discussed your thoughts or boundaries with family members, did you feel unheard, as if your words went in one ear and out the other? If so, you may suffer from something I call "Invisible Person Syndrome."

The invisible person is a family member who has been made to feel as though they are not truly part of the family. Their words, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or views hold no importance. Paradoxically, despite being ignored, they are still held to various expectations and can upset the family by simply existing. Strangely, the "invisible person" often walks on eggshells because everything they say or do is scrutinized.

Living as the Invisible Person

I know all too well what it feels like to be invisible. In my family, I was that person. I was forbidden to discuss painful experiences within the family, and if I did, my words were brushed aside as if they didn’t matter at all. Writing about these experiences led to punishment. Though my family members rarely visited me, if I traveled to their city and didn’t visit quickly enough, I would hear about it. I was guilted for "never visiting enough," even though I was the only one who ever made an effort to visit.

An invisible person lives a strange quasi-existence in the eyes of their family. For me, things changed when I had a child—I suddenly had some value. As the parent of the first grandchild, I had reached a milestone that was noticed. Suddenly, my presence was desired, but only if I brought my child along. Visiting me was still out of the question, yet the guilt over "not visiting enough" intensified.

Why Invisible People Are Noticed—For the Wrong Reasons

It’s not just about how often an invisible person visits. There are many ways they might be noticed—but only when it benefits the family or serves as a point of contention. For example:

• Success: If the invisible person becomes financially successful, family members may accuse them of thinking they are "better than us."

• Failure: If they experience legal trouble or public disgrace, the family may use it as a source of gossip or ridicule.

• Life Changes: Changing religion, traveling, pursuing education, or switching careers may also spark resentment or criticism.

Invisible people are often talked about behind their backs in great detail, but direct communication is rare. They may hear about family members discussing them, but rarely do family members actually engage with them. This deepens the sense of isolation and invisibility.

The Psychological Toll of Being Invisible

Psychologically, this type of treatment is damaging. Whether or not the family realizes it is irrelevant—what matters is finding ways to mitigate the psychological trauma it causes. Research has shown that chronic invalidation within families can lead to anxiety, depression, and even complex PTSD. Dealing with such families ranges from exhausting to downright debilitating.

For me, the emotional toll was severe. I often felt lethargic after family visits. Over time, I began dreading them. I would fight with my wife and lash out in frustration, feeling incapable of handling it. Thankfully, she was understanding and supported me. However, the guilt instilled in me by my family kept me trapped for years. That’s the thing about high-control and emotionally abusive families—guilt is often their most powerful weapon. After all, they "gave you so much by raising you," even if love was not a part of it.

You Deserve to Be Seen

You do not need to live your life as an invisible person. There is something beautiful in everyone, even if your family refuses to see it. In fact, families are often the most blind to the worth of their own members. It’s strange, isn’t it? I learned that while I was seen as ugly and obnoxious in my own family’s eyes, I didn’t need their validation to be happy or healthy.

Being close to your parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, or uncles is not vital for a fulfilling life. If your family consists of people who belittle you, ignore you, or treat you like a pawn rather than a person, it is time to step away. You deserve better. You don’t have to accept mistreatment just because it comes from blood relatives.

Yes, it is difficult to leave behind family. Feelings of shame, guilt, and fear often accompany the decision. You may look back on "good times" and question whether you are making the right choice. But protecting your mental and emotional well-being is not ridiculous—it is necessary. You can appreciate the positive memories while setting boundaries against the toxicity.

"Invisible Person Syndrome" is real, and it’s essential to take steps toward surrounding yourself with people who truly see you—even if, at first, that person is only yourself.

Mourning A Life That You Feel Was Wasted With Family

Very few people become "estranged" from family overnight. For most, it's a process that takes years. For me, it took over 20 years to realize that I had no choice in the matter. On my last trip to the Northwest, when my sister became the mirror image of my mother (whom she had moved in with), I knew that my family was dead to me.

Thank you to my youngest sister for waking me up and making me realize that nothing would ever change with my family. From the moment my mother tried to electroshock me in the bathtub, I watched my family sink lower and lower into something I did not want to be a part of.

Yet, you can't say I didn't try! For years, I made the arduous trek back to the center of the family world—Spokane, WA—where, for some reason, they all decided to congregate, even though there was a divorce before they even moved to Washington. But that's the thing about toxic people. They tend to travel in herds. And my family has always had this need to congregate together. Even as a child, my grandparents decided where the rest of us would live. If my grandparents decided to move to another state, the children followed. I found this strange. But my mother could not separate herself from her mom in this way (even though she said she could not love me as a child because that same mother of hers loved me too much). Insane.

Now my family sits around wondering what happened to drive me away. And they play out this fantasy that I am going to one day go back. It's kind of cute, actually. The problem is that once you lose all aspects of love for family, there is nothing to connect you. Once I learned that my family could not and did not love me, I realized that there was no point in my presence.

Now, I have to give my family the benefit of the doubt. First, they don't read this blog. Many probably think I just left social media. Maybe they think things are fine. The mind tends to believe what is easiest to process. People often don’t want to accept the fact that there is a problem in life. My family never once sat down and thought, things are not working. Whether it was following my grandparents around all their lives and living in poverty, getting a divorce, my mother purposely abusing me, or even throwing a hair dryer toward the bathtub—thinking things through was never her strength.

Grandma is now dead. My parents now sit firmly where she died—Spokane, WA. They have talked for years about going somewhere else. My mother once said she'd move to Costa Rica or Florida. But in the end, everyone makes like a tree and sits in Spokane. It's almost as if there were a family curse that made it so my family could not live anywhere my grandparents didn’t live. My mother did run off to Hawaii for a while with a man she met online while I was in high school. She ended up back in Washington, of course. Her mother fought tooth and nail for her to come home.

When my grandmother died, my mother said it felt like a demon left her. If it was such a demon in you, why did you follow her? These are questions that will forever baffle me.

In the end, I wish I had left my family the day I turned 18. I wish I had never given them chance after chance to change. I wish I had seen the writing on the wall when I was a young adult. I wish, wish, wish, wish, wish that I didn’t let these things affect me. But I know that I have made the right choice now. I have left my family—not only my parents but the whole kit and caboodle! Siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, and all! You see, after my mom "disowned" me, she spread a lot of awful rumors about me to others in the family and destroyed my reputation with them. They naturally chose her side without ever even talking to me about it. And I realize that when it comes to toxic families, the toxicity tends to run deep. You have to cut yourself off from the bad parts and become healthy on your own. That’s what I hope is happening here.

Dealing With Family Estragement

I know for a fact that the days of me being close to my own family have long passed. And when I think of that fact, I feel nothing. To be honest, I am far more bothered by the loss of friends rather than the loss of family. That has not always been the case. Getting to this point is not easy, and for some, it's a constant battle. It's not an easy thing to walk away from family. It takes a lot of time, thought, and failed mental gymnastics before one sees that a relationship with one's family is truly unhealthy or damaging in the long run. And for people like myself, one day we realize that we are fooling ourselves when we think that family will one day change and love us once more.

For those who walk away, who are truly estranged, we know for a fact that nothing will ever come close to the fantasy we clung to for so long. For those who embrace estrangement, we can end the mourning and wishing that people would change.

We can't change others. We can only change ourselves.

One of the most positive steps I have taken in life for myself happened at the end of 2024 when I made a pact with myself that I'd never, ever let these people abuse me again. I'd never accept their endless guilt over not being at their beck and call. And I would never visit those who showed zero interest in being in my life.

I affirm the following:

I am estranged.

I am proud to be estranged.

I will never again go back to how things once were.

Family has long been the cornerstone of poison in my life. I married into a difficult family with its own abuses as well. Dealing with the same type of power dynamics from both sides was exhausting. Yet, I was always distant from my in-laws. I never quite allowed myself to get close. That was easy for me, as I was not close to my own parents. I also saw similarities in both families—enough to tell me I did not belong in either.

I, perhaps more than anyone else in the family, gave nonstop. I gave without a need for recompense. I visited from far away at least once a year. I'd fly from around the world, hoping to be accepted, only to listen nonstop to how I was wrong for how I chose to live my life. One of the biggest contentions people had about me was the fact that I did not stay in the same area. I felt that constant visits would help ease the animosity over this fact. It did not. It only added fuel to the fire that burned for decades—until I put a stop to it.

What needed to be removed was simple. It was me. I now not only vow separation through lifetime estrangement from my own family but also a lack of communication through social media and a limitation on visits with family. After the disastrous previous visit, I don't see myself wanting to go back anytime soon. While I can't say I'll never go back, there will be limits to what I put up with or how close I get.

The last visit proved to me that I no longer held love toward my family. In my heart, it had died. I write this blog with emptiness inside. I only do so now to say I tried and to share my own experiences and healing with the world. No one should go through this alone. I hope to give others the tools they need to walk away from families that only pretend to care out of a desire to control and feel better about themselves. Why my parents, siblings, and wife's family wanted anything to do with me, I will never understand. The only thing I can think of is that they could not bear their offspring turning their back on them, even if they could not love said offspring. The need, the desire, the hunger for human pride is truly insatiable and often all-consuming. It will eat you alive if you let it.

It's Okay To Leave Toxic Family Situations Without The Feelings Of Guilt

We cannot feel guilty for holding people accountable for their own mistakes. That also goes for when we remove ourselves from hopelessly toxic situations in life. When it comes to family, there will always be those heartstrings that get pulled when we remember how, sometimes, things were good. Yes, things were often very good in my family, but that doesn't undo the things that were toxic. And it's important for those of us who have battled toxic families to realize that as we continue to soldier along the often lonely road of family estrangement.

We all must live with the reactions and results of the negative actions we take in life. When we interact with each other, we have the option to be kind, considerate, helpful, and loving, or we can be self-centered, backbiting, hurtful, spiteful, and all-around mean. If you are the latter, you will find that your relationships will vanish. There’s no reason one should ever be expected to befriend or be close to those who vex them over and over again. To assert this is madness.

As the days pass, I am reminded of this fact. Those who have strived over long periods, hoping to work things out with family, in-laws, or ex-friends, only to find that their efforts were in vain, should not feel guilt for throwing in the towel. There is no guilt in walking away and saying, "No more, I'm done." When big family events happen and you are on the opposite side of the fence because you were the bigger person who said, "Not me, not anymore, not today, Satan. Not my monkeys, not my f*cking circus," you know you have made a positive step forward.

But it is still very hard.

You don’t ever have to feel guilt for doing what’s best for you when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I look back to that tiny four-year-old child, sitting there in the bathtub, imagining a world where his mother, of all people, should have been the one to protect him, to love him, to have his best interests at heart. But instead, a hair dryer, of all things, came flying toward him! Me! I'm that him! The kid that almost rode the lightning! The boy who lived!

I am reminded of that young child constantly told he was not "good enough" and compared to others. I am reminded of that teenager who was told he was "purposely mentally abused" for some sadistic pleasure of his "mother." I am reminded of the young man who was told over and over again he’d never amount to anything. Why then should I feel guilt for leaving?

No. One cannot feel guilt for doing what is best for them. Others may try their hardest to pile guilt on someone for looking out for themselves, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Your life is yours to sort out and yours to live. Abusive and toxic family members have no say. It doesn’t matter if it’s your parents, your father-in-law, or anyone else. It is your life, not theirs. If it’s best for you to leave such a situation, then, by all means, it’s time to make that decision while staying true to yourself.

Go then. Be free.

Having A Family That Doesn't Want You To Succeed in Life

Life can be harsh. The world makes no promises to anyone about what will happen. A person's life is a blank slate from birth to death. Nobody has a crystal ball. In a perfect world, parents would want their children to succeed. After all, having good resources and the ability to overcome life's obstacles is crucial. Despite this, many parents and family members do not wish for others to find success. Financial success, in particular, is often guarded jealously within families. The unspoken message is often: Do not do better than your parents, your older siblings, or those who have already "made it."

For many in my family—and perhaps even more so with my in-laws—it has long been a dream that I would fail. I first noticed this when I was in college and later in law school. My father-in-law would say things that suggested I should not aspire to financial security. When I moved away, many hoped that one day we would crawl back home. Perhaps that desire is even greater now. I wonder how many in both my family and my wife’s family would be elated if we failed and ended up moving back to Spokane, where the rest of the family lives.

It is a sad reality that some people do not want their family members to succeed. I have never resented other relatives for achieving financial security, yet I have faced constant discouragement for pursuing my own. Recently, my father-in-law passed away, and we had to make an international trip for his funeral. It was expensive and a huge burden for us. Many hoped we could help with the burial, and I thought to myself: It would have been nice to be able to. But for years, I had been told I should not strive for financial success, that I should not do anything different. And for too long, I listened. Had I ignored those voices and fully pursued my talents and ambitions, perhaps I could have helped.

If the message had been different all these years, maybe I could have done more. Yet many families keep each other poor and then wonder why they remain poor. I have been chastised my entire life for going to university and law school, for moving away, for working, for starting businesses. I have been criticized for not "doing what others wanted me to do" instead. I will never understand why a parent would not want their child to be financially well-off. What good does it do my parents or in-laws if we struggle after they are gone? What good does it do my in-laws’ siblings? Why the envy? Are you all truly that broken?

I will never give my in-laws the satisfaction of going back to where they live. Some environments are simply toxic, and I learned on my last trip that I want nothing to do with that place. I was right to leave when I did. Sometimes, living near family creates chaos and discord that no amount of effort can fix. For me, that was the case. Distance is a breath of fresh air.

It is also unwise to spend time around those who hope you fail. I have distanced myself greatly from family and will continue to do so. There is no rule that says you must be close with family or in-laws. If people are openly hostile toward you for your life choices and goals, it is time to walk away. Why would a family wish for someone to be poor and struggling? It makes no sense. And things that don’t make sense are often best ignored.

There are some reasons why parents do not want their children to do well financially in life:

Some parents fear losing control over their children. If a child becomes financially independent, they are less likely to rely on their parents for support, making it harder for the parents to influence their decisions. This can be especially true in families where control is maintained through financial dependency.

Not all parents handle their children's success well. Some may feel envious if their child achieves more than they did, as it highlights their own shortcomings. Instead of feeling pride, they may feel resentment, especially if they struggled financially themselves. 

Some parents grew up believing that wealth is unattainable or that financial success is only for a select few. If they hold a scarcity mindset, they might unconsciously pass down the belief that aiming for financial success is unrealistic, greedy, or even immoral.

In some cultures or family traditions, there is an expectation that children should follow a certain path—such as staying close to home, taking care of parents, or inheriting a family business. Pursuing financial independence might be seen as a rejection of these expectations, leading to discouragement or disapproval.

Some parents associate financial independence with emotional distance. They might believe that once their child is successful, they will move far away, become too busy, or no longer prioritize family.

Some people, including parents, equate ambition with arrogance. If they view striving for more as a rejection of their values or lifestyle, they may discourage their children from aiming higher. This was huge issue in the church that I eventually left. 

In families where financial struggles have been the norm, a child achieving success can disrupt established roles. Siblings or other relatives may feel inferior, leading parents to discourage success to maintain "balance" in the family.

If a parent has experienced financial failure or hardship, they may project their fears onto their children. Rather than encouraging them to take risks, they might push them toward "safe" but limiting choices, fearing failure more than they desire success.

In some cases, a child’s success can feel like a rejection of their parents' way of life. If parents struggled financially and took pride in their sacrifices, a child's decision to pursue wealth may feel like an insult to their hardships. 

There is also something called "the crab mentality." This is the idea that when one crab tries to climb out of a bucket, the others pull it back in. Some families operate this way—when one member starts to rise, others subconsciously or actively try to pull them back down. This is something I have experienced every time I went back to visit family. 

Knowing the reasons that family members do not want you to succeed in life are important to breaking the cycle. 

Don't Lose Sleep Over Breaking Up With Somone That Reminds You of a Toxic Parent!

It is no secret that when finding a partner, people oftentimes gravitate toward someone who reminds them of an abusive parent. Stories abound of men dating people who are the spitting image of their toxic mothers and women dating people who are repeats of an abusive father. Perhaps there is a part of them that wants to rebuild the person, change the person, and feel loved by someone who reminds them of a parent who hurt them over and over throughout their lives.

I think back to my mother and how my first girlfriend reminded many of my friends of her. My mother could not stand this woman, and when one of my friends mentioned she was like my mother, I was horrified. Yet, now looking back, I see it was true.

Men: Don't lose sleep when a woman leaves you if she reminds you of your abusive mother. Women: If you go through a breakup with a man who reminds you of your abusive father, celebrate! Aspects of this can also exist in same-sex relationships, so watch out! Traits of mom and dad can exist in people of either gender! You do not need that in your life! Even friendships with such people are cause for concern. There was a reason I ended the relationship with my family—especially my mother. A childhood riddled with unspeakable abuses is enough. I don't need to endure it as an adult. The same goes for my friends: I don't want friends who remind me of her!

When you are dating, it is tempting to gravitate toward people who remind you of a parent who destroyed your self-worth and gave you trauma as a reward for being born. Don't be tempted to engage in relationships with these people. If you are in such a relationship, it's likely to end in the same way that the relationship with the family member in question ended. When I think about Vanessa, I realize that I should not be surprised it ended how it did. In fact, I kind of expected it. Like my mom, this person needed to know she was "not a placeholder"—even though I was married! I am sorry that I could not be the person she needed, just as I was never enough for the mother who didn't love me.

So, if you are bemoaning that significant other who broke up with you and they reminded you of your parents, it's time to break out the fine china and celebrate! Pop open a bottle of the best wine or take yourself out on a date of freedom and remind yourself that next time, you will be a lot more careful! You don't need to be slipping back into a toxic childhood with your romantic choices in adulthood!

What To Do When a Parent Tries to Hurt You?

Warning: Contains Upsetting Imagery

Over the last few years, I have been piecing together a puzzle that has long haunted me. It's often said that not everyone should have children, but many do. Children are truly a wonderful gift for those who want them. However, when someone doesn’t want a child, they can wreak havoc on that child’s self-worth.

Unfortunately for me—but perhaps fortunate for you, as you get to read this—I had a mother who thought it might be in her best interest to erase me from existence (although I didn't know this at the time). Here is my story:

My Mother's Possible Attempted Filicide

I was sitting in the bath, alone. I must have been around four or five years old since I hadn't started kindergarten yet. My mother was outside the bath, blow-drying her hair. My sister had just been born, but I don't know where she was; perhaps she was sleeping. All of a sudden, the blow dryer flew from my mother's hands toward the tub. My mother caught it at the last second and seemed very upset by the whole ordeal.

I Was Disowned By My Mother For An Inconsequential Reason

Many years later, we had a falling out. She disowned me for going hiking in the Northwest and told me our relationship was over. This wasn't the first time she'd said something like that, but I took her at her word this time and decided to stop speaking to her. I imagine she regrets that day to some extent, but since she has never made any effort to rekindle the relationship, I suspect she got what she wanted.

However, a couple of years ago, she was caught using a fake account to spy on my Facebook page. I recognized it was her because she followed some groups from Spokane, and her writing style was unmistakable. When I confronted her, she admitted it. She then snapped that she had a right to see photos of her granddaughter.

Afterward, she told me the following:

"When you were a baby, your grandparents doted on you. They were obsessed with you. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't love you the way you deserved because of that. I decided it would be best to save my love for my next child."

I had long wondered why I never felt love from my mother and why she seemed to favor my younger sisters. I never held it against my sisters, but this revelation made everything make sense. My mother admitted that she couldn't connect with me as a baby.

While doing some free writing, the blow dryer incident came back to me. I had written a story about it once, and my mother became incredibly upset and lashed out. I don't know if she realized I remembered the incident, but it was clear she didn’t want me to.

Looking back now, I wonder—was it purposeful? The blow dryer incident happened right after my sister's birth. The way the blow dryer "flew" seems unlikely to have been an accident. I think she had a change of heart at the last second, perhaps because she couldn't face the consequences of being found guilty of murder. As far as I know, no one else, including my father, ever heard about this. It remained a dark family secret.

Given the evidence, I believe my mother may have tried to kill me as a child.

We hear about cases like this and think such events could never happen in our own families, yet they do. Often, they involve seemingly ordinary people. Someone once told me I was unlikely to be electrocuted by the hair dryer, but I never looked into it. What matters most is the intent. Was there an intent to kill? It seems possible.

This experience affirmed my decision to distance myself from my family, a choice that has had a positive impact on my life.

An Earlier Case With Attempted Drowning?

Curiously, there was another case involving water that my mother always enjoyed recounting. When I was a baby, she said that she had heard that children could "float" or "swim" on their own. At a public swimming pool, she "threw me into the air" and I hit the water to the horror of the onlookers around her. For some reason, she has always laughed at this story, but the hairdryer story has been somewhat of a family secret. Either way, it is interesting how water was involved in both of these cases. I truly was the Aquason. 

I sometimes like to joke that I am also "the boy who lived." 

Blamed For Grandparent's Devotion

I also found it strange that my mother blamed me for being the first grandchild whom her parents doted on. That was beyond my control. Sadly, a failure to form secure attachments between parents and children is common and can lead to lifelong struggles.

When a child doesn't develop a secure bond with their parents, it can cause difficulties trusting others, managing emotions, forming healthy relationships, and maintaining self-confidence. It may also lead to anxiety and behavioral issues, impacting social interactions, intimacy, and overall well-being. This condition is sometimes described as an "attachment disorder."

Fortunately, there are ways to heal from these wounds, including therapy, building trusting relationships, understanding that it wasn't your fault, engaging in inner healing practices, reframing childhood experiences, and finding healing through positive experiences.

It is never a child’s fault if a parent cannot love them or tries to harm them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and not everyone operates from a place of complete sanity. Sadly, those who act thoughtlessly often cause immense harm to others.

Feel free to share your thoughts and your own stories in the comments. I would love to read them! 

Purposely Staying Out Of The Loop With Family

I saw this quote that said:

“The older I get, the more I appreciate being out of the loop. Don’t fill me in — I don’t want to know anything about anyone!”

Family drama is depressing and draining. It creates lethargy in many of us. When we could be out living our best lives, suddenly all is upended by someone who can’t stand to see you enjoying life. Everything comes to a screeching halt, and we are left scratching our heads, wondering what the heck went wrong.

What did we do to deserve this treatment? What did we do to become a target in the crosshairs of a family war? I have often found that most of the attacks I received from family came about when I was minding my own business. Some people hate that. It’s so strange. I always wanted to ask: “Why don’t you just enjoy your own life and let me enjoy mine?” But for many, that’s not possible.

The same thing is true of gossip. There’s no need to be told what people think of us or how they judge what we are doing. This does not bring peace. This does not make life better. In fact, many of us (like myself) work hard to escape these things. To be told what family thinks of us or how we have upset someone else is exactly why I don’t live anywhere near family. We left that world for a reason, and we don’t appreciate being thrust back into it.

There is a reason that people grow distant. Distance often brings a new kind of peace that one never had when they were close. I don’t want to be kept in the loop. I don’t want to know what’s going on with anyone else except the person I’m talking to. If someone doesn’t like me… if someone has a problem with me… if someone isn’t brave enough to tell me themselves, please don’t let me in on it. It’s family drama, and it has no place in my life.

When someone says they want to be distant, it is good for others to respect that. If they can’t respect your distance, they will never respect your presence. That goes for people who spy on and watch your social media profiles. I am glad to say that the season of family spying on my profile has ended. After enough time, people come to terms with reality. Perhaps every once in a while, people get curious (it’s human nature to wonder), but once a peek or two takes place, all of a sudden it becomes addictive, like a drug.

There is a post that goes around social media often that says, “Nobody watches you as closely as your haters.” This often appears to be all too true. It is psychologically healthier to let go of people you don’t get along with. The more you look, the more insatiable it becomes to keep checking in. Watching people we hate can become a drug, so be careful. Respect people’s boundaries. If they don’t want you in their life, let them be. That goes for family, too.

Do not pressure people to let you back in once the doors are closed. If they want you back in, they will come to you. Respect people’s boundaries. Practice kindness and focus on your own life. You have a lot going on without having to add to it. If you don’t like a person, don’t add fuel to that fire. It’s not worth it.

Those who create fake profiles on social media to spy on those who have walked away only hurt themselves in the end. What does one expect? All roses and sunshine? You won’t make yourself feel better by seeing someone living their life without you in it. You are only creating feelings of anger, sadness, regret, resentment, and animosity.

In such relationships, there is not always a good guy and bad guy. Some families and people just can’t get along. Different personalities and backgrounds are at odds with each other. There are many people in both my family and my spouse’s family who don’t get along at all with me. As long as I’ve been alive and seen the patterns, I see that it is often hopeless. I choose peace over endless drama. In many families, it is endless drama, and it’s debilitating and exhausting.